Pondering

Healing

I took kitchen shears to my hair

and cut until I didn't recognize the girl in the mirror as myself,

because that's what I wanted.

I didn't want to be her anymore.

So I refused.

I refuse to be the girl who:

feels completely alone;

can't breath nor sleep because her thoughts are too overcoming;

can't stay asleep because dreams haunt her unconcious mind,

as they do her conscious mind;

feels too much and too little all at once;

yearns for an escape;

can't get out of bed because the world is too much;

and can't survive on her own.

So I shed my appearance and my personality too.

Happiness was a foriegn concept and I was unsure where to look.

Days pass that make me question if I am any better than before,

the difference is I want to be.

Today you asked if I was happy

and I don't have an answer for you yet

because I laugh with my friends and smile when my favorite song plays;

but when it's 3 in the morning and sleep evades me

I ask myself that same question.

The thoughts still rush in faster than I can manage to tame them.

I still am silent more than I should be.

But I am better 

and that may mean I'm still broken 

but I am healing.