Project Revenge

Chapter Five

Pull me under
and never let me go;
I would swim in all your rivers,
If I thought they'd take me home.

- James Mcinerney

(Unedited)

{Clarys POV}

I shuffle around at the bottom of the lightwoods steps for a while looking ridiculous I'm sure, I was psyching myself up. Looking for the courage to knock on the door.

I had spent so long pretending to be angry at Jace that when it came to it I really had no idea how I was going to be honest with him, it scared the shit out of me.

Finally I climb the few steps and knock, twice. I return to my previous position and wait, the longer I stand there the more running away appeals to me. I try to convince myself nobody is in, even when I hear the lock at the top of the door being slid to the side.

"Clary?" He looks surprised to see me here and steps out onto the front step, his feet bare,  closing the door behind him.

"I'm glad you're here actually I wanted to talk to you about something." I can't read his expression at all, like he's closed off to me somehow.

"Great," I tell him, my hands fiddling behind my back "because I want to talk to you about something too."

"Look Jace we really need to talk about what's happening between us." I get it out there before he can go first
"It's so messed up, it's been eating me alive since it happened." I admit

He just stands there staring at me so I continue, sucking in as much air as I can muster as if that will make me braver

"You're all I think about. Night and day even when I say I hate you I hate myself because I'm lying. I could never hate you, why can't I hate you?"  I shouldn't have allowed myself to get this upset in front of him

He shakes his head at my question like he has no idea why I can't hate him. That makes two of us.

"I think I'm in-"

"Don't say it." He nearly yells even though he's right in front of me and it nearly knocks me off my feet

"W-what?" He looks utterly hopeless in this moment, too big for his clothes, too small for his house for this world.
The boy who has a reputation for not having a care in the world looks so incredibly broken.

"I don't deserve it, especially not now." As if on cue, before I can even ask what he means, a small skinny blonde girl comes out wearing only a shirt that's much too big for her

"Jace?" She eyes me up and down
"Who's this?"

Jace doesn't even answer her, he looks absolutely deflated and I realise I can't breathe, my throat is so tight I can't get any air to my already neglected lungs and I'm certain for a few seconds I'm having a heart attack until I remember I've felt this before, a duller version of it.

Heartbreak.

For those who have not yet experienced it you are very lucky. There is no cure other than time. It doesn't just hit you at 3am when you're lying in the dark unable to sleep, it can hit you as easily and as unnoticed as the morning sun until you're sitting at 2pm in a coffee shop with tears in your eyes because something, somewhere reminded you of them. Your own memories haunt you and you pray to god that they would stop, yet you never pray they would go away.

I've turned away from his door without another word.
I can't even cry. I just feel like I'm being punched punched punched in the chest.

He calls my name but i keep walking like I can't hear him. There's a ringing in my ears that won't stop and dying words on my tongue yet still I can't cry, even as I step into the street but it's okay, my own broken heart weeps for me.