Right Through Me

Fear

*play song*

        After being questioned in the hospital for over 24 hours and getting no response, they finally let me go. I had refused to tell them how I got the scars and bruises on my body. I was going to, I was trying to, but I couldn't.

     I don't want them to hate me, or look at me in a different way. I don't want to be known as 'that girl that gets beat' or the 'friend that's been abused'. I don't want them to see the side of me that has so much weakness.

     I tired to explain that to them without giving away any of my secrets, but that made them even more confused. The only person who didn't seem to ask any questions, was Mino.

    He didn't have to. I know that he knows. He knew that I know he does. They way he looked at me, the way his body would tense after he looked at the bruises, the way his fist clenched. But, the thing that really disturbed me the most, was his face. His usual smile was replaced with anger and I knew that that could only be for Auska.

     I felt his hatred for my husband. I felt his disappointment too, not for Auska, but for me.

    And that's what broke my heart the most.

        His disappointment in me made me realize that I love him and that I never want to hurt him. Yet, I did. I hurt him and everyone else I love because I am too scared to have them see me differently.

      They know I wasn't telling them something. They know that if I keep this up, I will probably end up dying. They told me this, yet I still refused to tell them.

    All because of Auska.

     He made me this way. He made me afraid to tell them. All because he wants my mother's money, the money she left for me. He knew that by marrying me, he would get 65 billion dollars after I died.

    Auska knew I would never give it to him, so he beat me. When I threatened to tell my father, he threatened to kill my father.

    My father is the only person I have left. He knew that. After mom died, dad took over the business. Mom wanted me to be successful, even with the money.

    But, I couldn't have the money until after I got married and take over the business.

      Auska beat me of with every inch of my life, just so he could be rich. He beat me so that I could give him the money.

     He beat me so that he could have control over my mind, body and soul. So that I would be broken. So that I couldn't trust anybody else.

    And he succeeded.

    He broke me. He controlled me. He made me feel like the most broken girl in the world. He did this to the point where I wake up in the middle of the night, crying because I'm afraid.

     I'm afraid. Afraid of being judged. Afraid to trust. Afraid to be me. Afraid to hurt people.

    Afraid to actually love.

      And by not telling my friends- my family -about Auska, it made me hurt them. It made me hurt the people that I knew where trying to help me, but I kept pushing them away. I let my fear of judgement and terror hurt them. I hurt my friends, my family...

   The person I love.

     And the sad part is: I don't think they love me anymore.

        All because of Fear.

     He was right.

    I'm weak.

    I'm ugly.

      I'm a disgrace.

     I'm.......worthless.

      Everything he's said to me. It's true. I know he's right. What I did to them, it just proved it.

     No matter how many times in try to keep myself under control, no matter how many times I try to keep myself from doing the same stupid mistakes, He always reminds me that I'm worthless.

    And I just think to myself: why even try?

   

        Why not just pull the trigger?