The boy who could fix

Prologue- The sirens and the people in uniforms

"Prologue - The sirens and the people in uniforms"

Never ever did i think or even imagen that this would happen to me. I was never prepared, but then again, who would be. Its not exactly something we learn in school, how to deal with life changing situations. 

All I learn in school is how to solve math problems, not my own. 

Because everyone thinks that it's never going to happen to them, at least I thought it never would happen to me. But here i am, stupid and naive.

Everywhere it screams sirens, the sound of trouble if you ask me. Nothing good comes with that sound. The sirens symbol danger or a negativ situation. The sad part is that this is the only sound that surrounds me right now, in this very moment.

 And I'm the negativ situation, at least a part of it.

 Its like my feet are stuck on the ground, like the earth is swallowing me slowly. I can see everything that happens in front of me, but I can't move or do anything. People in uniforms talking in walkie talkies and putting red band around my house. Neighbours and strangers standing on the sideline watching with fear and confusion. 

And then... 

Then the lifeless body lying in the ambulance covered with a white blanket. The sound around me is unclear, busy and blurry. All I hear is my own breath and my thoughts. I'm stuck in my own head. Everything's so surreal. Oh God save me.

I dont know how long I stand here before I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around I see that it's one of the people in the uniforms, the one who brought the sirens. She's trying to talk to me, but I can't seem to focus on what she's saying. I try to concentrate on her voice, try to make sense of whats she's saying.

 "What?" I ask so she knows she has to repeat what she had just said.

 " I know you are in shock right now darling, but I have to ask some questions, is that okey?" She has a soft voice, a understanding and comforting voice. Like a therapist, I have heard many of those.

 I try to answer, but my voice won't work.

 Or I'm just out of words. I dont know. 

Thats the case right now, I dont know, like I really dont know anything. I dont know why she's dead or even if she's dead, what I'm going to do now or how the hell I even ended up in this situation. 

The therapist voice try to make contact with me again. " Do you know what happened darling?"

 I look up, look her right in the eyes, with frustration. What a stupid question. Of course I know what happened, I was there, I saw it. I found her. I called the sirens and the people in uniforms.

The realization hits me. And then I break, 

I just can't handle it anymore. Every emotion comes out ugly. Tears streaming down my face while I scream in pain, not physically pain, emotionally pain.

 I get down on my knees. Everything feels like a dream, a never ending nightmare and no-one can save me, not myself not even the therapist voice in uniform in front of me.

I can still here her voice. She always came with those how- to-live-a- smart- life-advice-cutes

 "Be careful Valerie honey, even salt looks like sugar"

 The ironic thing is that she never listened to her own advice. Just gave. Thats maybe why she is in the situation she's in now, stone cold dead. If you only listened to your own advice mom, if you only did.

I try to find a comfortable position on the couch, emotionally drained, in a sick house, or a mental hospital as they call it.

 I dont clearly know what happened after my breakdown, my memory is blurry, and I try not to think so much. Because when I think to much I begin to feel, and from what I have experienced, feelings are no good. 

I'm waiting for the therapist i assume, I dont know.

 I can't seem to focus on what they are saying. I try to shut out the real world, just for now. So I dont break. That's just how you survive my therapist had once said to me. Thats just how you survive and get through tough situations. When life gets to hard and the reality to much, you can just shut down, just get lost in your own head for a second. Thats what I'm doing now.

The therapist walks in the room and begins to talk, I can't get with me everything he says, but I try, 

its probably some how -do -you- feel therapy stuff, something I really dont want to hear now.

 ".... what you have experienced know is an emotionally hard time and..." I dont let him finish his sentence before I look up at his face and say " I really dont want any comforting right now, all I need is someone who can help me find a solution to..." 

I stop. 

A solution to what? It's to much. I think to myself.

 "To what, Valerie?" he continues. 

"To.. I dont know, to everything. This hole situation is a messed up problem and needs a solution." I finish.

 I put my head in my hands and breathe heavy. This is a messed up situation. I take one last breath before I look up again. 

"I understand." he says while he sits down and cross his legs. 

Then he takes his notebook and pen, takes a deep breath and ask 

" How do you feel?" 

AAAnd here we go, I role my eyes and place my head in my hands again. Feelings, always the damn feelings.

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