it's you.

{05}

thoughts 2/16/17-
i knew it. i knew i would ruin everything. why didn't i listen to myself?
i believe everything else i tell myself but about that, i didn't listen.
why couldn't i just listen?
once again, another day of quick glances, no talking, and awkward silence when ever we are near each other.
maybe if i stopped overthinking and if i stopped being so stubborn, maybe we can actually have a normal conversation again.
but how can things be normal again? after i told you that i love you. well, i didn't exactly say that. but i said enough for you to understand what i was trying to say.
i was just trying to make you feel better. make you feel like someone cares about you again. but i just made things awkward. i lost one of the people i care about the most because i was concerned about your feelings and hated seeing you hurt.
are you hurting too?
probably not.
but none of it is your fault. it's my fault. it's always my fault. i always screw something up. it's okay. you're fine just the way you are.
i feel sick when you're around me. knowing that you hate every ounce in my body right now and it hurts like hell. i've been eating less. i've been sleeping less and less. i'm starting to have my breakdowns again.
and it's all my fault.
what can i do to fix things?
i'm so selfish. i told you how i felt, thinking i was a good friend, but i just ruined a friendship.
i hate myself.