Losing It All

Chapter Seven

Eric had not been happy to learn of Lucas' antics during the game, but his pride in me had overridden that emotion. He had kept my Dauntless clothing, but the small glowing flag is kept under a floorboard beneath my bed. I smile at the memory of it as I enter the dining hall and sit between Coloe and Camie. Coloe lights up as I settle into the seat and launches into a story about a boy one of the other initiates has a crush on. I smile, but find it hard to focus on her chatter until she says, “... passed! Isn't that great?”

 I snap out of my daze and look at her blankly. “Sorry, what's great?”

 She frowns at me. “Haven't you been listening at all? I said you passed your medical exam! That means you start training as a nurse!” She hugs me and I grin.

 As it turns out, Coloe has started with the crush story because he's the one who had the test results. I smile at Zachary as he tells me the news and try not to act overly excited. Some of the initiates had failed, after all, and that would be unkind.

 I can't wait until I can see Eric so that I can gloat!

 ***

 “Congratulations!” Sam and Emily chorus their praise and I grin.

 “So I guess you're going to be trained by Erudite, then?” Sam asks.

 I nod, “I start Thursday at the hospital. But I won't be learning as much as I'd like. I'd have to be Erudite for that.”

 “But you're smart enough for them to want to train you,” Emily chimes in, “That's Erudite enough.”

 I nod again. It suddenly occurs to me that the nurses of the Amity and Dauntless are the only members expected to fall on the borders of two factions; or rather they're the only ones allowed. I wonder if that should worry me.

I thank them for their help and walk back into the city.

 ***

 I am buzzing with happy energy as I approach the tracks. But it doesn't last. I see him as soon as as I pull myself into the car and immediately know that something is wrong. He sits against the wall and doesn't look up at me as I approach. I sit across from him and a chill runs down my spine. His eyes hold a deadened look.

 “What happened?” I whisper.

 He looks at me but says nothing. I shift closer, wrapping my arms around him and stroking his hair. The rings in his ears are like ice to my fingers.

 “You can tell me anything,” I say. “I won't judge you.”

 He looks at me for a moment and opens his mouth. But then he clamps it shut and turns away. I press my lips to his cheek and hold him for a long time. “I love you, you know.” My voice comes out too quiet. I speak into his neck, unable to watch his expression. “I love you. And it hurts me to see you this way. Hurts me to be unable to help you.” He is quiet for a long time. I don't expect him to tell me he loves me too; hadn't said it for that reason. I just want to see the light back in his eyes.

 “I killed someone,” he says suddenly. His voice cracks with emotion. “I killed my initiation Instructor.” He holds his breath and waits for my reaction.

 A cold spreads through me and it is several moments before I place it as fear. All of the accusations of his cruelty flood into my mind and I begin to wonder what he's like when he's not with me. I swallow and when I speak it is a struggle to keep my voice even. “Why?”

 That was not the reaction he was expecting and though I'm not looking at his face, I feel his emotions change. He relaxes slightly. “He was waiting for me by the tracks, “he says, “to warn me not to come out. Somebody told him that I'd been meeting you.” I shudder and wonder if it was Lucas. “We argued for a bit and then he had the audacity to tell me that sneaking out might be the reason that I ranked second to that Stiff!” He is shouting now, his hands curled into fists. “And then, I don't know, I just lost it! Next thing I know, he's dead by the tracks and the train was coming.” He starts shaking and I tighten my grip around him.

 “Thank you,” I say, pressing a kiss to his lips. I am just as grateful that he told me the truth as I am that he defended me.

 “You're not upset that I'm second best?” he says bitterly, latching on to the slightly more comfortable topic.

 “I would love you, even if you were last.”

 That's the third time I've said it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I shift so that I'm sitting in his lap and we kiss for a long time, before I pull away and rest my head against his chest. “I'm going to be a nurse,” I say. It no longer feels important, but I still want to say it. “I passed the preliminary medical examination.” There is pride in his eyes when he pulls my mouth back to his. We are a matched set, he and I; good and bad; light and dark. Ying and Yang.

 “I love you, Belle.”