Pondering

The Door

I was watching you destroy yourself slowly

and begging and pleading with you to stop

and you asked me why.

Why?

I couldn't answer because how could I lecture you, when I was doing the same to myself? The answer was I couldn't.

I could so clearly see the appeal.

It wrecked me, but that didn't and doesn't matter.

What matters is that it was and is hurting you.

As I sat there crying,

attempting to fight the battle for you,

it hit me that I can't do this for you.

I gave and gave and will keep giving,

but you were too enveloped in your own pain to notice that I've felt that pain

or that witnessing yours is a million times worse than my own.

I am only aware of the troubles you share with me

and that's mortifying because it's already so much and so heavy.

Every time you fall apart my heart grows heavier and heavier,

I'm too lost in trying to save you to worry about myself.

I don't blame you for not fighting for me,

but please don't take yourself away from me because you're all I have.

Each time you express the sadness you're drowning in,

I become more and more suffocated

yet the only thing worse than drowning with you is not drowning with you.

I clung to these thoughts but we fell apart anyways and stopped speaking

and it tore me apart, yet you appeared unaffected.

As much as I desired to have you break the water's surface and take your first breath in months, the likelihood of that was miniscule.

So small in fact, that I couldn't imagine it. The idea of you drowning on your own made me physically ill

and this wasn't the type of sickness that went away after a week or that there was medicine for.

In vain I hoped you missed me

and secretly(even to myself) I wished not having me made it worse.

I tried to forget and I eventually managed to distance myself from it, but you were always there.

So one day when I was able to laugh again and was mostly mended, somewhat miraculously

you showed up again.

And I pushed and shoved and slammed and locked the door in your face. Because I knew if I allowed you any nearer I would invite you in and I knew what would happen next

because it had happened before.

Yet there was nothing I wanted more in the world than for you to come back again.

Somehow without my mind's consent I began approaching the door

and then I was turning the key

and you came in

and you hugged me

and I lost the feigned control I had over the situation.

I could see you breathing and continue to be entranced by your inhaling and exhaling because I could never do that for you.

I see the people who were there when you sent me away and I don't know what to do anymore because I hate that it wasn't me who saved you.

I'm glad for the genuine smiles you have now, but everything is new now.

I don't know how to be happy around you and I hate that.

We're teetering on a tight rope and I wonder if you'd catch me if I fall,  as I tried to you.

As of now I'm chosing to think you would because things are different now and I'd like to think they are right.