Read My Lips: Restricted Version

RML: Chapter 28 (R)

Chapter 28

"At least let me follow you back to town," Linc said, eying Amber's car as she stood there that evening, telling him goodbye.  She wasn’t eager to leave, but she needed some time and space alone to process the last twenty-four hours.

"I can drive home without an escort, Linc," she told him, twirling her key ring around her finger.

"I know you can," he replied, his eyes drifting back to her car with a dubious expression, "but..."

Amber rolled her eyes.  "But you do not like my car.  Admit it...you hate it."

"Yes...I hate it.  I hate the idea of you driving it."

“Why?  It is very safe,” she assured him...just like she’d done yesterday.  

“It’s too small,” he said, a grim expression on his face.

Indignation hit her like a lightening bolt.  After all this time together, he was still fighting her about the little things...her car, her job...not loving her.  Just an hour ago, he asked her to stay the night with him again.  She told him she had to work in the morning, and he said that she could play hooky one day.  Then she told him she couldn’t; she had bills to pay -- rent, utilities, groceries, her new car note.  After that, he said she didn’t have to work at all.  He had enough money for both of them.

That made her mad.  She wanted to yell at him that she wasn’t sleeping with him to get at his money.  She didn’t want to be “taken care of.”  She didn’t want to lose her independence so soon after acquiring it.  

But she didn’t yell.  She didn’t say anything.  She just put on her own clothes and headed out toward her car.  And now, here they stood, bickering again because she needed to go home, and he couldn’t let her go.  The irony of it all occurred to her.  He didn’t love her, but he wanted her to stay with him.  The man was confusing her, which was why she needed to get away from him.  Just for a little while.  

She loved him, but if she didn’t leave right away, she was liable to punch him.

“Good night, Linc,” she said, turning to climb into the driver’s seat.  He braced his hands on the door, hindering its closing.  She closed her eyes and breathed as calmly as her lungs allowed under the situation.  “Linc...let go of my car.”

He crouched down beside her, his boots shifting to accommodate his weight on the balls of his feet.  She glanced at him.

“Amber, don’t be mad...I’m just worried about you.  Some trucker driver would run over this little thing and think he’d hit road kill.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Then let me follow you home--”

“No, Linc!”  So much for the not-yelling-at-him bit.

He chewed on an oath and shoved himself away from the door.  Amber shut it and turned her engine...then he was standing in front of her, his palms on the hood and glaring at her through the windshield.  “Goddammit, Amber!  Why won’t you let me keep you safe?!”

Amber curled her fingers tighter around the steering wheel.  Just let me go, Linc...  Don’t make me do this.  We had such a beautiful day together...let us end it peacefully.

He banged a fist on her hood when she kept silent.

That did it.

Amber allowed the engine to idle and jumped out.  “Do not hit my car,” she hissed at him.

“You’re being unreasonable,” he said.

“I am not being unreas--unreasona--argh!”  The long word stumped her.  She threw her hands up in the air and flashed him a curse word.

“I just want to help you,” he said, his brown eyes glowing darkly.  “I don’t want to see you hurt.  I can’t stand it.  Please.”

She pointed a strong finger at him.  “You are the one hurting me, Lincoln Martin.  I need to go home.”

“And I need to keep you safe,” he retorted.  “You driving this thing scares the hell out of me.”

“You would let Macie drive it,” she said, getting so freaking mad right now.  Why couldn’t he let her leave in peace?  She’d kept her promise all day.  She’d not said a damn word about Precious Macie since this morning down by the lake.  Now, whatever came out of her mouth, he deserved.  “You would let Macie do whatever the hell she wanted to, would you not?  Because you loved her!  Because she was so damn precious...Precious Macie...got your heart so tied up in knots, you cannot see straight anymore!  You cannot look at me and not see her--”

“That’s not true--”

“Is it not?  Then let her go!  Maybe, if you did let go of Precious Macie--”

“Stop calling her that!”

“--then you would let me go home so I can think about what has happened between us!”  She finished her rant in an exhaustion of breath and had to refill her lungs.

“What is there to think about?  We had sex...lots and lots of sex!”

Can I punch him now?  

Angry tears spilled out of her eyes.  Linc saw them and cursed, “Shit, Amber...don’t cry...don’t...I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yes, you did,” she whispered, unable to make her voice strong again.  “Admit it...that is all this was to you...sex.”

“No!  I care for you,” he insisted, coming around to her, but she hid behind the open car door, afraid that if he touched her, she would crumble.

“But not enough, Linc...and that was okay.  I was fine with it.  Now, I am not so sure.”  As he came to a stop before her, she dropped into her car and drove away as quickly as she could, buckling her seat belt as she skidded out of his driveway.

He followed her anyway.

She drove for a mile before she saw his white truck behind her.  That’s the way he wants it?  Fine.  Amber turned onto a country road and drove for several miles before turning onto another...and another and another.  All the way around the city, she drove, taking the very long scenic route.  Eventually, she made her way through the city streets and parked in her spot behind her apartment building.  He was waiting for her at the back entrance.

“Okay....okay,” he said, holding his palms up in surrender.  “You’re pissed.  But we have to figure this out.”

“Figure what out, Linc?” she asked sweetly...bitterly.

“I want to love you, Amber,” he confessed.  “But it hurts too much to let her go...I feel like I’m betraying her...I don’t know what to do.”

“I cannot help you with that,” she said, admitting defeat in herself.  She tried...Lord, how she tried to make him get over Macie!

“Yes, you can,” he said, gently putting a hand on each of her shoulders.  “I know you can...just give me more time.”

“I cannot help you,” she repeated tiredly, “because you will not talk to me about it...about her.”

He removed his touch from her shoulders.  His hands fell to his sides as though they weighed too much for him to hold up.  “What do you want to know, Amber?  What can I tell you to stop you from looking at me like that?  Like you hate me.”

Amber rubbed at her temple.  A headache was forming, throbbing inside her skull.  “Linc...you do not seem to understand.  You have to want to talk to me.  Not because you feel obli...obliga...”  She huffed out a breath.  So tired...too tired to speak anymore...

“Obligated?”  He smiled tenderly at her.  “If you cannot say the words, then sign them to me, Amber.  Make me understand.”

Looking up into his eyes, the soft eyes she loved so much, she swallowed back the threat of more tears.  ‘I cannot force you.’

He frowned in concentration at her moving hands.  “You...no...me...I don’t know that other one,” he mused.

Amber exhaled heavily.  “‘Force’, Linc.  I cannot force you...I cannot make you understand.”

“But I want you to,” he argued, sticking his hands over his hips.

“No, you have to want to,” she said.  “I am sorry, Linc.  I am tired.  I want to go upstairs.  Good night.”

She made to walk past him.  He carefully grabbed her elbow.  “Can I have a good-night kiss, Amber?  Before you leave me?”

“I am not leaving you,” she said wearily and distressed.  “I am giving you time and space...the same things I need right now.  Last night was wonderful, do not get me wrong, and today...dreams are made of days like today, but Linc...I believe what I am doing here is right.”

“Walking away, you mean?”

She shook her head.  “I am not walking away, and I am not leaving you, but you cannot commit to me, so I am giving you the space you need.”

He caressed her arm, still hanging onto it.  “One kiss, Amber,” he said.  “Then I’ll let you go.  Please?  Just one kiss.”

Her heart wouldn’t let her ignore his plea.  She rose up on her tiptoes and touched her lips to his, lingering there for a brief, sweet second longer than she should have.  His lips were warm and giving.  He didn’t push the kiss into something more.  But his finger did touch her under her chin, lightly holding her for that short moment in time.  She opened her eyes as he signed, ‘Thank you, my sweet.’

Amber went inside her building and up the elevator to her apartment.  She cried herself to sleep that night.

*****

The next morning, she exited her apartment to find a bouquet of hand-picked wildflowers laying on her doorstep.  They were rumpled and wilted and tied with a thin strip of fabric that looked suspiciously like the torn bottom hem of a pair of jeans.  She smiled.  Damn that man.  Why did he have to be so irresistible?

Twenty minutes later, she stepped into the library’s archive basement and was plowed over by Lucy.  ‘I called you like four times yesterday!’ she signed in a rush.  ‘But you didn’t reply to my texts.  Tell me everything!’

Amber laughed.  Between the wildflowers and her best friend, her mood had buoyed considerably since last night.  ‘Good morning to you, too.’

‘None of that,’ Lucy signed as she grinned.  ‘Tell me!  Was it awesome?  I bet Lincoln Martin really knows what he’s doing!’

‘A lady never kisses and tells,’ Amber signed back, heading to her office.  Already, there were boxes of work piled up in the doorway, and her voice-to-text answering machine flashing repeatedly.

‘But best friends tell each other everything,’Lucy persisted, still grinning as though her teeth were locked into that position.

Amber couldn’t help it.  She grinned back and dropped her work bag into her desk chair.  ‘Okay, okay!  It was wonderful...everything I could ever dream about and more.  Linc was a real gentleman...but not always,’ she added with a wink.  She could see Lucy squealing, and for once, she was glad she couldn’t hear that.  The high pitch probably cracked the mortar between the bricks in the wall.

‘So?  Does he love you, too?’

And with that, her good mood vanished.

Lucy saw the change and lost her grin.  “Ah, shit,” she voiced aloud, and when Amber saw the words coming out of her friend’s lips, she had to snort out a disbelieving laugh.  Lucy never cursed.  “Don’t laugh.  It’s not funny,” Lucy said, sticking her fists on her hips.  “The stupid jerk.  He never said he loved you?  It’s as plain as day...written all over that cowboy mug of his!”

“It is fine,” Amber told her.  “We talked a little about it.  I think he is trying, but he just cannot let Macie go.”

“It is not fine.  Look at you!  You should see the look on your face right now.  How can you say it is fine?”

“Because it is,” Amber insisted.  “I knew what would happen if I did this...if I spent the night with him.  I cannot be upset or complain about something I knew would happen.”

“So, what happens now with you two?”

“Time and space,” Amber answered, though that solution didn’t sound so great in the light of day.  “Linc has issues he needs to figure out on his own.  I will not help him or force him.  If I did, then one day, he might resent me for doing so.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Lucy said in agreement.  She opened her arms and flapped her fingers at Amber.  “Come here, hon...let me give you a hug.”  Amber walked into her friend’s embrace and felt better.  “Guys are funny like that sometimes,” Lucy added as she drew back.  “Do you want to talk some more about it?”

Amber shook her head vaguely.  “Maybe later.  Just thinking about thinking about it makes my head hurt.  I need some coffee first.”

“There’s a pot already brewing,” Lucy said.  “I’ll get you a cup.”  She disappeared down the hall to Amber’s old office/closet.  Right after being promoted into Jimmie’s job, the two of them turned the small room into their own personal coffee house.  “Did I tell you that Brian called me last night?” Lucy asked, coming back with two mugs.

“No,” Amber said, smiling in anticipation...and glad they had moved onto another subject.  She still hadn’t wrapped her head around what happened to her and Linc this weekend.  And it would take more than one cup of coffee to help clear the fog from her brain.  She loved Linc.  Linc didn’t love her, but he “wanted” to.  And there was a dead woman standing between them...probably sneering from Heaven as Linc’s naked body slid over hers...and into hers...again and again...

Amber didn’t know whether to shudder with revulsion over the prospect of a voyeuristic angel, or to tremble in desire from her memories of Linc’s bed.

‘Well, he did,’ Lucy signed after sticking a chocolate candy in her mouth to go with her coffee, and Amber snapped back to the present.  ‘He said he is in Seattle now at a conference, though I’m not sure when he got there because he was supposed to be in New York, and that he was thinking of me.’

‘That was sweet of him.’

‘I thought so,’ Lucy went on, her mouth trying to swallow the wad of gooey chocolate inside it.  ‘And that’s not even the weird thing...my dad called last night, too.’

‘Oh?’  They had talked about Lucy’s dad, off and on, Amber never pressing Lucy to say more than she’d been comfortable with.  Apparently, she’d been getting to know him outside of her mother’s knowledge for over a year.  Nobody knew but the two women standing in that office and her father.  Lucy was afraid her mother would start badgering her about it, repeating all the stories and mistakes and flaws she’d told Lucy as a child.  Lucy said her dad wasn’t the man she grew up thinking he was.  He was wonderful, and she was glad she finally got to meet him.

“Yeah,” she spoke, her mouth clear again. “And get this...he’s also in Seattle.  Weird, huh?  I wonder if him and Brian are at the same conference, since they both work for investment firms.”

Amber frowned a little at that as she unwrapped a candy for herself and stuck it in her mouth.  ‘That is weird.  Are you sure you’re not interested in Brian because he has so much in common with your dad?  You know...that whole daddy’s-little-girl complex, or whatever the psychologists call it.  I don’t want to see you hurt.’

“Maybe...I don’t know.”  Lucy threw her hands up in the air.  “I like Brian, but I’ve wondered the same thing, too.  Do I like him because I never knew my dad?  I really don’t want to be ‘that girl’.  It’s creepy just thinking about it.”

‘Lucy...if you’re uncomfortable with it...just don’t see him anymore,’ Amber signed back.

Lucy studied Amber for a moment.  ‘And Linc?  Are you still going to see him again, even though you’re obviously uncomfortable with it.’

Amber grimaced and stuck her chocolate-coated tongue out.  “Touche.”

Lucy laughed, her face going soft and congenial again.  “How about we get to work?  We’ve got a big week ahead of us, and it’ll keep our minds off our man troubles.”

“Why is it...it is always the man who gives us trouble?” Amber wanted to know with a small smile.

“I think they say the same about us,” Lucy said.  “Come on...they’ve roped off Kirk Hall for us to start setting up the exhibit.  And I was able to commandeer some volunteers from the children’s floor.  And I think one of them helps out over at the Deaf school, so you’ll have two translators to work with.”  Lucy grinned at that, knowing how Amber felt about speaking in public, especially to a bunch of strangers.

*****

Linc found himself at the cemetery again.  He’d come to talk to her...to explain to Macie what he was feeling and fighting against, told her about Amber and how she loved him, and he wanted to love her back, but Macie had to let go of the fist around his heart.

He knew it was stupid to ask such a thing to a headstone.  He could argue and plead and bang his head against the tree all he wanted.  The marble maker with Macie’s name on it wasn’t talking back.  It wasn’t solving his problem.  And he was too damn afraid to go inside himself to find the answer.  What if what he discovered was too hard to accept?  What if he let go of Macie, released her from his clutch, only to realize that he can’t love and protect Amber enough to keep her by his side?  That he’d fail her, like he failed Macie.  Like he failed to support his brother, turning bitter and cold for over three years...and like he lost his ranch -- his family’s ranch -- because his pride told him he spent far too much money on that demon stallion to just get rid of it when he should have.

Precious Macie, Amber had called her.  The tortured streak of jealousy clearly darkening her eyes.  Precious Macie...the name ringing irritably in his ears.  And yet, he couldn't fault Amber for saying it.  Obviously, she hated hearing about her all the time, yet she pressed him to talk through it, to talk about Macie, to remember those times and share them.  

Linc sat down on the grass and picked at some random blades.  Today...coming here...it felt more like an obligation after spending the weekend with Amber.  He knew it was the guilt, rather than grief, which drove him to be here today.  There had been days when he couldn't tell the two emotions apart, but they separated on him today.  He still missed Macie, but after not being with Amber for twelve hours, he already missed her more.

Now he was losing Amber, too.  She’d been so hurt and angry last night when he followed her home.  Their lovemaking had been so beautiful and perfect and sexy, and their laughter a warm welcome to his bitter heart.  He could have that for the rest of his life...have her, Amber, but not if he couldn’t love her.  Even a woman as sweet as Amber wouldn’t wait forever.

There had to be a way.  I will figure this out!

I cannot force myself...but I can spend every waking moment with you, Amber, not thinking about Macie, not grieving her, but trying to love you.  All I can do is try.

But Linc discovered over the next couple of days that life was cruel and not sensitive to his pursuit of happiness.  Raven Rose started having complications, and his days and nights were full and busy.  His plans to spend those days and nights with Amber had to wait.