it's you.

{07}

thoughts 2/18/17-
so i've been going on and off whether to send this to you. oh my God i sound so stupid. holy hell. okay. so i'm not saying any of this just because i feel bad. of course i feel bad, but i mean every word i say in this. people are awful. girls specifically.and i'm sorry you have had to deal with this multiple times. you don't deserve any of it. and this is the worst time to say this. awesome. i'm so smart. i know that i'm ruining any friendship thing we have had before this bs started. and i know you don't feel the way i do. obviously. i've known that for the four months i've felt this way. and for some reason i was okay with it. as long as i saw you happy i don't really care what happens. i still feel that way writing this. well, you already know what i'm going to say. and again, i'm not saying this to be all whatever. i just know how it feels at these times and i know you probably feel worthless and stupid. i'm doing this because i just want you to know that there are people that care and have feelings for you and yeah. i'm not her and i'm sorry that you have to deal with this but just know that someone cares about you and i need to stop repeating myself. i really didn't need to write this big paragraph but i'm really bad at getting to the point. once again, i sound extremely stupid, but when do i not? okay i hope you have a better day/ week thing whatever and yeah. thanks if you actually read this even though for you it was pointless, but yeah. okay i should go now. again i'm sorry i probably made your day shittier than it already is. but yeah.
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that's what i sent you on tuesday. our friends thought it was cute.
i guess i was the only was that saw this coming.
this mess that we are in right now.
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thanks. that actually made me feel a little better. and no, this will not ruin the friendship thing we have right now.
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that's what you replied back.
i believed you. it made me feel like i was doing something to help for once.
and then i screwed up.
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as i'm starting to think about this more and more, i've realized that if i didn't completely ignore him wednesday morning, we might still be talking to each other.
maybe i'd hate myself a little less for telling you that i love you.
maybe i would start sleeping better.
the thought of eating wouldn't make me want to puke.
i'd be excited to see you again.
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we go back to school on tuesday.
the day after President's Day.
that marks a week after i texted you.
a week after i've ruined everything.
maybe if i just came in and act like nothing has happened between us.
we'd be laughing at each other's awful jokes again.
telling stories about us embarrassing ourselves.
just being friends.
friends.
that's such a weird word when it comes to this.
but i'm going to try to fix things.
i ruined everything, i should fix it.
i want everything to be okay again.
i'm tired of not being able to truthfully say everything is fine.
i need everything to be fine.