Losing It All

Chapter Three

The winds whips my braid behind me as I sit with my legs overhanging the floor of the train. I should be afraid to sit here but somehow it seems natural to me. I hold tightly to the bar by the door as the train enters a curve. I avoid falling out and as a reward the dark city unfolds before me, looming masses of shadow, steel and stone. It is beautiful; stoic and silent. I lean against the edge of the door and sigh happily. Out here, removed from faction and family, out here all alone, I finally feel at ease. The train slows and I see a figure standing near the tracks. I pull myself back into the car and hide in the shadows. The person by the tracks jumps in, pulling themselves into the train car with practised ease. I shrink back, but this new person is so close that it won't be long before they notice me. The train picks up speed and I stumble, falling right into the arms of the person that I was trying to avoid. The man responds defensively and I am slammed against a wall. In spite of myself I let out a terrified squeak.

“Who are you and what do you want?” He growls at me. Although I can't see him in the dark, he is so close that I can feel his breath on my face. I recognize his voice. It is the voice that haunts my dreams. My heart stops beating and I forget how to breathe. He shakes me violently when I don't answer and my head bounces off the wall. Dazed, I stare in the dark where his face should be. A beam of moonlight enters the car, lighting the side of his face and mine. I watch as recognition appears in his dark eyes. He loosens his grip on me, but not by much.

“You again?” He frowns, “Are you following me?”

Nervous giggles erupt from me. “I should point out that I was already here, when you arrived.”

He growls again and releases me. As he steps back, I suddenly feel cold. I hadn't realized how much warmth his body had been radiating until it was gone. I sigh and rub my hand up and down my arms to warm them back up and lean leisurely against the wall. “I'm Belle,” I say, sinking down to the floor, so that I'm sitting across from him. He looks up at me, staring blankly, “I know.” He doesn't say anything else. My heart flutters. This boy is bad for my health, I think suddenly. If this keeps up I'm going to develop an arrhythmia.

“Umm... Eric?”

“What?” His voice is edged with annoyance and I have to fight the urge to hug him.

“Can I ask what you're doing here?” I wipe my hands on my red denim pants and bite my lip in anticipation.

He shakes his head. “You're one to talk. What's an Amity doing on a train in the middle of the night?”

He answered my question with another question. Does that mean he has something to hide? Or is he up to something and won't talk about it in an effort to avoid conflict with me? I chew on the inside of my bottom lip and realize that these are all Amity qualities. As far as I know, Eric has none. I lean my head back against the wall and look up at the darkness of the ceiling. “I couldn't sleep,” I say after a while. “I just wanted to get away.”

I don't wait for him to say anything this time. Instead, I swing myself around so I am sitting as I as before, with my legs overhanging the floors edge. I keep my muscles taut and grip the bar tightly to avoid falling into the fast moving wheels. The wind whips my face until it is almost numb and I know that my cheeks must be bright red. I feel movement and turn my head to see Eric sitting next to me, gripping the floor for balance rather than the other side of the door. It makes me happy that he chose to sit next to me, rather than leave a few feet between us. His leg brushes against mine and I'm suddenly hoping for a curve in the train tracks, for him to need to grab hold of me to avoid falling. The wind had numbed me, but now my cheeks feels hot.

“I couldn't sleep either.” His voice is so low that I almost don't hear it over the whistling of the wind. I want to say something, want to comfort him, but I can see that we are approaching the fence. It's my stop. I have to leave. Tears suddenly burn in my eyes. I pull myself to my feet and shake my head.

“I have to go now,” I say, when he looks up at me. “If I don't get back soon I'll get in trouble.” I can see the fence now and the dead trees beyond it. The train begins to slow. “Can I see you again, sometime?” I ask, trying not to let my voice waver. He nods after a moment. I smile and jump off of the train.

***

“Feeling any better?” Emily asks as I slip through the gate into the Amity compound.

I smile at her and nod. “Yes. I think that was exactly what I needed.” I pause, unsure of how to ask for what I want. “I think I'd like to do this more often.”

Emily and Sam look at me in surprise for a moment and I blush. Their expressions make me feel as though I've grown another head. Slowly, Emily nods. “Well, we work this shift every three days and day shifts sometimes. Come back on Wednesday night and I'll give you a copy of our schedule.”

“Thank you!” I almost hug her, but then I remember that that's not a Dauntless tradition. To my surprise, she pulls me into a quick embrace herself. At least now I know that the Dauntless are okay with displays of affection.

“So what's his name?” Sam asks me with a grin.

The heat rises into my cheeks and I sputter, trying to tell them it has nothing to do with a boy. I fail and they smile at me knowingly.

“Pretty daring of you, what with the whole 'Faction before Blood' rule. I wouldn't expect such behaviour from an Amity.” Sam smirks at me. “Are you sure you're not in the wrong faction, Belle?”

I shake my head. “Technically, I'm not in a faction yet. I'm only an initiate. But I'm comfortable where I am.”

She nods. “Yeah, yeah. I get it. So, was this guy in Amity before he transferred? You must have known him a long time to risk so much.”

“Actually, we barely know each other. He was in Erudite.”

Their eyes grow wide and the stare at me for a long time before speaking. “He's not...factionless, is he?” Emily whispers. Her voice is a combination of awe and scandal.

I shake my head again. “No. He's in Dauntless, actually. And if you two are any indication, the Dauntless don't mind breaking the rules.”

They open their mouths, but there is nothing they can say to argue with that. Sam claps a hand on my shoulder, the look in her eyes serious. “Be careful, Belle.”

I give her my most reassuring smile. “Don't worry. I will be. See you Wednesday.”

I wave goodbye and walk back to my dorm.

***

By the time breakfast rolls around, I have only slept for four hours, but I feel impossibly bright. The ability to face the day with hope in your heart is something that cannot be taught. Hope, like trust, must be cultivated and maintained. My hope has been handed to me by a small group of Dauntless who were willing to set aside the differences between us and treat me as one of their own. I haven't been so happy in a long time.

I hum as I peel my orange and Coloe gives me a strange look, like this behaviour is unnatural. And maybe it is – for me anyway – but this is Amity. Happiness is commonplace. It is like air and earth; plentiful and replenishable.

“What?” I ask her with a grin. “You've never seen a happy Amity before?” I stick my tongue out at her, trying to lighten the mood.

Coloe stares for a moment before smiling. “Sarcasm isn't kind, Belle.” She smears a fingerful of peanut butter on my cheek and we burst out into laughter. I clean it off and she pulls me into a hug. “I'm glad you've found something to cheer you up,” she whispers in my ear.

And I have. I've made so many new friends.

My heart is so full, I fear it might burst.