Losing It All

Chapter Two

The rough-cut table leaves pressure marks in my skin and I have to rub the feeling back into my elbows. The cafeteria is loud, as usual, with groups chattering to each other at every table. Silence is a rarity. I have friends to either side of me, fellow initiates, who are gossiping about today's initiation task. Amity initiation is not structured like some of the other Factions'. The idea is to promote natural kindness and encourage a desire to help one another. Each initiate is expected to volunteer their time helping in as many ways as they can. Do this successfully and you'll be added to the official faction roster. The roster isn't entirely necessary – the work would get done anyway – but in the interest of fairness the chores are rotated among members; taking into consideration any other careers that they may have to complete, of course. Personally, I'm torn between becoming a nurse and working in the daycare in the city. I am munching absently on a carrot, when my friend shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Camie smiles at me. She is Amity-born like myself and has been a friend of mine since we were very young.

“Are you feeling alright today, Belle?” she asks me. A flicker of concern passes through her eyes but her smile doesn't falter. “You seem distracted and you've barely touched your breakfast.”

I return her smile with ease, though my thoughts remain scattered. “I'm fine, Camie,” I say. “Just a little nervous about picking a career after initiation.”

That's partially true. I do not mention my preoccupation with Eric though. Camie gives me a reassuring hug. “Well I have to go,” she says, standing up. “I'm helping out some of the counsellors at the school today. I have to go catch the bus into the city.” She waves goodbye as she walks away. I sigh and stand as well. I'm required in the laundry rooms today.

The walk down the wooden hallway feels like it goes on forever. My thoughts shift, as they have so often lately, back to the other day. Back to the fence. Back to him. My heart flutters as the image of his face appears in my mind. But then I remember reality, the impossibility. A cold enters my chest, spreading to all my limbs, freezing my fingertips and my toes.

I sigh. It's going to be a long day.

***

I run the iron over the wrinkled fabric of a red dress before passing the newly warmed piece of clothing to my partner and fellow initiate for folding. We have been working silently all morning, lost in our own thoughts. Unusual for Amity, but I am not much in the mood for talking. I am lucky that my partner is a transfer from Erudite. Erudite. An image of Eric dressed in blue and wearing an eager expression springs to my mind. The iron steams and I realize that I've almost burned a hole through a yellow shirt.

“Coloe?” I ask timidly, suddenly desperate for information.

She stops folding and looks at me. “Yes?”

“You used to be Erudite didn't you?” I try to ignore the nervous thudding of my heart. I don't mean to pry, but I just have to know.

“Yes. I was born an Erudite,” she replies, her language still too formal for Amity. “However, I found it quite difficult to sustain such a level of academia. I chose Amity because I wanted to still be of use to the society. Here, I can still be an essential part of society.”

I nod. It is a common wish, the need to be useful. A similar wish sustains my drive to become a nurse. “And,” I clear my throat, “And did you have to leave many friends behind?”

“A few,” she answers, “but since coming here, I've made many more.” She smiles at me and I try to smile back. We fall back into a rhythm of work and quiet settles between us once more. I try to work up the courage to ask her what I really want to know.

“Did you - ?” I swallow trying to loosen the feeling of glue in my throat. “In Erudite, did you know someone our age named Eric?”

She is quiet for so long that I am sure that I've over-stepped my boundaries. I don't look at her until she finally answers. “Yes, I knew him. Well, of him. We did not speak personally, although he was in several of my classes at school. Why do you ask?”

I take a deep breath before I answer her. I decide to tell her the truth – as vaguely as possible. “I met him the other day. I just wondered if maybe you could tell me more about him.” She stares at me blankly and I trail off. “Or something...”

She assesses me for a while and I feel the stress of suspicion. Eventually she turns away and answers my question. “He was a genius, to be sure. A favourite of Jeanine's actually. But being at the top changed him. Made him cruel. Vicious. It's no surprise that he transferred to Dauntless.

“Oh.” It's all I can think of to say. “Thank you.”

We relapse back into silence and nothing more is spoken between us.

***

In my dream I stand on the roof of a building. The wind blows back my hair but it is not strong enough to worry me. I look down and notice that I am wearing dark denim jeans and a black tank top. The city lights twinkle in the night. I hear footsteps and turn to see Eric standing behind me. I smile and walk toward him. He wraps his arms around me and I am so close that I can feel his heart beat against my chest. His lips touch mine, lightly at first and then with more pressure. As we kiss on the rooftop, all of the city lights are extinguished into their curfew darkness. We embrace in the blackness.

I wake with my pillow in my mouth and cough at the uncomfortable dryness. I sit up with a sigh and untangle myself from my sheets. The nearby clock reads just after midnight, but I am so awake now that I know more sleep is out of the question. I get out of bed and change into something more proper to wear. Slipping out of the dorm and into the hallway, I try not to let the floor creak too loudly and pray I don't wake anyone. Outside the cool night air calms me, smelling like earth and fruit and familiarity. I walk for a long time in the darkness, trying to dispel the anxious energy that consumes me. I am afraid that I have made the wrong choice. Eventually, I find myself at the fence. I hadn't realized that I'd been heading in this direction.

I stare at the gate without any real plan of action. Footsteps sound nearby and my heart pounds wildly. I turn and am greeted by flashlight beams to the eyes. I flinch and the lights lower. In front of me are two female Dauntless guards. They are older than me, but not by much. A year or two maybe.

“What are you doing here?” one of them asks. “This area is off-limits at this time of night.”

I nod. “I understand that,” I say, trying to smile. “I just couldn't sleep, so I'm talking a walk.” In the distance I hear the train's whistle and have the sudden desire for wind in my face. “I thought maybe if I sat on the train for a while...” I trail off, realizing how ridiculous I must sound.

The blonde Dauntless raises her eyebrows at me. “Unusual request for an Amity.”

I shrug, “I've got a lot on my mind. I wanted some quiet.”

The girls look at each other and then nod slightly. “Alright,” says the first girl with a sigh. “We'll let you through. But if you aren't back before our shift ends, you're in big trouble. You have two hours.”

I grin and hug them both in excitement. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

They pull open the gate so that it is wide enough for me to slip through. “I'm Belle, by the way,” I say.

“Emily,” says the blonde with a smile. I shake her hand.

“Samantha,” says the other.

I thank them again and hurry through the gate.