My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."
18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.
"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of
Chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how??)
On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought...??)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head
colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for
this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly".
