WARNING - THIS CHAPTER MAY BE TRIGGERING PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK - STAY STRONG FREN ❣
You can only go so far, being on your own. But when all you do is fade into black, you wonder how much longer you can stand the light. It seems neverending, like a strong storm that destroys everything in its path. But when you rethink your life and realise how hopeless it is, you begin to feel less precious, and more worthless. A crusty stone rather than a sparkly diamond, a thrift store more than a designer brand. It's what we always want in life, to be precious and craved, but when you are lost in a dark and bleak world it gets harder to bare something that eats you up inside all the time.
The lights above me passed like lightning, it was blinding and I could barely see. My chest was hurting like hell... But I could see Josh. I could see a red light hover over my face.
"Tyler, it's okay... Hold on..." My head rolled back and forth. Dizzy, so dizzy. Everything was bright and burning and I couldn't see.
"Push him there... Yes there, we need someone here quick!"
What was happening to me? Where was I? It smelled like antibiotics and... Lemon? Washing up liquid? Hospital?
Wait, déja vu?
Have I not already lived this moment yet?
I decided to play through with it....
"Hey Tyler, look at me, don't focus on the pain you're doing well, stay with me Tyler..."
This is exactly what happened the day I kissed Josh, what is happening?
"Tyler Joseph, I'm Doctor Morgan, we got a call from a worried citizen that..."
"No shush, where Josh?" I was impatient and wanted to know if this was as I dreamt it.
"Tyler, we've been through this with your family, and his own..."
I ran up our of the bed, despite feeling dizzy as shit, and ran as fast as I could which to be honest wasn't very fast.
"Tyler wait! Josh is..." I interrupted rudely, "Yes JOSH IS DEAD I KNOW!" the tears ran down my face again. I was going through this pain all over again. He really was gone. There was no replays, no trying again. It killed me completely, my heart, my lungs, everything hurt.
It took me a long time to get to that familiar gravel path. The same path I kissed Josh. The same path I heard his raspy voice sing in a sweet melody. I miss him all over again. I miss his touch, his kiss, his presence of all things. I won't do the funeral all over again, I can't bare it. I won't be in that pain again.
I'm coming to see you Josh.
My phone was vibrating in my pocket. I knew it was gonna be my mom, the hospital probably called her as soon as I ran out. I threw my phone out of my pocket and onto the floor, not checking the caller ID.
The remainants of HeavyDirtySoul still scattered the way I walked, rope, wire, small crates and tire marks. It was beautiful and innocent, now it's dirty and rotting.
I gathered the pieces I needed and carried them towards the forest ahead of me. The way ahead was short, but each step I took something felt wrong, different in some way. I couldn't tell what it was. Maybe I was just overthinking it. Maybe I'm just being reluctant towards what I do next. I shake my head violently, as if it's going to get rid of all of these thoughts I have. There is only one thing I want to do and I'm going to do it.
I started setting up my escape and I started thinking about Josh again. Shit I missed him. I craved his candy floss hair and the creases next to his eyes when he smiles. I'm in love with you Josh and I can't wait to see you again.
I was happy with how I was leaving. I was leaving the pain, I was getting rid of my heavy heart and going where Josh was, somewhere better and brighter and happier, so I began to sing as he did...
Turn away
If you could get me a drink,
Of water 'cause
My lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie...
I stepped slowly onto the stacked crates forming a small step for me to climb.
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favourite colours
My sister's and my brother still...
I clung onto the noose and slowly slipped my head inside. This was the end of it, there was no going back.
I will not kiss you
I closed my eyes tightly. I could hear Josh inside my head, it sounded so real. He sounded worried, really worried. I bet he was just missing me, but I missed him so much too and I needed to see him before I fall apart here.
Cause the hardest part of this...
I stepped one foot off of the crates and felt the wind push my body forwards. That's when I saw Josh running straight for me. His hair as red as ever, the candy floss hair.
"TYLER!"
I felt a tear run down my cheek and I smiled and laughed with relief. I forgot about the noose around my neck, and I jumped down.
I jumped into the noose.
"SHIT TYLER NO!" he was still running towards me, tears streaming down his face. I'd done it now. I'd officially killed myself on the outside.
I had to endure the pain, the long everlasting pain that Josh was trying to save me from. He ran up onto the crates and untied with rope with quick hands. I dropped down and he caught me in his arms as I was beginning to fade.
"I'm sorry Josh. I'm so so..."
He pushed his finger onto my lips to stop me talking and smiled slowly at me. The wind was strong and kept blowing his hair over his eyes. I reached up to swipe it away, feeling his damp cheeks. This was heartbreaking. My heart was slowing, I could feel it, time was slowing down. Josh took my hand in his and kissed it.
"I was too late Tyler I'm sorry, I could have saved you and I didn't."
I smiled faintly and laid my head back. Josh was calling an ambulance for me but I know they wouldn't get here in time. I'd choked myself, I had scarred my arms, but the red was craving.
"I love you Josh."
He pulled me closer to his chest and rocked me back and forth. This was to die for, but I guess I really had used that phrase too much and now it was coming true.
"I'll die of heartbreak without you Tyler, don't leave me here, stay with me." His voice cracked and his tears dropped onto my head. I couldn't speak, I could only move my lips and hope that something would leave them.
I looked up towards him and felt dizzy. This is it, this is where it ends. My life, my love and despairs, all faded at once. The black was coming back again. It enveloped my sight and thoughts all over again and I was feeling numb.
Black.
Black wood, black leaves. Everything was black. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel.
It was all black.
Red.
Red blood, red eyes. I can't see, I can't feel.
I'm all red.
