bear // phan - book one

chapter seven

phil
"your mum is addicted to drugs," he tells me, "your brother, martyn, committed suicide."

but, one thing i hope to never have to explain to my sweet boyfriend:

i know.

i know my mum is addicted.

i know my brother committed suicide while i was away, trying to pull my life together after promising to my boyfriend i'd be with him forever.

i never forgot.

i lied.

but i was sad. i was in the corner, watching him kiss her.

louise.

but the more the "kiss" replayed in my head, the more i realized it wasn't a kiss.

not on the lips, at least. he kissed her cheek as a thank you.

only a thank you.

i ran.

i ran away from my problems. i ran away from my boyfriend.

how could i?

what if he finds out?

should i tell him?

"phil?" he smiled at me. i tried to think of a valid answer. now isn't the time to tell him.

"how do you know my name?" i asked, feeling my heart shatter while his smile faded. i'm doing this to him.

"uh, i'm your boyfriend," bear responded.

"oh, for how long?" almost three years.

"two years and ten months." he quickly shifted his eyes away from mine while they began to well with tears.

i can't take it.

"bear," i softly grabbed his hand, while his eyes widened and his smile showed. "i'm sorry."

"w-what are you—" i cut him off with my own tears, as my brain scrambled to find the correct words to tell him everything i lied about. i don't know where to start. "phil?"

"i-uh." bears smile faded once again, leaving the remainder of my heart to fall. "i lied."

dan seems to know exactly what i meant. he rapidly shook his head, backing away from me. he pulled his hand out of my grip. "get out."

"bear—" i tried to reach for him.

"no, leave! get out!" he swatted my hand away as he cried.

when i said my heart couldn't break anymore,

i lied.

i lied again, and again.

it seems as though the lying became incessant.

i backed away slowly, feeling my eyes drip with salty tears. "i'm sorry."

i turned to leave the room, taking one last glance at my boyfriend.

he stood facing the wall, his right arm above his head and his left wiping his eyes.

i left the room, closing the door behind me.

soon, i heard dan push off the wall and slamming his bathroom door shut.

he shuffled through me medicine cabinet before he locked the door and slid down to the floor.