it's you.

{03}

thoughts 2/14/17-
i hate valentine's day.
i was right. you liked my best friend. at the end of class when you told me you were going to give her a pink carnation.
i'm glad i didn't tell you how i felt yesterday. i was so tempted to. i still am. but now i know we don't share the same feelings.
i waited too long. i should've told you sooner. i should have told you in september when i finally figured out why i care about you so much.
but i can't help but be happy for you. you get rejected over and over again and you still have the confidence to tell her you like her.
i hope she doesn't reject you. you deserve her. you deserve to be happy.
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i sat with you at lunch, you were nervous about giving her the flower. me and one of our friends were encouraging you, telling you everything was going to be fine.
i don't know how she turned you down, but i saw you walk into 6th period and you looked like a lost toddler in a store. our friend and i were texting, although i figured out myself exactly what had went on.
she had hurt you. and you were broken.
i want to text you, more than ever. i want to spill everything. how much i love you, how i'm sorry for saying all of this now. it's probably the worst times to say it.
i know you don't like me back. i know our friendship will be ruined more than it is because you think i took her side. but i want you to know i care and i love you more than anything.
i know you don't want me. i know we won't go anywhere past the friend zone. but because one of my best friends decided to be a bitch and hurt you so bad, i know you feel useless and i want you to try to feel better.
i've been debating whether or not to tell you since noon. my confidence started to grow, but quickly plummeted down.
i almost threw up in english today because of how upset you looked and how angry i was.
she's telling people about it. people are laughing. they don't know what you've been through. they don't know how much balls and courage it took you to give that light pink carnation to her.
i truly hate valentine's day.
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i have the paragraph planned out and everything. i'm stressing out. i'm about to ruin everything. i shouldn't do this. but i can't stand to see you hurt anymore.
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i have your name opened in snapchat and everything. i'm getting ready to send it. ruin everything. will i be okay? probably not. my hands are shaking and i'm barely able to type this. i'm scared.
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i sent it. oh fuck i sent it. oh no. what am i going to do. no, i can't open it. i won't open it until tomorrow morning. i need to calm down. i've never had to do this before. oh no.
i really REALLY hate valentine's day.