Paper Trails 2 | Draft

16.

"It's the maybes that will kill you."

*****

Raven was upset, and she had every right to be. She told me herself, if she wanted to speak with her sister she could. Was that because it was Niccolò who could have put them in contact? Or did she have a way to speak with her, herself? If it's not the latter, then I suppose Raven would have to depend on Nic to find out where her sister is.

So if he knew she was here, in New York, why wouldn't he tell her?

But maybe that was a stupid question. Why did Niccolò do anything? Did he even have a reason for withholding information anymore, or does he do it because he wants to? Because he feels he has the right?

And then I realize that's the issue. I frown, my fingers fiddling with a loose thread on my sweatpants. He feels he has every right to do whatever he wants. If he doesn't want to tell Raven her sister is in the city in which she resided, he won't. And he'll feel it's justifiable, simple because it's him. Just as he didn't feel the need to tell Tyler I was alive. It wasn't because he couldn't. Shit, it's probably not even because he didn't want to. It's because he didn't care enough to.

The information he holds—even if it regards everyone else—is his alone. And he holds onto it until it's too late. Until it blows up his face.

Why hadn't he learned that by now?

I heard banging in the kitchen, but ignored it. It was Raven, doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do to get her anger and stress out.

Niccolò was, above anything else, a selfish man.

A manipulative man.

So he could look me in the eyes and tell me that he cares for me, but there's always another end. There's always something I don't know. There's always something blocking us, and it's not my hesitance, but his ego. His pride. Him. He was the obstacle, he was always the obstacle.

And I knew that. I always knew that.

There is not a person he'd put before himself.

My eyes flew to the phone beside me as it lit up. He was calling again. I don't know how many times he's called already, but it was a lot. I knew he'd grow impatient and stop by soon. I'd figure something out then, but for now, I ignored him. I didn't want to speak to him. I didn't want to deal with him.

I knew Raven felt the same.

But there was a nagging in the back of my head; a little voice I couldn't ignore completely.

Maybe you're wrong.

Maybe he isn't all selfish.

Maybe he does care, and he just doesn't know how to show it.

But did any of that matter? If he only shows the sides of him we're meant to fear or hate, what was any of us expected to do but just that? Fear him. Hate him.

He does it to himself.

We can't be blamed.

Two more texts come from him. I don't look at them. What was the point? More lies? More bullshit? More ways for him to blame me? I wouldn't let him.