Silence

Way Back Home

We were all silent on the way back home. He had not spoken to me since that night, and I had avoided him like the plague. It had been 1 day, 6 hours, 7 minutes and 8 seconds since the time when he was supposed to finally take me. Everything was going well, Karim was out "scouting" the moon on its brightest, the forest was silent and the air was warm.

I didn't know why he suddenly stopped. Then he pushed himself away and went out of the room like nothing so scandalous happened. While he was out I was still laying down as I try to block the tears that were begging to fall. I shouldn't cry over a man like him, it would be against everything I had believed in.

Then I stared at the wooden ceiling above me. Then I wondered if I wasn't good enough, was I only just an employee, a burden to his plans, a distraction. Then I thought of how pathetic I turned out to be. I had vaguely remembered the time when I told myself I would get rid of every single incho of desireable feelings toward him. I think about all the things he had done for me that had rendierd me speechless, taken aback, suprised and astonished.

He had uttured things that an employer shouldn't say to his employe. Things a gentleman shouldn't whisper to a lady at night. When had I become this pathetic and this weak? Then I stopped staring at the ceiling and sat up. I pushed the covers off me, stripped of my flimsy nightgown and put on a new pair of trousers and waistcoat until I knew I looked like I could pass for a man.

I walked out of the room and went inside my tent that I had placed at the farthest tree of our area. I lay down, pull the covers toward me and closed my eyes.

Then we were at the sea, inside the ship and now we are ignoring each other. I look out to the neverending blue waters that surrounds us and I think to myself, there's no way out of this. I could jump off and eventhough I could swim the freezing temperature would kill me in less than three hours. Let's not forget the sharks, the fishes and other animals swimming beneath me.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence I feel tired of waiting and I get take a deep breath, inhaling the smell of seawater, the wood and my horrible body odor. Mind you, I hadn't got a proper bath three days ago.

I turn around which seemed to be a bad idea as I see him staring right at me. I exhale and look at him square at the eye before looking away and walking back to my cabin. It was all a blur, I couldn't seem to control my two feet and before I knew it I am leaning against the door, my hands in my hair, tears streaming down on my face.

Why am I so pathetic? Yes, I admit that it upset me that he left me hanging that night. I thought that from all those confusing actions that he has done it had all meant one thing: that he loves me. But maybe I was wrong, maybe it was the jungle heat taking the air out of his brain. Maybe it was because of all the green around us. Maybe it wasn't because of me.

I run my hand through my hair and I frown. Time had flown and I have forgoten to notice that my hair had grown a bit longer. Instead of ending at my shoulders it went almost down to my elbows. I sniffle and get a handkerchief from my pocket. I stare at it for a few minutes, noticing the dirt and dust in it. But I blow my nose anyway and put it back inside my pocket. My eyes were becomeing heavy, probably because I had not slept a wink at night.

I thought about all the gold we have, my family back in London, Patsy, and my parents. I contemplatee wether I should just continue or abandon everything. I lay on my bed, I put my hands in my stomach, I close my eyes and let the gentle sway of the ship lul me to sleep.

Until all my thoughts seemed to dissapear and left me alone.

Then a series of loud knocks made me open my eyes. I did not bother asking who because there are only four people in this ship; the Captain, him, me and Karim.