River Song: Hello Sweetie

Don't Panic, It's Only A Bomb

Don't Panic, It's Only A Bomb

The Doctor is handcuffed, imprisoned, he's lost his sonic, and it's completely Rivers fault.

It all started when he had picked her up from Stormcage and let her drive. That was his first mistake. She took them to the planet Gafory for a ball. That was alright, the Doctor always loves a good dance, but then River flirted with the Monarch, refused to marry him, and then stole his scepter! Suffice to say, the Monarch was not pleased, and his guards could run very fast.

So here he is, the Doctor, all tied up and a bit cross. River is behind him, facing the bars, and entirely too cheerful for his liking. "This is all your fault River." "Oh, cheer up Sweetie. I was going to handcuff you later anyways." The Doctor choked and started coughing. She laughed and leaned against him. "River! Now is not a good time for flirting!" "Sweetie, it is always a good time for flirting." She wiggled against him and he subconsciously moved closer to her. "You just had to steal and flirt, didn't you?" He moans. She laughs. "Those are my best qualities! And I was actually stealing that scepter for my pardon. Apparently it's a sort of weapon, and the Church didn't want Monarch Kranero to have that kind of advanced technology." "You still didn't have to flirt with him! He wasn't even that attractive!" "Sweetie, are you jealous?" "Of him?" He scoffs. "Hardly." River smiles to herself, but says nothing. A guard walk by and River calls out to him. "Hello there gorgeous." She says, her voice completely dripping with flirty charm, and the Doctor inwardly groans. The guard smiles and comes closer to the cell. "Flattery won't get you anywhere, River. It's not going to work." The Doctor hisses. River ignores him and continues to speak. "I must say, if I knew someone as good looking as you was a guard, well, I would have stolen something ages ago." River says, and the Doctor is grateful he's sitting down. She's not even speaking to him, but her voice is so seductive his knees are going weak anyways. She winks at the guard, and the Doctor knows the poor man is done for. He never even had a chance. River has somehow managed to untie herself and she pulls the guard's face through the bars of the cell. She kisses him, and after a moment, the guard passes out. She lets him go and he falls unceremoniously to the ground. She pulls the key chain off his belt and turns back to the Doctor. She smirks. "Oh Sweetie, flattery will get you everywhere." He harrumphs as she unties his hands. "What, no hallucinogenic lipstick this time?" He says sulkily. "I ran out of it, you should take me shopping soon. Although, this knock out lipstick is starting to grow on me." The Doctor waves a disapproving finger at her. "You can't just go around drugging people, River!" "Watch me." She says cheekily and he laughs. She unlocks the door and he grabs her hand as they walk out of the cell together. "So, are you ready to head back to the Tardis?" He asks. "I still have to get that scepter, and you need to find your sonic." He grins at her and kisses her hand. "Well then, we need to get going! Come along Song, let's get into trouble!"

-----

It had been a lovely day in Washington D.C. The sun had been out, the wind had been sending a light breeze through the trees, and the birds had been singing. Then the Doctor came.

"All right Ponds! Let's go!" He cries as he steps out of the Tardis. Amy and Rory walk out behind him and squint as the sun hits their eyes. "Doctor? This isn't the planet of multicolored waters. Why are we here?" Amy asks. The Doctor is already forging ahead and Amy hurries to catch up, dragging Rory along all the while. "Why not? By the way, we are in 2654, so try not to look so..." He gestures to their clothes, then waves his hand as if to dismiss that thought. "Never mind. If anyone asks though, just say you're really into vintage." Amy rolls her eyes. "Like you're one to talk, you raggedy man. But really, why here?" The Doctor ignores the question and heads into a coffee shop. Amy and Rory both heave a sigh and follow after him. When they open the door, they see the Doctor sitting in a booth with River and consulting diaries with her. "River!" Amy squeals, and hugs her before River even has a chance to stand up. River opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by an explosion. The Doctor bops River on the nose. "What have you done, you bad, bad girl?" He says, exasperated, amused, and flirty all at once. "Really Sweetie, a simple little explosion, and you immediately assume it's my fault?" They all turn to give her a look, and she smiles mischievously. "All right, fine. I may or may not have stolen an artifact for the museum." "You work at a museum?" Rory asks. Amy hits him on the shoulder. "Really? There are explosions, your daughter just stole something, and you're interested that she works at a museum?" "What? It's a good question!" Rory defends, rubbing his shoulder as they all leave the coffee shop. "Hold on." The Doctor stops and walks right in front of River's path. Rory tries to ignore that the Doctor is very much in River's personal space. "River. Why would there be an explosion? If it's the government, they wouldn't blow stuff up just because something's missing." River smiles wickedly. "Who said anything about something missing... Yet? That was my distraction." She checks her watch. "We have an hour." And with that, she disappears into the screaming crowd. "Are we following after her?" Amy asks the Doctor. "No. But I know where she's going." He grabs Amy's hand and Amy grabs Rory, and they run to the Tardis.

"Are we going to get there in time?" Amy asks the Doctor. He's frantically pulling levers, and the room is shaking. Rory wishes River were here to turn on the stabilizers. "Of course! Sexy won't steer me wrong." The Doctor says as he pats the console. The room jerks again and they all grab onto the railing; there's a thud and the familiar whooshing sound. "Aha! We've landed!" The Doctor cries. He checks the monitor and puffs his chest out with pride. "And we are perfectly on time! Told you I could do it." He says smugly, and Amy and Rory both roll their eyes. They run out of the Tardis and find themselves in an empty museum. "Hang on." Rory says. "She's stealing something from a museum... To give to a museum?" "Irony abounds." Says River's disembodied voice. The Doctor waves his sonic and walks towards the direction of her voice. Amy and Rory follow after him, and they walk through multiple halls and doors before they finally find her. She's kneeling behind a display case and picking the lock. "River! You can't steal the Hope Diamond!" The Doctor exclaims. "I've read the history and future of this diamond. Apparently I can, and I have, without getting caught, I might add!" "What about that explosion? You might have hurt people!" He says, flailing his arms as he talks. "Hardly. I blew up that silly statue of Justin Bieber. And it was a tiny explosion, so unless someone was sitting in Justin's lap, I'd say we're good. Besides, I read up on this heist. No casualties. Just a few frazzled museum guards and a decapitated Bieber. Don't ask me why Justin has a statue here, people from 2654 are a bit odd." The Doctor opens and closes his mouth, and River smirks in victory. "Why's the museum closed?" Rory asks, half in curiosity, and half to just fill the silence. "Renovations. And yes, I turned off the cameras. Really, you all act as if I don't plan ahead." River huffs, and the display case pops open. River reaches for the diamond. "Wait-" The Doctor calls out, but it's too late. A red light starts blinking and a quiet beeping informs them that the case was, in fact, booby trapped. "Don't panic." Rory says nonchalantly. "But I think that's a bomb."

"Bet you didn't see this in the archives, did you?" The Doctor said pompously. "They failed to mention it." River says dryly. She waves her scanner and sighs in relief. "It's not a bomb... Well, not really a bomb. When the timer goes off, the diamond will send electrical charges through a ten-yard radius. Oh, that's clever! How did they do that?" "River! Disarm the diamond first, figure it out later!" Amy exclaims. "Doctor, would you care to be a self-righteous pomp some more, or would you care to help me?" River asks sarcastically. The Doctor huffs, but plops down next to her and waves his sonic. A panel falls open and River gets to work on the intertwined wires. As she pulls apart the wires, the beeping and blinking stop and they all sigh with relief. The Doctor shakes a reproving finger at her. "This is not over, River. When we get done with this, you and I are going to have a discussion." "I'm looking forward to it." River says flirtatiously. The Doctor blushes, looks at Rory, blushes some more, and looks back to the task at hand. "River! That's not what I meant!" He squawks. She just chuckles and puts a couple of unplugged wires in her teeth. The Doctor is trying and failing not to look at her mouth, Rory is trying not to get upset, and Amy is bursting with amusement at the whole situation. River puts back the wires and claps her hands lightly. "There. Everything's back to the way it was. It's going to look like the diamond simply disappeared into thin air." She chuckles. "I'd imagine they'll be scratching their heads over this for years." The Doctor stands up and holds a hand out for her. She grabs it, hauls herself up, and pulls him into a kiss. He squeaks, but kisses her back with equal fervor. "Oi! Parents still here! Parents very much still here!" Rory squawks. The Doctor comes to his senses quickly and pulls away from River hurriedly. River grumbles in protest, but lets him go. They hear shouts outside and people start to run inside. "Time's up." River says. The Doctor smiles. "Well, what are we waiting for?" He cries happily, adrenaline flowing. "Run!"