My Big Book of Sinful Things

I wrote this at 5 am

I'm very tired

"Meet yort" she said, holding her hand out toward the man, a potato sat firmly in her palm.
"That-that's a potato" he told her, gazing up through his bangs.
"Yort is my pet potato" she explained, rubbing the top of the potato with her index finger and cooing softly.
"Why do you have a pet potato?" He pondered aloud, the female stopping her petting of the vegetable to answer him.
"They're very easy to take care of, you just gotta feed them, give them water (though they prefer Gatorade), and take them out for exercise every once in a while"

"But... but it's a potato... potatoes don't eat or drink" she pouted before an idea sprang to her mind. She took hold of the males wrist and began to drag him with her.
"Come on, I'll show you how awesome a pet potato can be!" She chirped. He didn't really want to follow her, she was dragging him to the cellar after all. The cellar that no one was allowed in and always had a certain foul odour emanating from within. She swiftly unlocked the door and brought him down the steps to reveal an obstacle course. A potato sized obstacle course. His eye twitched slightly. Gazing over to her, he saw a large grin spread on her from cheek to cheek. She placed the potato down and gave it a gentle nudge.
"Go on Yort, don't be nervous. Show him how talented you are" she smiled at the potato. The potato was still. That's not entirely true, it did fall on its side after a few awkward seconds.
"Come on, I know you can do it..." she turned her attention to him now, "sorry about this, potatoes are kind of introverted and shy creatures" she explained with a nervous chuckle.
"Uuuhhhh.... yeah, I think I gotta go now soooo..."

"No no no! You can't go now! Not before Yorts performance!" She turned back to the potato and huffed at it.
"You don't have to be nervous around him Yort, if you show him you're tricks you'll get a nice treat" he stared at her negotiating with the potato, an odd sight to behold really.

He was beginning to grow bored of this act. He should just go. Just as he was however, he could've sworn he saw the potato move. Nothing touched it, it just moved. Another little bit and another, to potato was inching along the ground as if it were alive. Tiny legs suddenly sprouted from the bottom of the potato and it scuttled around the room, going over and under the obstacles ladies out everywhere. She was watching with joyous, bright eyes while he stared onward, stunned at what he was seeing. It was actually alive!? The potato finished the course quickly and began to purr against her leg. She picked it up and pet it, thanking it and congratulating it. He watched as she spoke in baby voice to the potato. Her gaze met his.
"You wanna hold him?" She asked, slightly extending Yort.
"Uh, sure... do I just?"

"You hold him like a puppy" she explained as the potato left her loving arms and met the shaking ones of him. He scratched it and it cooed.
"Aww" the potato rubbed up against his arms and purred more.
"Do you wanna feed him?" She asked. He nodded.
"What does he like to eat?" She flashed a smile, not her usually bright and cheery one, a smile that felt dreadful.
"Men" she responded. He quieted a brow and returned his attention to the potato, who now had a mouth with pointy, shining teeth in it. A door was heard slamming shut and a lock clicked. The potato bit his finger. He cussed and tossed it to the ground. He darted up the stairs and tried to open the door, to no avail. He began banging on it, yelling for her to let him out. She waited in silence until his voice was no longer filled with anger, but instead with fear. Soon after, a blood curdling scream could be heard from her basement. A scream that rival those found in horror movies. The scream faded and the door was unlocked. At the top step stood a potato, no legs or mouth. It looked just like any other potato. She picked it up and scratched beneath its chin.
"Good boy! How was your meal?" She asked it in baby voice.
She carried the potato back to its cage, gently placing it in the centre and giving it one final pat before locking the cage.
"I'll try and get another meal for you soon, I know how cranky you get when you're hungry" she waved to the potato locked away, flicked the light off, and shut the door.