Post-Human

chapter 5 I can fuck up everything

Well the title is self explanatory as you've noticed I am a rather very stupid boy but that make all the stupid shit haunt me I can say stuff or do stuff that can haunt me forever because with stupidity there is memory and where there is memory there is people and where there is people there is me the lesser intelligent and mostly because as you know I'm in IEP classes for my out burst rages amongst others the things I did even scare myself I used to make everyone scared of me and I had a lot of things wrong with me like not being able to hold my anger in basically I've hurt the people who really cared about me as you see in 6th grade I stabbed a short pencil through my left hand and in the middle of drama class which was in 7th hour because I was bored and then I pulled it out of my hand and later on my friend Susan running me to the nurse's office the nurse retired the next year yes it probably was because of me  I was too much to handle that nurse probably was traumatised from all the blood, anger, and non-stop self harm she saw she'll probably never forget and neither will I. Susan on the other hand I think that she puts it in the back of her mind and moves on more to the less I can never forget all those moments I was on so many medications like Thorazine, Geodon, Haladol, you name it I was on it and I also did I forget Prozac. I can tell you a list of them all but it would take forever I hated who I was I mess of mental out burst self-harm and ultimate death threats but it wasn't me controlling my actions it was something else it's like when you're drunk and driving under the influence your risking you and your friends life but you don't even know it you are doing something that you can't take back under the influence your body is awake but your mind is not but your watching it but you can't stop yourself it goes back and forth you know what your doing you can't stop yourself your body over powers your mind and with that you are not in control I was once the most scariest person ever but now I'm me again I can stop myself from doing things by impulse or doing things involuntary to what I really want to do my brain has more of a logical side to it now rather than impulse I wanted to tell everyone I'm sorry for my past involuntary mistakes but if I said that to everyone who I have wronged by impulses it would appear odd or kinda late for that. I don't expect Susan to forgive me but she probably has I never know exactly what she thinks of me sometimes I just want to yell out sorry when I'm around her because I feel as if I had wronged her by a lot I wish I could leave everything in the past and erase everything I said or done but knowing myself it probably won't make a difference.