A Collection of Troubling Thoughts

3

TW:Mentions of self-harm and suicide. Also self hate, I'm still not sure if that's a tw but whatever.
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I want to slit my wrist like a hot knife on butter, and not stop until I'm satisfied. But I will not because 1) the word satisfied makes a Hamilton song play in my head on repeat for hours on end and 2) because my dearest friends and my love tell me they would be devastated. I highly doubt they will be devastated. I think that they would go to my funeral, cry, then forget about me in a month or so. They tell me they love me. That they would be mortified if anything happened to me. Who in their right mind would give shit about me. Of all people why would someone choose to care about me. I'm a mess. So much of a mess in fact I can write a book called "A Collection of Troubling Thoughts". I'm too much work, even if they do care about me they shouldn't. All I do is make their life shitty. I should end mine.