After H&M (gxg)

Long Overdue

Hi there, 

You don't know me and I do not know you. I am writing this not because I'd like to make a grand gesture for the love of my life. I am writing this with the intention of... Well, I'm not sure exactly. But I know it's been long overdue. 

When I first started writing on Wattpad, I was just expressing a dire need in me. The need to love and be loved, to care and to be cared of. I went through high schools (or secondary schools for all of us Asians out there) without ever getting into a relationship. Well, I did, but it lasted for a week and honestly, we didn't even have each other's numbers. So, I do not want to count that. 

And so I wrote. I wrote my fantasy of being chased after, of being loved, of being that average girl who never got the attention of most boys. I wrote a story dedicated to all the average janes and joes out there. Even if it was through story, it felt nice to have that kind of person for you. That was Hype, my alter ego as some would label it. And Stacy and Alyssa were the things I never experienced; being chased after by two popular and beautiful girls. 

The story also stemmed from my frustrations. Frustrations of reading this fiction (smut version; full of violence and explicit sexual content) about bullying. I hated the ending but loved the plot. I thought that the world could use a bit of a happy ending and not so dark story. That's how the story "I'm Just Hype" came about. And I wasn't able to finish it because something miraculous had happened to me. I was in love, for the first time ever. 

Fast forward 8 months, I screwed it up and ruined that relationship. I'd never forgive myself for what I did so I was bitter and was still holding on to her. And then I got myself through flings and crushes that left my heart more bitter and empty. Then, I entered another relationship, where I 'settled'. It wasn't fair but I guess what my friends had been telling was true. That every single person that entered my life had a purpose. If they weren't there to stay, then it meant they were there to teach me a lesson.

You see, before college, I held on so strongly to this idea that I didn't want to kiss 100 frogs just to be able to find that prince (or princess, as I later discovered my true sexuality) charming. I just thought of reserving my first kiss, love and everything for that special person. 

But after a while and painful experiences, I gave up on that idea. It was true. I even conceded to the statement, "I believe in true love but I know that it's not meant to me." Cause let's face it, not everyone is lucky enough to have landed that love or have that happy ending. So I assumed I would fall into that category.

I truly believed that I never got my heart back from my first love. That she would forever have my heart. I was at the brink of letting her go forever with the thought that I would never again get into a relationship with anyone, no matter what. I gave up on love. I gave up on that dream of having that person in my life cause I thought I had lost my chance with her. 

Funny thing is, what happened next, was something that an ex-colleague of mine had told me. He said that maybe I wasn't holding on to my first love, maybe my heart just wants someone of her nature and characteristics. I was stubborn but slowly, I began to question myself. I said and thought that there could never be anyone to replace her. That I wouldn't be able to love another person just like I had loved her. Boy, I was wrong. Well, actually. I was quite right.

Cause few months later, after a cold breakup, I found someone who I love more than anyone I've ever loved in this whole wide world. 

Funny how it started, from a random comment on Wattpad. It was a status that I posted on my wall. It was a (funny) quote/joke by my ex-colleague. She wrote, "I really like you. Please marry me." It was the funniest thing I ever read and I just had to share it. So I did. I contemplated to take down the status but something inside of me stopped me and let it be. Now, know that at this point I had experienced a few 'flings' and 'crushes'. Hence, I assumed it would be the same with her when she commented on my post.