Read My Lips: Restricted Version

RML: Chapter 33 (R)

Chapter 33

Linc laid in his own bed, staring at the bright screen of his cell phone.  ‘I luv u,’ she wrote the last time.  His finger moved over the tiny buttons on the bottom...hesitating...  ‘I love you too,’ he typed, his finger hovering over the send button.

But then a breeze drifted through his open window, and he caught a hint of something that reminded him of Macie’s own personal, unique smell...earthy, green, and the scent of horses and hay from the stables.

He closed his eyes and breathed it deep into his lungs.  Her throaty laugh infiltrated his mind, recalling a night just like this one, when they had camped out in one of his pastures before he sold all his land, making love next to a fire, the stars shining bright overhead, the sound of cattle lulling in the distance...the taste of an early summer in the air.

And he held onto the memory.  Those days, they had been happy for him.  He’d been a successful rancher, he had a beautiful woman who loved him, too, and he knew no strife with his brother, no fear and anger in his heart for life cheating him of that happiness.  No pain or grief or guilt...just love and joy and prosperity.  He felt those with Macie, but not with Amber.  And until he did, he didn’t deserve to love her in return.

Heavy of heart, Linc deleted the words and tossed his phone on his bedside table.  He had two days until he would see Amber again.  Two days to distill Macie from his soul.  To find peace within himself.

Two days, too short for Macie...two, too long for Amber.

*****

Her long dark hair streamed out behind her as she galloped across the field next to him.  A smile as brilliant as the morning sun flashed on her beautiful face, and he felt pride in his very bones because he’d been the one to put that smile there.  Waking her up that morning with a kiss, and a gentle, slow, lazy hour of lovemaking, her sighs whispering in his ears and he told her over and over how much he loved her, how much he couldn’t live without her, his heart belonged to her, only her, and she moaned, “I’m yours, Linc...forever,” as she climaxed.

A flock of brightly winged birds swooped down out of the sky, and the grasses in the field swayed with a musical beat only nature could sing.  The white clouds above were puffy, resembling the shapes of small animals and profiles of angels, and the two horses they rode raced elegantly across the land with no destination in mind.

The sound of her laughter mingled with the jingle of the harnesses and the thrum of hooves over the ground.  Saddles creaked as bodies shifted with the rhythm of galloping strides, and the rumble of distant thunder rolled over everything.

He glanced fearfully toward the horizon.  A wall of black sky, streaked with flames of lightening, began to block out the sun...storm clouds swirling closer and closer to them.  He called out for her to stop.  They had to go back.  It was too dangerous.  She did not hear him.  She kept on, urging her stallion faster and faster, straight toward the terror falling from the heavens.

“No!  Stop!  Come back!”

He kicked violently at his own mount, encouraging Egaeus to catch up to her, but her horse...Firestorm!...fled from him, further, further, the distance separated them.  “NOOOO!” he screamed at her, at that demonic horse, now breathing the fires of hell from his nostrils as he flew across the land, his hooves no longer touching the earth.

Linc watched with panic as unearthly flames engulfed both of them, her beautiful long hair shortening, curling from the heat, her face turning back to him, terror written in volumes in her bright blue eyes.  “Linc!” she shouted, unable to control Firestorm any longer.

“Macie!” he cried, his blood going cold, his muscles freezing, his heart stopping.

Another horse ran past Linc...Wil’s determined body pushing his mount faster and faster, trying to catch Macie, yelling at her to stop, echoing Linc’s cries of hysteria.  Wil almost caught up with Firestorm, but the damned horse glanced at Linc, an evil light in his black eyes...and skidded to a dead stop.  Macie screamed as she plummeted over the stallion’s head into inky veil of storm clouds, vanishing completely.

“Damn you!” Linc howled, racing past both Wil and Firestorm into the ravaging darkness.  “Macie!  Where are you!”

He saw her...her body, dirty and wet, angled oddly in a patch of wilting rose petals.  Linc vaulted from his saddle and scrambled on leaden legs to her.  “No!  Please, God!  No!”

Her hair, burnt short and smoking, covered the side of her face.  Linc dropped to his knees and pulled her into his arms.  “I tried, Linc,” Wil sobbed, falling beside him.  “I tried!”  

Chloe appeared next to them, baby crying against her chest, accusing him with tearful eyes.  “You did this!  I told you to stay away from her!  You killed her!  She loved you!  Why can’t you tell her you love her?!”

Macie’s family, her parents, her sisters, her cousin, all crowded behind Chloe, chanting the same thing, “You killed her, you killed her...”

“When her life and happiness means more to you than anything else in this world...”

Linc felt that familiar guilt plaguing him.  They were right!  He killed her!  He killed Macie!  He held her body close, her head lolled to the side in Linc’s embrace, blue eyes, dead and unseeing, and her face...freckled, beautiful, the face not of Macie...

Amber...

“I’m sorry, Linc!”

“She loved you!”

Then Macie stood before him, whispering, “When her life means more...love her, Linc.”

*****

“Aaah!”

Linc bolted out of his nightmare, his heartbeat pounding a deadly beat in his chest, his skin slick with sweat, his entire body shaking in fear.  “Oh, God!” he shouted into the darkness, pressing his palms to his eyeballs.  “Oh, fuck!  Shit, shit, shit!”

She loved you!

I tried, Linc!

Her life and happiness...more than anything else...

Evil, black eyes...flames from the pits of hell...roses...storm clouds...blue, dead gaze...  The images cycled through his brain, infecting him, haunting all rational thought, making his stomach churn, his throat seized up, gagging.

Linc threw off the covers and ran to his bathroom.  Vomit spewed from his aching body.  Sick.  Sick at heart.  Weak in his soul.  Terrified and taunted.

He crawled over to his shower, turned on the spray and laid there across the drain, shivering as the water cascaded down on him.  This had happened to him those first few days after losing Macie.  The nausea, the nightmares, the blackness of his own guilt ravishing him.  Why was it happening again?

Because you love her...you’re in love with Amber...she means more to you than anything...including me, Linc...

“Yes,” he sighed, cradling his pounding head against the cool tiles.  “I love her.”

I am gone, Linc...let me go...love her...be happy...

“Macie,” he moaned.  

I am here, Linc...but this is good-bye...

“No!”  He came up off the floor of the shower, clawing at the air.  “Please!”

Forgive them, Linc...forgive yourself...I love you...

“Macie!”

Be happy...love again...  Only the resonance of water pelting the tiles followed.  Linc clung to the sides of the shower stall, hanging his head.  She was gone.  Silent.  Forever.

“I will always love you, Macie.”

But he loved Amber, too.  The pure knowledge of that hit him.  Smacked him between the shoulder blades.  Amber...my love, my world...more than anything.  It turned out that there was room inside him for both of them.  He could have them, both, what Amber had been telling him all along.  Amber in his arms and carrying his heart, and Macie in his memories, reminding him not to give up life and happiness for a memory.  And he could be proud of that.

A faint smile curled his lips.  He saw a pair of pink lips smiling at him in return.  Heard a whisper of a laugh, felt the silk strands of Amber’s hair sliding through his fingers, the tease of her hands on his chest, the glow of her pansy-blue eyes as she gazed upon him.

And he saw the way she held her nephew tight against her breast, a soft, sweet expression of love and longing gracing her smile.  Felt the way that baby pressed against him for a brief second as he kissed her last night.  And he wanted to feel that again, see that look on her face again, but with his child, his son...his daughter...theirs...lots of little Lincolns and Ambers in this house, filling it up with a family again, love and laughter and chaos.

Two days.

*****

The very next morning, he made arrangements for a someone to care for Egaeus for a few days and drove straight to Macie’s grave with a bundle of flowers for her, to soften the blow of telling her good-bye, although she’d released him.  There was already a solitary lily lying there, with a note tied in a pink ribbon.  Curiosity got the better of him.  He unrolled the small piece of paper and recognized Amber’s girly writing.

‘Macie, you were a bright ray of sunshine that filled up Linc’s days, and when you left, shadows formed in his heart and all around him.  I had hoped to bring that sunshine back to his life, but he loves you too much to let me.  I am sorry, but I will not allow him to walk in darkness any longer.  I love him, too.  Make peace with him, and give him to me.  I will take good care of him.  I promise.’

The note was unsigned, but it didn’t matter.  He rolled it up again, tied the ribbon around it and placed it back where Amber left it, adding his own flowers with hers.

“She’s right, Macie,” he said, sitting down to talk to her, though he knew she couldn’t hear him anymore.  “She brought the sun back into my life.”  He looked up at the bright sky, as blue and as clear as any perfect day could get.  The temperatures had started to warm, and summer, though still too early, was just around the next bend.  

Today, the winter was a long ago memory.  Spring had come, bringing Amber into his life, and lightened his spirits.  Another seasonal change was in the air.  It looked to be a vibrant one, hot days and sultry nights.  Linc grinned, looking forward to it.  A summer with Amber, the woman he loved, the woman he planned to marry and plant a child in her belly, a woman he was going to grow old with.

Snorting at that last thought, he reminded himself that he was already old, but he didn’t feel that way.  He felt alive and young for the first time in years.  Amber made him young again.  It didn’t matter that he was forty, and she had yet to enter her thirties.  Nothing really mattered anymore, except her loving him, and him loving her.  He could get used to her working long hours.  He could endure her unusual habit of getting herself lost or mugged or ignoring her safety completely.  He could even tolerate that roller skate car of hers -- okay, well, maybe not the car -- but as long as she woke up in his arms every day for the rest of their lives, and loved him despite his own faults and temper, then the rest was just a weed in a garden of fragrant blooms.

With another snort and a chuckle, he thought, I really am turning soft...spouting sonnets and weaving flowers into necklaces.  But he didn’t care.  He was proud that two women such as Amber and Macie found it in their hearts to love him.  And he had the honor and glory to admit that he loved them, too.  Both of them.  Not equally, but like a man who remembered the good times -- and mistakes -- of his youth, yet regarded himself a better man for living the way he once had.  With purpose and understanding.  Those same things his sweet goldfish had taught him...to fight through the pain and leave it behind him.

He rose to his feet, standing tall.  “I release you, Macie.  Be free.”  A sigh of a breeze rustled through the trees, and Linc closed his eyes, letting the darkness leave him.  “I loved you first,” he reminded her, “but I love her now.”  With one lingering look at Macie’s headstone, he added, “Take care, my angel.”  And he turned away.

There, standing behind him, were Macie’s parents, Amelia and Thomas Serrano.  “Lincoln,” Mrs. Serrano breathed, tears in her eyes.  “It’s good to see you again.”

Linc stared into the eyes of the woman who gave birth to his first love.  “Mrs. Serrano...” he began, but could not say anything else.  He’d never been able to face them...only at the funeral had he spoke to them in the last three years.  The nightmare came back to him, then standing over him, chanting at him in unison with everyone else... “You killed her, you killed her...”

“Please, call me Amelia,” she said, coming over to him and grasping his hands in hers, trembling with emotions he didn’t want to put a name to.  Her face had aged and there was more gray in her hair since he last saw her.  This was Macie in thirty years.  It pained him to see her.  She released a hand to cup his cheek.  Mr. Serrano stood behind her, not saying anything.

“My dear boy...how have you been?” she asked.

“I’m better,” he admitted, not wanting to go into detail about that.  How could he tell them that he was in love with someone else?

“Oh, I’m glad to hear it,” she said, slowly crying up at him with a smile Linc found difficult to believe was possible.  “I’ve so wanted you to be happy again.”

“I’m trying, Mrs. S-- I mean, Amelia.”

She nodded and wiped at her tears.  “Macie would have wanted you to move on with your life.”

Would she?

Linc flicked a glance at Thomas Serrano.  The man had once called him a son, but all that changed when Macie left them.

“Oh, yes,” Amelia said, still smiling and touching his face.  Linc realized he spoke that little question aloud.  “She loved you so much, but she once told me that she wanted you to be happy more than anything.”  She paused, digging into her handbag for a tissue.  After wiping her eyes and nose, she looked up at him again.  “Did I hear you correctly?  Have you found someone else?”

Linc gazed deeply at her, trying to find the reason for her questions.  Was she upset?  Hurt?  Betrayed that he could not love her daughter forever?  “Yes, ma’am,” he said carefully.  And then, he added, “I’m sorry...”

“Whatever for?”  Her voice sounded confused and surprised.

Linc looked back at the gleaming headstone behind him.  “For not keeping her safe,” he said, “for not...for loving someone else...”

A massive fist slammed into his eye, knocking him backward.  “You sorry sonofabitch!”

“Tom! No!”

Thomas Serrano towered over him, and Linc felt the ground beneath his back, his head swimming with blackness.

“Don’t you dare take her pride away from her!”

“Tom, he didn’t mean anything by it!” Amelia pleaded with her husband.  Stars formed in Linc’s vision, and he shook his head to clear them, stumbling to his feet.

“The hell he didn’t!” Thomas roared.  “Macie knew the risks better than anyone!  She knew what she was doing when she got on that horse!  Don’t you dare say you’re sorry for that!”

Amelia grabbed Linc’s arm as he tethered there, still trying to see out of his swelling eye.  The man had a serious right jab.  

“Mr. Serrano,” Linc said thickly, “She was my responsibility...I shouldn’t have kept that horse.  I knew she wanted to ride him.  I tried to keep her away from it, but--”

“But she wouldn’t listen to you?” Mr. Serrano finished for him, still pissed off.  “Of course, she wouldn’t!  Macie never listened to anyone when it came to her riding.  And that’s what made her damn great at it.  You’ve been taking the blame for that for three years, and it’s got to stop!  It wasn’t your fault.  Don’t take away the one thing Macie loved most in this world, besides you.”  The more Thomas talked, the more his voice began to break, and soon tears were streaming down his face.

“My beautiful baby girl chose to get up on that horse that day,” he went on.  “Because it was what she was born to do.  And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

Amelia patted Linc’s arm as he maintained his footing.  His eye throbbed and started to swell.  Then he was crushed in a fierce hug by the older man.  “Lincoln,” Thomas whispered in a choking voice, “Macie was proud of you...don’t be less of a man because of something you couldn’t control.”

Linc returned the hug and drew Amelia in with his other arm.  “She loved you,” Amelia said against Linc’s chest.  “But she wouldn’t want you to suffer.”

The three of them hung on each other for a moment longer.  Linc finally pulled away, feeling exhausted, yet better than he had in a very long time.  “I wish you would have hit me years ago,” he said to Thomas with a lopsided grin.

“I wish I had, too,” the man said.  Amelia pulled Linc down to kiss his cheek.  

“Be happy,” she said to him.  “And don’t forget to invite us to the wedding.  We would love to meet this lady of yours.”

Linc blinked at her, not sure if she truly meant that, but he nodded, and the couple walked over to Macie’s grave.  Linc stared at them for a minute or two.  And then he smiled and walked away.

At a gas station outside of the city, he stopped, bought a cup of coffee for his long trip, and sent Amber a text, ‘Amber, I’m driving down to see my brother.  Nothing’s wrong.  I’ll be back tomorrow for the ball.  Tell your sister I’m sorry, I’d rather be pissed on.  She’ll know what I mean.’

He considered typing “I love you” too, but no.  He wanted to say that in person, right to her face, gazing deeply into her eyes as they widened with happiness and relief.  He pictured it in his mind all the way down to Little Rock where Wil lived with his wife, Sally, on a farm.  Him in his tux, her in an evening gown, hopefully a soft pink, just like that mouth of hers, the first thing about her that fascinated him, and them dancing on the library’s rooftop under the stars.

“I love you,” he would mouth, clearly and silently, and then kiss her.  She’d kiss him back, tears in her eyes, because women cried like that, when a man first said he loved them.  It happened in all the movies.  Except when he said it to Macie that first time--

“No,” he censured himself before his thoughts went any further, but then he smiled at himself, thinking that Amber would insist that he talk about it, get it out of the hole inside him.  And he was a man proud of his memories.

Okay, then, this memory is for you, Amber...Macie hadn’t cried.  In fact, she hadn’t done anything at all, just stared at him like he’d gone crazy.  No smile, no frown, and no kiss of pleasure.  She finally shook her head in amazement and said, “Well, cowboy, I’m in love with you, too.”  And then she twitched the reins of the horse she’d been riding in that rodeo at the fairgrounds, and headed back to her horse trailer.  The next week, he coaxed her out to his ranch, made love to her under the willow trees down by the lake, and the rest was history.

Expelling a breath, he felt tension drain from his body.  What would Amber say to that?  Probably roll her eyes and smile and say something sweet, like, “I bet she was the happiest person alive that day.”

Or, maybe, she’d get that jealous glint in her eyes, clearly wondering, We made love first...and you still did not say it.

Well, that won’t happen again, he vowed.  The next time he made love to her, kissed her, touched her, he would make sure she knew.  He loved her now.  Always.

*****

Amber blinked at Linc’s text.  Lucy read over one shoulder, and Chloe over the other.  ‘Figures,’ Chloe signed as Amber tucked her phone into her hip bag.  ‘He left you.’

Lucy scowled at Chloe.  The two women did not seem to like each other very much.  A green tinge of jealousy seemed to settle around them, both envious of the other’s relationship with Amber, which actually amused Amber.  Chloe was jealous that Lucy was Amber’s friend, when it had always been Chloe as Amber’s best friend, and Lucy coveted the sisterly relationship Amber and Chloe had.

But both agreed on one thing.  Amber and Linc.

Neither liked it that Amber tolerated Linc’s lack of love for her.  Yet, Lucy was willing to give him the benefit of a doubt, when Chloe refused to believe such bologna.

‘He did say he would be back and nothing was wrong,’ Lucy signed at Chloe.

‘It’s an eight-hour drive,’ Chloe argued as they waited in line at the deli for their lunches.  ‘If there is nothing wrong -- or if he wasn’t running away -- then why would he drive all that way, only to turn right back around?’

Amber asked, ‘What did he mean, ‘rather be pissed on’?’

Chloe laughed.  ‘Just something I said to him at the wedding.  You know...that saying, ‘Better to be pissed off than pissed on’?  I think he’s calling a truce between us.’

Amber raised an eyebrow at her, but her sister only shook her head and signed, ‘I still don’t like him.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with Lincoln Martin,’ Lucy retorted, her hands flashing angrily.  Chloe stuck her hands on her hips and shifted to get out of Amber’s view as she addressed that, speaking rather than signing.  Amber turned away from them.  Her morning had already been tiresome enough without the two of them bickering.  She woke up in the middle of the night, panic searing her flesh and nausea rumbling her stomach, and she couldn’t figure out why.  She hadn’t dreamed, that she knew of, but she felt like cold finger of Death touched her in her sleep, and she saw Linc in her mind, tearing his own heart out.  It had been enough to keep her awake the rest of the night.  Then she left early, telling Lucy she had something to do before work, and drove over to the cemetery.  There she left a note for Macie, begging the spirit of the woman to let Linc go.

When she got to work, the duties of her job came crashing down on her.  Every last minute preparation for the charity ball got screwed up or went wrong in some fashion or another.  And Chloe and Daniel showed up with the baby, saying they decided to stick around for a few days, kind of a mini-vacation, and that they checked into a hotel and she could have her apartment back.  That part, she was happy about.  She truly did miss her sister, but her sister stayed with her all morning at the library, volunteering to help with the exhibits, and the hours had been trying.  Especially with Chloe subtly trying to prod information out of her about Linc.  Daniel and Nate went to the zoo -- though Amber didn’t know how a five-month-old baby could enjoy tigers down in an enclosure and peacocks running amok -- and shopping for some things neither of them brought along in their hasty separation.  So, it had been her, Lucy and Chloe, together, signing all morning and her avoiding her sister’s inquisitions, and her hands were aching from her not signing as much as she used to.

Now, Linc had left town, and she couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of her.  Nothing is wrong.  Then why did he leave?  She thought about asking Chloe if she could call her friend Sally, Wil’s wife, and ask.  But that would make her look desperate.

Why did you leave, Linc?  Had she been too forward last night, prodding him to talk about Macie and then attacking him on her bed that way?

“Hey!  Earth to Amber!”  Lucy flapped her hands in front of Amber’s face.  She blinked and realized they were sitting at their favorite table, Lucy’s and Chloe’s lunches half gone, and Amber’s, untouched.  The other two women giggled.

“I think she’s thinking about last night,” Chloe said to Lucy with a toothy grin.  “Did she tell you I caught the two of them?”

Lucy grinned in return.  “Yes.”

Amber scowled at both of them.

Chloe leaned across the table at Amber, a mischievous light in her similar blue eyes.  “By the way, sis...you might want to change your sheets again.”

Amber threw a french fry at her.  “Gross!  That is my bed!”

“I know...sorry!  It’s very springy!”

Amber dropped her head to the table and groaned, “Oh, my god...you do not have to paint me a picture!”  She lifted up in time to see Chloe saying to Lucy, “I’m glad she’s finally getting laid, but why does it have to be him?”

“Hey,” Amber hissed, pointing at her sister.  “He loves me...he just has trouble saying it.”

Chloe looked at her sister with pity.  “If he hasn’t said it by now, he won’t.  He’s just screwing around with you.  Why won’t you understand that?  Men like Lincoln Martin only use women.  He’s too old for you, he’s too angry, and he’s too much of a drunk!”

“He has not been drunk once since the wedding,” Amber argued in a low voice, at least she hoped it was low, but some people around them began to stare.  Lucy didn’t say anything, and Amber wondered if she felt the same way as Chloe, only never said so, or only said things that would make her feel good about her decisions.  

Chloe held up her hand as a sign of peace between them.  Her face softened in that way mothers used when soothing a temperamental child.  It irritated the crap out of Amber.  “Amber, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have some fun.  You’re still young, and you’re too beautiful to be single and miserable.  I’m just saying that Lincoln Martin isn’t going to love you back.  I don’t want to see you hurt.  I only want you to be careful--’

Amber stood up quickly.  “I am tired of being careful!  I am tired of you and everyone else telling me what to think and do and feel!”

Lucy rose to her feet, too.  “Amber...she didn’t mean--”

“I know exactly what she means,” Amber shot back.  “I will see you back at work later.”  She adjusted her bag around her hips and headed toward the deli’s door.  Lucy caught up with her.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I don’t know...it doesn’t matter.’ She signed wearily.  ‘I will see you later.’

Amber stomped out into the afternoon sunshine and walked down the sidewalk, no destination in mind.  She just had to get away from Chloe.

Because her sister was right.  If he hadn’t said it by now...he never would.