River Song: Hello Sweetie

I Could Just Slap You Sometimes

I Could Just Slap You Sometimes

"I'm sorry." He says out loud, even though he's the only one there. "I'm sorry." He says again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He says it over and over and over again as if it's some manic mantra. His voice gets louder and louder until he's practically shouting. He punches and kicks the wall nearest to him until he has worn himself out. He slides down until he is sitting on the ground, his back leaning against the abused wall. He mutters grudgingly about not even making a dent. And he hasn't. The wall is fine, except for a few smudges where his shoes had scuffed. There are far more than a few smudges on his hearts. His eyes are wet and his hands run up and down his face. He's so tired. He's been running for ages and ages, it's what he does best, but he's tired. There are so many places he's gone and so many places he's yet to see, but he can't seem to go where he desperately wants to. He's a Time Lord with a Tardis. He laughs bitterly at that thought. Some Time Lord, he thinks. He has all of time and space as his playground, but the time he wants constantly eludes him. He's tired of being late, of letting everyone down, of letting everyone go. The mad man in his blue box... He agrees completely with the mad part. He always does the same thing over and over again, letting people in and loving them fiercely, and he always expects new results. But it never happens. One way or another, everyone leaves him. And it's happening again. She's leaving him. Oh, of course not intentionally, but inevitably. She's going to leave him. And it hurts. But this time it's different, SHE is different. And the way she's leaving is different. It's cruel. It's perhaps the one of the cruelest things he's ever had to endure. And he's had to endure quite a lot. But to see the one you love slowly forget you the more you know them? And realize that they had to endure this too? And then realize you've already passed when they knew you more, and now you realize how much pain you caused them? It's torture. Pure and utter torture. And he doesn't know how much more he can cope with.

He realizes now how strong she had been, how strong she was, how strong she IS. He hadn't realized then how much pain he had caused her, but he does now. And it's killing him. It is precisely his fault too. If he hadn't been so stubborn, so Selfish, she wouldn't have to endure this. If only he had saved her, if only he hadn't even met her, she could have had a happy life. If Only. But she had told him, the first time he had met her, she had told him no. Don't change time. Not one line. Don't you dare.

So he hadn't. The selfish being he was. He didn't even know her yet, but he couldn't let her go. He couldn't let go of her being in his future. And when he met her again... Wow. Just wow.

She was amazing. Stunning, clever, witty, mysterious, flirty, a bit annoying, and brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. He had been perplexed by her. Jumping off buildings and spaceships, always expecting him to catch her, and then twirling around the Tardis, HIS Tardis as if she owned the place. And he loved every bit of it. In the beginning, he had tried not to, but he couldn't help it. She was intoxicating. Weaving her way into his hearts with her big, curly hair and lipstick and spoilers. Ooh, her spoilers. Enough to drive him mad if he hadn't been already. He had always been so desperate to know who she was back then. And when he had finally found out... It was just wow all over again. She was like him. She was LIKE him! Not quite Time Lord, but Human Plus. Conceived in the Time Vortex, born of time, Tardis, and desperate wishes. She was a miracle. A once Ever experience, never to happen again and never be replicated. She was a dream come true.

And almost instantaneously, that dream turned into a nightmare. Because of him. It was because of him she was taken by his enemies, raised in cruelty and fear, and turned into a weapon against him. Because of him, his best friends' beautiful baby girl was torn away from them, and then their whole wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey relationship was settled. And he's selfish for not changing that. But he can't, because it's Her. And he's so selfishly grateful for her that he just can't change anything. He won't. Not one line.