Losing It All

Chapter One

The smell of ripe apples drifts through the orchard. I reach up and pull one of the red spheres free of its branch. The weight of it in my palms is familiar, a constant that has never changed throughout my life and never will. I place the fruit into my basket, which I then pass down to the initiate waiting at the bottom of my ladder. He takes it with a grin and carries it over to the crating station as I climb down. I walk past the rows of trees, my yellow skirt swirling around my legs in the breeze, heading toward the loading area where other Amity are loading crates of apples into a truck. They smile at me as I approach and I hug them all in greeting before jumping into the back of the truck with the other initiates. We'll be taking the fruit into the city, to be distributed to all the factions. The wheels of the truck bounce uncomfortably on the dirt road, but I smile as though it doesn't bother me. The morning light shines through the leaves in patterns of shadow and gold; beauty that cannot be found in the city. And for a moment I feel nothing but pride in my faction. But as we continue to drive, we leave the thriving plants behind and the trees around us become dead and bare. I shiver. I hate this part of the trip, always have. There is pain in the dead branches, in the destruction and the desolation. These trees cannot be saved. It is unbearably lonely and sad. The truck slows and I realize that we are now at the fence, negotiating with the Dauntless guards to open the gate. I hop out of the truck to stretch my legs before the long ride across the city. The fence looms in either direction and I wander closer to it instinctively. Loud voices sound nearby and I peer around me to locate them. A small group stands on the other side of the fence; an older man surrounded by a group of teenagers dressed in black. The Dauntless initiates. My heart swells, stops, pounds wildly in my chest. He is with them. A numbness spreads through me. A warmth takes over. I watch him as he stands, rigid and straight. He does not look at ease like some of the others, but he doesn't seem necessarily uncomfortable. It is almost as though he holds himself this way in order to look menacing. The idea makes my heart flutter.

The man who must be their instructor gestures adamantly as he speaks. The others seem to be taking his words very seriously, but Eric simply wears a bored expression. Either he already knows what they are being told, or he doesn't care. He is either very confident or very arrogant. Both. He walks away from the others, heading in my direction to inspect the fence. Soon he will be close enough that I can reach out and touch him. He doesn't notice me at first, so I stay quiet, watching how his forehead wrinkles when he frowns in concentration. He turns his head and I notice that the right side of his jaw is marred with the purple and green of healing bruises. My stomach flip flops and my heart is suddenly beating in my throat. He moves like he is going to walk away and I panic. I reach out and wrap my fingers around the chain link fence, calling to him. “H-Hello!” I stumble over my words and mentally berate myself. I can't even get a simple 'Hello' right? What is wrong with me?

He turns back and his eyes narrow. He is not startled by my appearance but seems irritated with himself for not noticing me. He walks over to where I stand, so that we are face to face, separated by several inches of air and a few thin millimetres of coiled wire. He seems to be waiting for me to say something but I've forgotten how to breathe. My head protests the lack of oxygen. He is so close that I might faint. “You,” he says suddenly, something like a flare of recognition in his eyes. “From the choosing ceremony.”

The world stops.

And then my mind whirls with a million thoughts, running in a fast unbroken line. He remembers me? How does he remember me? He didn't even look at me! But of course he noticed me. He was Erudite, right? They are trained to notice things. But he's not Erudite anymore! Oh my God! He remembers me! What do I do? What do I say? He must think I'm crazy! He thinks I'm crazy now, doesn't he? Don't just stand there you idiot, say something!

“Y-yes!” I manage to squeak a word in reply and my cheeks flash hot in embarrassment when he raises an eyebrow at me. My heart sinks.

“You were staring at me the whole time.” He speaks without any emotion, his eyes betray no feeling. He doesn't even blink. I feel dizzy.

“Yes...” I look down at my shoes and wait for a scolding.

“Why?”

My eyes widen and I raise my head again. Erudite curiosity, I think. I open my mouth to speak but can't force anything out. To my right a voice calls my name and I glance over to see that the other Amity are waiting for me. We are not Abnegation, so I will not be scolded for being selfish, but making them all wait is terribly unkind. They are doing me a favour by waiting. I look at Eric one more time, trying to memorize his face from the front rather than the side. I push away from the fence and it rattles loudly. “Ithinkyou'recute!” I say quickly and then run back to the truck.

In the interest of peace, my fellow Amity do not reprimand me, but they all give me questioning looks. “I'm sorry,” I say. “I've been terribly distracted and that's not fair to any of you.” They all hug me in acknowledgement. Nobody asks the question that burns on the tip of their tongues, though they have every right to, just as I have every right not to answer them. But most of them are transfers and they do not know this yet. We pile back into the truck and drive through the gate. I watch as Eric walks back to join his fellow initiates and stare at the black mass that they become until they disappear from view.