bear // phan - book one

chapter two

phil has never really had an easy time saying my name. so, ever since preschool, my name has been bear.

phil and i are on the floor, him still laying in my hug. this is normally how the night ends.

neither phil or i have ever had a girlfriend, the only person i have come out to is myself. i'm gay, phil doesn't know. i'm gay for phil, phil will never know.

"can i st-stay the night?" phil asked, interrupting my thoughts. 

"sure, lion." i smiled lightly, but suddenly realized what i had just called my best friend. he chuckled a little.

"bear, yo-you haven't called me t-that since we were ten." he turned his head to smile up at me.

my voice had dropped to a whisper, he was correct. "s-sorry,"

phil looked confused, like he didn't remember the last time i had called him 'lion'.

"why are you b-biting your lip?" phil asked, interrupting my thoughts once again.

"phil, the last time i had called you lion," i was whispering again, "you stormed out on me, and we didn't talk for 3 hours. i guess it just— kind of— slipped off my—"

i felt finger be pressed to my lips, and my cheeks felt hot. i traced the finger to the hand, and the hand to the arm. the arm of philip lester.

i recollected my thoughts. it was going pretty well until my eyes shifted to see a pair of beautiful cyan eyes looking up at me.

"stop stuttering, th-that's my thing."

after seeing my flustered face, phil slowly dragged his finger down my lips, allowing my bottom lip to pop back into place.  "your lip is b-bleeding, bear."

i cleared my throat as an attempt to bring myself back to reality. i slowly realized this is reality, and phil really did just run his finger down my lips. "lion, can we go to bed?" i whispered.

phil nodded his head, smiling a little at the old nickname that i had given him the day we had realized he couldn't say 'dan'. we climbed up into my bed, and phil cuddled into my chest.

i kissed his forehead, like i do every time we stay together. "i love you, phil."

"i love y-you too, bear." phil responded, after lightly kissing my cheek.

i couldn't help but feel pity for myself, knowing phil would never love me more than friends.

—

it sounded like someone had just been hit.

"stop stuttering, you filthy child! you're wasting space!" the yelling was coming from phil's parents room.

i ran out of phil's room, heading towards the yell. i wanted to stop it.

fortunately, martyn had beat me to it. martin had grabbed their step father by the neck, he was much shorter than martyn.

"don't you ever touch my little brother again, or it won't be such a friendly chat next time." martyn attempted to stay calm. gabe was drunk, martyn knew.

martyn grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the house.

soon after, my best friend walked back into his room.

"oh my god, lion." i pulled phil into a hug. "i will never—"

"stop calling me lion, d-d-d-bear!" phil yelled, after another attempt to say my actual name.

phil stormed out of the room, and i stood there heartbroken.

"bear!" phil yelled, slightly less pissed than he was a second ago.

"bear, wake up!" i opened my eyes to see my best friend shaking me awake.

"are you o-okay?" phil looked worried. "you w-were crying. did you have a-a bad dream?"

i thought about the dream. it seemed so real.

"yeah, lion. i'm okay now, though. thank you."

"okay, bear. go back to-to bed, i'll k-keep you safe." phil whispered, kissing my cheek again.

"i love you, thank you." i love him more than he knows.

"i l-love you too."

<<<

first grade

"bear! we get to c-craft today!" phil yelled. he was very loud when he wanted to be.

i tried to hide the tears that were running down my face. mummy yelled at me today for eating the last oreo cookie, it was supposed to be for my lunch.

i was hiding it pretty well, until my old friend, peej (i can't say his name, it's hard to), came to me and my lion.

"daniel, are you crying?" he laughed at me. chris did also.

i felt my lip pop out, daddy says when that happens, you're pouting.

i'm pouting.

"leave u-us alone, you s-stupid faces!" phil yelled from next to me.

peej and chris walked away, looking kind of offended, i think.

phil turned to me. "bear! why are you c-crying when you can craft?"

i told him the details of how this morning happened. he then opened his lunchbox, splitting his oreo cookie in half so i could have one too.

"phil, i'm still sad." i pouted some more while another tear fell.

phil picked up a tube of glitter and handed it to me. "bear! don't cry, craft!"