A/N: Sorry for the really late update. Here's a long chapter to compensate :)
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Perfection was what she craved on herself. Her idea of perfection might seem too far fetched to one. The sort of perfection that existed only in fairy tales about valiant kings who never lost a battle with ten foot demons and naive princesses who had no clue of their enchanting beauty. The one that appealed to everyone, made them impressed and finally got them to fall in love.
But those blocks that fell into her uncompleted jigsaw puzzle of life was perfection to her. It might be a song that never hit the top of charts but resonated with her own life's tune or a crude charcoal drawing that was too simple but bare and true or a lost poem written by someone anonymous but perked up her curiosity. She found perfection in all those things that aligned with her being, her soul and most significantly, those things that attributed to her uniqueness. However she herself didn't quite fit into that puzzle she was desperately trying to solve.
she blamed her half Asian genes, lack of grace, absence of wavy golden hair and the unsophisticated aura she radiated. she hated that she was only one of the pebbles among all the others which made a gravel path and an unpolished, unsymmetrical one at that too. she didn't want to be popular or anything. she just wanted everyone to appreciate and accept her. So that she could accept herself for who she is.
Maybe it was because she adored the happy endings of fairy tales. Those 'the end' s that were italicised in beautiful fonts and decorated by swirling vine-like brackets. A little shy voice in the back of her mind always told her that she was imperfect. And for some reason, she couldn't help but trust it.
she absolutely despised that she didn't fit her own description of her own idea of perfection. It disturbed her tremendously. she thought it might be the reason that she was neglected. That she was nobody.
her dissatisfaction with herself grew fatter and wider as people started disregarding her for her slanted almond eyes, her short and chunky stature and average intelligence. she could touch, feel, taste and smell the lies whenever her mother called her beautiful or whenever her father called her smart. she wasn't happy with herself. she wanted to be different.
she didn't like that her tummy wasn't entirely flat and that her limbs were short and stocky. And it didn't help her frustration at all when she began to get collectively labelled as the 'fat' girl. It crashed the least bit of self confidence she was holding onto. she opted for the shadows and grew stiff and cold when she felt someone's gaze on her.
her inner self knew that it wasn't true but she couldn't help feel insecure. And the little meek voice in her mind kept on telling her that she was imperfect and fat. she couldn't stop calculating the amount of calories whenever she bit into an apple. And if she did eat a whole apple, she couldn't help feel bloated. she felt as if her body was hanging with layers and layers of unwanted fat. she felt ugly.
her mom had placed a plate of muffins on her table. her body rebelled against her mind. she took a bite and was once again inclined to calculate those calories. she shuddered as her mind involuntarily calculated the result. The muffin suddenly turned tasteless. Each bite turned strenuous. Each gulp turned heavy. she felt her body increase in size. Grow larger and larger.
she dumped them into the bin even if the doctor had advised her not to. she examined herself on the mirror and cringed slightly. her collarbones stuck out nicely and the elbow joints jutted out awkwardly. her protruding cheekbones created hollows on the cheeks underneath.
her life felt fragile and fake. she felt lost for a second. A second of confusion. Why was she doing this? If she had given a bit more thought to it. she would have probably received enlightenment. But she felt too tired. Too drugged by the facade that she was so ardently creating. And her mind would always form the mathematical equation which had taken possession over her mind, a long time back. A simple equation in which the variables neither complimented each other nor balanced. Perfection equals love.
she smiled at the mirror and noticed how strained it was. The voice reminded her that she was fat again. It had turned even more loud and confident over the days. It was even more convincing than her therapists voice. her smile dropped.
she wasn't satisfied. she needed to get a bit more thin. And she would be accepted. Maybe then he might check her out at least once. she had to get thinner and she was sure she would be perfect.
