Losing It All

Chapter Nine

Two years later.

The smell of the apple orchard has always been my favourite. The soft earthy tones mixing with the sharp sweetness, warmed by the green light filtering through the leaves. I take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. It is days like this when I feel happiest, when the darkness that had been left behind doesn't make me wonder what might have been. Nearby, one of the new initiates is humming to himself as he picks red fruit from the branches. He wears a grey t-shirt and works carefully, helping the others without drawing too much attention to himself. It strikes me that the Abnegation are not that much different than the Amity. Not really. He fills his basket and catches my eye.

“Belle!” he waves me over with a smile. “What do we do with these when their full?”

“We'll take them over to those tables over there,” I say, pointing across the orchard, “And then we'll crate them and bring them into the city for the other factions.”

He nods and heads off in that direction with a smile. I turn around and walk back through the orchard calling to the initiates. They'd been working hard and now it was time to bring these fruits into the city. I always enjoy working with the transfer initiates and this particular group is especially vibrant. They gather together at the crating station, teasing each other about their harvesting capabilities. We sort out the apples into even quantities and load the crates into the truck. The initiates jump into the truck and I slide into the passenger seat beside Christopher, our driver. As always, the truck bounces along the road to the gate, where the Dauntless guards hurry to pull open the door. There have been more of them posted lately and I make a mental note to ask Emily and Sam what they know about that later. We drive through and Chris stops the truck and gets out to talk to one of the guards. I move in my seat to watch him in the driver's side mirror and see that there is a group clad in black, clustered near the fence – Dauntless initiates. I recognize the older boy who must be their instructor as the Abnegation transfer that Eric hated so much. It is strange that I would remember a face I saw only once two years ago at the choosing ceremony, but all of my memories of him stand vividly in my mind. I search the faces, but he is not with them. I shouldn't be surprised, but my heart sinks anyway. I'm about to turn away when I hear the sound of the Abnegation transfers voice asking, “Beatrice?”

Robert jumps out of the car and approaches a small blonde girl standing among the Dauntless. He hugs her and she stiffens. My eyes shift to the others as they speak and I'm surprised by the angry and smug expressions on their faces. One of the larger girls teases the blonde and a twist of guilt coils in my stomach. This is why we couldn't be together. I hear Robert telling the girl – Tris, she'd said – that if she wanted to she could go back to Abnegation. She shakes her head in anger. We both know that she can't. She is defending her choice when Christopher gets back in the truck. Tris says that her goal life isn't just to be happy and Robert answers that her life would be easier if it was. But I agree with Tris. Not everything worth doing leads to happiness. The truck starts again and we drive into the city. I look in the rear view mirror one last time and see the instructor talking to Emily. He walks away and approaches Tris. At first I think he's going to reprimand her, but the movements are too gentle. Nobody else seems to notice. In the distance I hear the train approaching.

***

“Saw you talking to the Dauntless instructor the other day,” I say to Emily, sipping my coffee.

She leans against the fence and tilts her head. “Who? Four?” I nod and she grins. “Yeah. He's cute, but a little too serious! He works in the Dauntless control room so he was just checking in.”

I make a sound of agreement and stare into my mug. Four, huh? It's nice to have a name. “That reminds me. Why all of the extra guards lately?”

She thinks for a moment and then says, “I don't know. They always had a couple of us watch the gate and a few more patrolling the fence, but it seems like they're expecting something to happen or something.”

It should worry me that no one seems to know, but right now all I can think is that I'm glad that the new guards don't give the three of us any trouble. Of course, it helps that I bribe them by getting whatever objects or food that they want while they're working this shift. I sigh, a long drawn out exhale.

“Upset he didn't come with the initiates?” Sam arrives from her patrol and I fill another mug with coffee for her.

“I shouldn't be,” I say, “I mean it's not like he ever comes here.” I sigh again. “I just can't help it. Even though we parted on good terms... I just miss him.”

Emily gives me a reassuring smile and Sam shrugs. They'd coaxed the whole story out of me so, except for Eric's secret, they knew everything that had gone on between us. And even knowing, they didn't judge me. I couldn't ask for better friends.

“You wouldn't like him now anyway,” Sam says with a yawn. “He's mean, even by Dauntless standards. Makes me glad I spend a lot of time out here.”

I nod, but she doesn't understand. You don't know why he has to be like that. This time I sigh inwardly. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from defending him when I should be moving on instead. I'll never understand it.

Emily and Sam chatter back and forth but I've stopped listening. All it takes is a single thought to rip open the black hole in my chest. I wonder if anything will ever bring me true happiness again. I picture cold, rough brick and warm fingertips. 

No. Nothing will ever make me feel like that.

Never again.