it's you.

{06}

thoughts 2/17/17-
you can't even acknowledge my existence anymore. i tried giving you that awkward half-smile thing we usually give each other, and you panicked and looked the other way.
you couldn't even be near me. that's how weird things are. i had to move to another corner of the room and find another friend group to talk to until you were done.
you're already talking to her again like nothing even happened. one of our friends told me it was just you "breaking the ice," but i don't believe that.
you were pacing. you seemed stressed. what was wrong? was it because i was there?
if i wasn't forced to go, i wouldn't have.
"you need to get out more," my mom said, "support your school."
one of our friends wants to talk to you about it. about the whole situation that caused you to hate me. and then she will ask you about me. truth is, i don't want to hear about it.
you hate me now.
it's pretty obvious.
-
i never wanted to fall in love.
everything i've seen that is so-called "love" has been awful.
i didn't want to go through the same mess i have watched my mother go through. so i figured if you don't have feelings, you won't get hurt.
that means all feelings.
having a feeling of apathy for the majority of my life.
yeah. i've liked people. a lot.
but never the way i love you.
i didn't fall in love with you.
i tripped over a string, causing me to hang off a cliff as i slip into a river and drown down to the bottom of the sea.
-
i wish i would've been able to comfort you without telling you how i feel. things would be normal right now.
i wouldn't dread to see you, i'd be excited to see you.
you would give me the happy feeling in my stomach, not the sick feeling.
why did i do that to you?
how can i be so stupid?
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i've ruined everything we've ever had.
i'm sorry i can't even speak to you because i don't know what to say to you after i've told you that i love you.
i'm sorry i make everything awkward.
i'm sorry that i ruined our friendship after you told me we can still be friends.
i'm sorry.
i'm just a big, fat mess up.