Read My Lips: Restricted Version

RML: Chapter 26 (R)

Chapter 26


Dawn came...and went, and Linc snored right through it, content with his arms around a very beautiful, very giving lady after a long night of lavishing attentions on her.  Therefore, he did not notice when she slipped out of bed, dressed in the shadows of his bedroom and silently left him to sleep off his night of exertions.  Rest had been sporadic for him, because Amber kept touching him in her sleep, arousing him all over again, and he had to fight off his own fantasies so she could get some sleep.  But there was a point sometime after Amber snuck out of his room when he stretched over, felt only the coolness of abandoned pillows, he bolted upright.  She’s gone.  He scrambled over those pillows, falling to the floor and tangling the sheets around his ankles in his haste to get to his window and see if Amber really did leave.

Her vibrant green smart car still stood in his drive.

Linc gripped the edges of the window frame, butt-naked for all the world to see if it decided to peek toward his house, and he breathed.  Just breathed.  She's still here.  She hasn't left me.  He dropped to his knees.  The turbulent emotions racing through his system turned his body into a shaking mess.  Or was it just the adrenaline from waking the way he did?

I've got to pull myself together.

After that one conversation about love, Amber never repeated the words again, obeying his wishes on the matter, but now he yearned to hear her voice say it.  To hear her say anything...to know that last night meant more to her than just the sex.  And he wasn't sure why he needed to know this, only that it mattered more than anything else this morning.

Quickly, he dressed and ran down the stairs in search of her.  The aroma of fresh brewed coffee drifted out of the kitchen, and a plate of bacon and eggs warmed in the oven, but no one was in there.  The whole house was silent and empty.  Where is she?  Linc saw Wil's unmistakable hat through the window and stepped out onto the back porch, blinking against the glare of the sun.  

Wil tipped back in a rocking chair and grinned.  “Well, good morning, sunshine.”

“Where's Amber?”

“Sure is a nice day.”

“Where’s Amber?” Linc asked again.

Wil sighed and sipped his coffee.  “I thought you might be a little more congenial after your pleasant night...I guess I was wrong.  She's down in the stable, visiting the horses.  They've been fed and watered and groomed this morning.  You're welcome.”

Linc ignored his brother, except to shove on the side of his head as he passed, causing Wil to spill his coffee.  But Wil only chuckled instead of retaliating.  Before that man got himself hitched, he would have taken the bait and shoved back, resulting in a scuffle of some sort, and someone -- or both ones -- getting a black eye or a cut lip or a bloodied nose, and occasionally breaking some furniture.  Their rough-housing got them in a lot of trouble as children.  Linc kind of missed it.

He trotted down the yard to the stable and heard Amber’s laugh before he stepped through the doors.  Then he saw her, feeding Egaeus and Raven Rose some carrot sticks over the gates to their stalls and enjoying the way his gelding blew her hair around her head when she tickled his nose.  This morning, she wore her boots and jeans from yesterday and one of his plaid, snap-front shirts, the sleeves rolled up to accommodate her shorter arms and the shirttails tied up at her waist.  She looked magnificent.

He walked up behind her and circled his arms around her.  She turned easily in his embrace and smiled at him.  “I was hoping that was you,” she said, wrapping her hands behind his neck.  “Otherwise...no offense, but your brother irritates me.”

“He’s good at that,” Linc said, bending down to brush a gentle kiss on her mouth.  “How are you?  Sore any?”

“A little,” she admitted, “but it is a good sore.”

“Why didn’t you wake me earlier?  We could have watched the sunrise.”

Amber rubbed herself against him like a purring cat as she smiled.  “You worked hard last night.  You needed your sleep.”

“I am well rested now,” he told her, running his hands down her back to her bottom, gave that a little squeeze and came back up.

Amber sighed and tickled her fingers through his hair.  What was she thinking?  She said, “Did you eat?”

A grin came across his mouth.  “Not yet.”  And he picked her up and secured her legs around his waist.  She giggled as he kissed her and pressed her back into the slats of Egaeus’s stall.  The gelding was not happy about that.  He reared up in displeasure, letting Linc know that he could get a lot more unhappy if pressed into it.

Linc sighed and looked at his horse over Amber’s head.  “I should have sold you, too, you miserable, ungrateful turd.”

Amber gasped and popped him on the head.  “Do not say such things.  He is a sweetheart.”

Linc looked down at the woman in his arms.  Amber was the sweetheart.  And Egaeus knew that.  The horse was just protective of her.  He had always been that way...with his mom, with Macie, now with Amber and Raven Rose.  And that was one of the reasons Linc had always loved Egaeus.  The horse recognized what was truly important in this world, and he tried to keep them safe...safe from even Linc if need be.

“You’re right.  I shouldn’t say things like that.  He’s just a little over-protective.  He can smell you on me, and he doesn’t know what to think about it.  It’ll take some time for him to get used to seeing the two of us together.”

Amber tilted her head to the side and studied him as those words left his mouth.  She looked as though she wanted to smile, but there was some hints of fear in her blue eyes.  “And will he?”

“Get used to it?”

“No...see us together a lot,” she explained hopefully.

Linc let her settle back on her feet, but he still held onto her.  “What do you want, Amber?”

“You know what I want,” she said slowly.  “I want you, but only if you are willing to try to love me back.  I do not want you to think you have to be with me because of some misguided obligation after last night.”

Linc smoothed a stray strand of hair off her cheek.  “What was last night to you, Amber?”

She sighed and moved a little away, giving Egaeus a scratch on his nose.  “Last night was...it was me loving you with everything I have.  I did not expect the same from you, but I am glad you could give me something of yourself.”

Linc leaned against the stall gate next to her, facing her, watching her.  Why don’t I love you?  “Amber...”  He touched her cheek again, and she settled into his palm with a calm sigh.

“It is okay, Linc.  Do not force it.  I can wait.”

“For how long?  I want you, Amber.  I need you, but I don’t know about the rest.  And I don’t know when I will know.”

She kissed his palm.  “When you know...I will be here.”

Linc ached to take her in his arms and kiss her and touch her and make love to her, forcing his heart to pay attention to what his body and mind wanted, because that damn, stubborn organ in his chest was refusing to listen to reason here.  Love her, dammit.  Let Macie go.

But it wasn’t working.  

A whistle sounded from the doorway.  Linc turned to see Wil standing there.  “Sorry, guys, but I’ve got to be headin’ back.”  He looked at Amber with a charming grin and said, “It was a pleasure to see you again, Amber.  Thanks for feeding me while I was here.”

Amber rolled her eyes, but she looked pleased, too.  Linc gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.  “Give me a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay.”

Linc strolled toward his brother, pulling him out into the sunlight.  Wil grinned over his shoulder at Amber.  “She remind you of someone?”

Linc glanced at Amber through the doorway.  She returned her attention to the horses, had opened up the gate to Raven Roses’s stall and was now brushing out the mare’s mane.  If Amber’s hair had still been as long as that first day he met her, she would have looked just like Macie standing there, with a beautiful, doting smile on her lips.

“No,” Linc answered Wil’s question with a snarl.

“I didn’t mean her,” Wil said impatiently, knowing exactly where Linc’s thoughts took him.  “I meant Mom.  Don’t you remember how she was always the first one up, even when it was calving season and nobody got any sleep?  The first thing she did was make a pot of coffee for Pop and Croaky, then she’d come out here to the horses and talk to each one, giving each of them a little bit of attention and a treat.  Which is probably why your damn horse is so freaking ornery about womenfolk.”

Linc laughed, remembering those days when his parents still lived here before they retired.  “Yeah...and Pop would wake up, skip the coffee and come down here just to make sure she was okay.”

Wil snorted.  “I’ll never forget the time I was sixteen.  I came down here to saddle up Marshal and found them in the tack room on my saddle blanket.”  He shuddered and then looked at his older brother.  “Well...since I’m leaving anyway, you and Amber can do whatever you want in the tack room.”

“I’m a little more controlled than that,” Linc told Wil.

Wil laughed at him.  “Uh, huh.  That’s what I used to think.  Sally has a really nice tack room...lots of blankets.  She’s even keeping some in the gardening shed now.  But the chicken coops...eww.  Even Sally doesn’t get excited about that one.”

Linc scowled.  “Are you finished?”

“No...I could go on and on, about the river path and the pumpkin field and the tractor barn and the back porch,” Wil replied.  “But I won’t.”

“Thank you.  I appreciate that.”  Linc gazed back at Amber.  She smiled at him for a brief moment before going back to the Raven Rose.

“Can I give you some advice?” Wil asked.

“No.”

“Tough, I’m giving it anyway,” Wil said.  “And considering how I’m the younger one and I should be taking advice from you, you can take it or leave it or do whatever the hell you want with it.”

Linc glanced at his brother for only a second, and then went back to watching Amber.

“When I fell in love with Sally, I didn’t have anything to give her.  No money, no home, barely a job, everything I had was because she provided it for me.  Hell, I couldn’t even protect her from that ass-wipe Peter because of my parole restrictions.  All I had was love and friendship.  But she didn’t care.  She didn’t want anything else, and a woman like that is worth every headache it takes to get her.”

“Do you have a point?” Linc asked, not really caring about his brother and his happy marriage right now.

“My point is...you and I are not so different in this.  I loved Sally, but could give her nothing else.  You can give Amber everything, but not love, and I have a feeling she doesn’t want anything else but that.  So, my advice is, don’t fuck this up.  Macie’s gone, and I’m sorry about that, and I’m sure Amber is, too, but Amber is the woman here now.  She loves you.  She is worth it.  And if you have any shred of decency, you’d let the past go and love that woman in there back.”

Linc crossed his arms over his chest and eyed his brother curiously.  As close as they used to be, they’d never spoke of such things between them before.  It was kind of creepy, but comforting.  “Since when did you become the redneck version of Oprah?”

“Hey...it takes loving a good woman to recognize those traits in others.  I don’t know what your problem is, but you better solve it quickly.”

“Yeah?  And how will I know when I solve that problem, Mr. Love Guru?”

Wil poked him in the chest.  “Hey, I’m trying to help you here.  'Cuz you sure as hell ain’t figuring it out.  And if you really want to know...then when her life and happiness means more to you than anything else in this world, including whether you love her or not, then you’ll know.  Amber is sweet, beautiful and at that prime age for starting a family.  You ain’t getting any younger, that’s for sure.”

“Coming from a man who married a woman two years older than you,” Linc retorted.

“Watch it, old man,” Wil said, but grinning as he said it.  “Sally’s pregnancy hormones are running wild these days.  I’ll tell her you said that.”

“No, you won’t,” Linc said, “you never did like confrontations.”

“And you never backed away from one,” Wil reminded Linc.  “It’s going to come to a smack down between Amber and Macie...you just wait.  I see that spark in that lady’s eye.  Macie might be gone, but Amber isn’t going to let a little six feet of dirt stop her.  She’s going to fight for you.  I hope you’re ready for that, cuz it ain’t going to be pretty.”

Wil was right, but Linc didn’t tell him that.  The brothers hugged briefly, not like they used to, yet more than they had in the past three years, and Wil took off, back to his pregnant wife and happy marriage.  Linc went back to Amber.  

*****

"Is everything alright?"  Amber asked Linc as he covered the distance to her.  He watched her carefully, studying her, searching her face and eyes and smile for something unnamed.  She hoped he was looking for a way to love her back, but she knew that if he hadn’t found that way already, then the blockade wasn’t inside her.

Just try, Linc.  Look inside yourself.

"It's fine," he assured her, giving the black mare a pat on her nose.  "He's going back to Sally, so that's got to be a good thing -- the poor woman."

Amber shook her head with amusement.  "He loves her, she loves him.  It is nothing to pity."

He looked at her again, delving into her soul through her eyes and she let him.  She stared back, unblinking, waiting for some sign from him.  "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" she asked.

He puffed out a breath of exasperation.  "How did you know that you...you know."

"No...I do not know."

"Amber, please..."

"You cannot even say the word, Linc.  You said it last night when we were making love, but you cannot say it now.  How do you think that makes me feel?"  A prickling of betrayal stung her eyes, but she pushed it away.  She knew what she was getting herself into.

"I do not want to hurt you, Amber,” he said.  "I did warn you about what I am capable of right now."

Amber sighed.  "You are right, of course, and I do not wish to fight with you about it."

"Then what do you propose we do about this?"

Egaeus tossed his mane and nudged the back of her head, irritated at being ignored for so long.  Amber kept her gaze locked onto Linc as she patted Egaeus's nose resting on her shoulder.  Linc held Raven Rose's head against his chest, caressing the mare in that same unconscious way she was doing with his butterscotch gelding.

What to do about it?

“What do you want to do?” she asked him, curious to know if he felt any desire to further this undefined relationship of theirs.  “How far are you willing to go, Linc?  Do you want to love me?”

He breathed in, slowly filling his lungs as he stared into her, a miniscule inflection of his eyes telling her he still feared her love.   He emptied the air from his body, and yet, he did not acknowledge her questions in any other way.  Amber felt like he'd given her an answer of sort.  He wasn’t ready.  He still clung to his memory of Macie and refused to let her go, even a little bit, even enough to allow Amber to crawl into a crack in his heart and seek out the smallest corner of it.  He never said what last night meant to him.  It could have only been about the sex, despite the pillow talk he directed at her between kisses.

He was a man...plain and simple.  A man with needs.  Amber soothed those needs for a time.  Could she do it again?  Emotionally, she was torn.  Did she stay with him and love him with everything she had, or did she walk away, after giving him only a taste of what she felt for him, hoping, praying that he’d come to love her as her absence grew stronger?  Hell, it seemed to work for Macie.  She was gone, and Linc became desperate for her.  That didn’t mean he loved her any less when she lived, only that not having her had become painful and destructive.

God!  I can’t do that to him!  Walk away now?  Just the thought send chills up and down her spine.  But she knew that after today, it might be best to give him some time and space.

She meant what she said.  She did not want to force him to fall in love with her, and she did not want to use sex as a seduction tool to win his love.  That would only cause him to resent her at some point.  The physical love was a gift.  She thirsted for his undivided love, but only if he gave it willingly.  

She turned away and buried her face into the side of Egaeus' neck, ashamed of the tears that fought to come out of her.  Linc's hand settled on her shoulder, carefully tugging her back toward him, against his strong chest.  She sunk into him, feeling his warmth spread through her, giving her the strength to wait for him, because whether he believed it or not, he was worth her love, and she wasn't giving up.  She wasn’t walking away from him, not today, at least.  She couldn’t, just as he couldn’t walk away from Macie.

We make a fine pair.

Awkwardly, his arms and hands stretched before both their bodies.  With jerky, untrained motions, he signed, 'Tell me … thing … action … you … want … now … I … give you … now.'

She had to smile.  He was trying.  He was attempting to learn her language.  It was such a small thing, but it was what she needed to know. It was the balm to her conflicted emotions.  Patience.  Just a little more patience, and a lot of love.  She could do this.  Folding his arms around her, she hugged him to her.

"Right now," she said, "I would like to spend the day together...just us...no expectations."  Before tomorrow comes and I have to go back to my world...

Linc tightened his arms around her gently...sadly.  He suspected she was unwilling to solve his problem for him, yet giving him fuel to find the energy to do so.  

"I'd offer to take you for horse ride, but we would have to double up on Egaeus,” he said, rotating her around so she could see his words.  “I’d rather not exhaust him, so if you don’t mind, there's a trail out to the north of my property which leads into a conservation area.  I can drive the truck up there, and we can hike into the park, pack a lunch...take a blanket...."

Amber laughed.  "You have nothing to pack for a lunch, Linc."

“I’m sure between the two of us, we can find something to pack,” he said, not so sad anymore.  “I think I have a jar of olives and some cherries.”

She arched an eyebrow.  “Olives and cherries?”

“Sure,” he said, maneuvering around the horses to pull her out of the stall and back into his arms again.  “Something sour, like me, and something sweet...like you.”

Amber smiled up at his handsome face.  “And I suppose the blanket is for...?”

“A late afternoon nap, of course,” he replied, completely serious, and she burst out laughing.  Linc kissed her then, and she could taste that familiar unsettlement on his lips.  He still didn’t know what to do with her -- about her, but Amber wasn’t giving up on him.  She could wait.  She had an extreme amount of patience...sometimes.