it's you.

{02}

thoughts 2/13/17-
tomorrow is valentine's day.
the day people fall in love. couples bring each other to expensive restaurants in fancy dresses or suits, eating strange food and having flirty conversations. other couples are in their sweaters and sweatpants watching disney movies and cuddling together, staring into each other's loving, beautiful eyes.
but me? i'm in my bedroom worrying about the stacks of homework that is due the next morning. no makeup, my hair in a awful messy bun and an oversized sweatshirt, and as usual, thinking about you.
i check my phone about a hundred times within 5 minutes, waiting for you to text me, telling me how much you love me, how you want to be with me so bad.
but i saw how you looked at one of my best friends today. you used to look at me like that. maybe you did like me at one point. oh fuck. what if i waited too long? what if i was waiting for the perfect chance, but it was right in front of me the entire time and i screwed up. now you're on to someone else and i don't know what to do.
should i move on too?
i'll admit, i've liked some guys before. i've liked some girls before. but you're one of the first people that i can't easily let go of. why can't i let go?
i should text you. tell you how i feel. if it ruins our friendship, fine. i can't keep sitting here thinking about you, being confused on how you feel about me. but i'm not going to do that.
valentine's day was always a depressing holiday. i never heard about fancy dinner dates, or movie nights. i heard tears from my mother in the middle of the night, wondering why she wasn't good enough.
but this year is different. i'll be thinking about you the entire time, trying to find the courage to tell you i love you, regardless of the outcome. i'll hate myself for not being able to do it. i'll calm down, and the cycle starts all over again. finally, you'll send me your streaks before you go to sleep, and i'll loose my chance. and i'll hate myself for it.
how did you manage to tell the previous people you liked how you feel about them? you might have gotten rejected, but you kept going. you moved on.
why do i care so much? i end up caring about people that can care less if i killed myself or something.
but maybe you do care. maybe you don't want to open up your feelings because you're as scared of rejection as i am.
no. that's not how it works. that wouldn't happen to me. especially me.
i hope you are doing well though. we haven't talked too much lately. you look stressed, maybe that's just me being overly worried and obsessed with you.
take care. please.
i love you.