Make me smile Josh. Make it easier for me to say these words I have to tell you. Let me feel lighter about something that has been weighing me down for so long. Help me find the words to tell you;
I'm dying.
"Tyler you haven't said anything yet."
I looked up. My lips dry, my eyes watering. I have to tell him. I have to make him see the pain.
"Josh. I didn't shave my head for a new look." I slowly removed my red hat and held it loosely in my hands. "I had it shaved because... I'm dying."
His smile faded, eyes slowly filling with tears. I knew it. I shouldn't have told him. I should have kept it secret.
"You... You have... Cancer?"
I lifted my chin towards the ceiling and sighed with anxiety. I was trying to stop myself from crying. I had broken him. I had made him feel the pain I was.
"Josh I... I don't have long."
He shuffled in his seat and cleared his throat. The world around us seemed to fade. It was a dark feeling.
Like everything was black, and Josh was red.
I couldn't stay anymore but I couldn't leave him either. I was stuck in this spot and unable to move. My throat was tight and I could barely breathe, my skin was itchy with the feeling.
"I'm gonna go Tyler. I'm sorry." He rushed up and ran as fast as he could.
Shit.
He wasn't a slow runner to stay the least. He'd been working out, so a small spring wouldn't be much of a challenge. I can't help but stare, but I felt like shit the whole time he ran too.
I dragged my eyes away from him and leapt from the seat and ran after him. My energy was low due to the chemo, so I couldn't keep up. He turned corners so quickly I don't know where he went.
This is it. I've lost Josh.
I shouldn't have told him. I should have just died and not have given him a reason to tell me to be strong.
Or for him to feel the pain so early.
No. I'm glad I told him. He deserves to know. He deserves to be warned of what I have to go through.
But how the hell do I find him?
I took out my phone and called him... Exactly 21 times. He didn't answer. I was scared shitless. I can't find him, I can't console him, how would he be doing without someone to tell him I'm fine? To tell him to carry on?
Shit I need to find him.
