TO LOSE A PURE SOUL

chapter 9

As I sat there watching time pass by the students started filling into the class and taking their seats. Everyone was still chattering and finally the bell rang for the next period.

Everyone stood up and greeted as the teacher walked in. Time passed by pretty fast, I wasn't even listening to what she was talking about. Finally I came into my senses when everyone got up from their seats and started packing their bags. I was so drowned in my own thoughts that I didn't even hear the bell ring or feel the time pass.

I got up too and packed my bag looking down so that I don't have to meet anyone's eye and see the sympathy or the insults written on their faces. The class was emptying again and I knew I had to leave too but a thought crossed my mind.

What should I say when my mom asks me how my first day of school was?
Should I tell her the truth and make her worry about me and watch her get upset? Or should I lie to her and tell her that it was great! And make her feel better? I was feeling so confused. That was the only thing I thought about as I walked the hallways of the school.

What should I do??? I was now downstairs and in the far distance I can spot the school gate, I kept on walking. The sun was shining and the weather seemed warm and comforting. As I walked I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face. Other kids were running and some were in the playground of the school which was right in front. I kept walking as the silent breeze blew across my face. As I got closer to the school gate I could see other parents waiting for their kids and as I looked to the side I could see my mom waiting for me with a smile on her face.

When I saw the way she was smiling I felt like running towards her crying and hugging her because I knew if I did she would comfort me like she always did and most of all she would accept me even with my flaws.

But I did not. As I saw the smile on her face I could clearly see that she was hiding something...she was hiding her pain and sadness from me. Behind her smile she looked tired and weak and she was hiding it all from me and then i came into thought that she's doing that because of me. Because she wants to give me a happy childhood even though she's not happy herself and that's one thing I feared the most.

Since the day daddy died I remember hearing her soft cries from the next room. She never showed me her pain and sadness. She would silently cry and I remembered how I used to sit on the floor of my room with my back against the door doing nothing, just thinking to myself that one day when I'm grown up I will never let her feel any kind of sadness or pain and that I would somehow graduate and that would make her happy. And then she would come out of her room with red and puffy eyes which clearly shows that she's been crying and I also remember how she had bandages wrapped on her wrists. Back then I did not know why she always had them on but now I guess I know. She would just smile and act like she's fine even after she's been cutting her wrists out of depression. 

That's exactly what she's doing now. She's hiding from me. Because of me. She's doing it for me!

That's when I changed my mind. I'm not going to tell her about how bad my day was. She has better things to worry about than how my first day of school went. I felt sorry for my mom. I felt so sorry for the fact that I was born and she has to earn to feed me. I'm only another addition to her worries...I just wish I wasn't.

I'm now few feet away from her and she's still brightly smiling at me. I put on a fake smile aswell and I give her a hug. Then she asks me the question I have been worrying about for some time.
"How was your first day of school?"

A/N first starting off with an apology...Sorry guys I couldn't update for almost a month now kinda lost interest in writing it but hey I'm back on track. So how was this chapter? What do you'll think?
Please don't be a silent reader vote and leave your comments (criticism is fine as well) cuz that's what motivates me to update.