Always

Learning to live again

A.N. as promised I am bringing you a small story about what Katniss went through right after peeta died! Hope you all enjoy.

I can feel the cold air seeping through my jacket as I walk onto the hovercraft. The wind sends a chill through my brain and I have to pause momentarily to briefly look back at district thirteen. I want to cringe when I see Alma Coin standing on the platform eyeing me, daring me to try and step foot back into thirteen.

The day after Peeta died I was deemed mentally unstable and told to go home to twelve. Not that I had a choice in the matter, but I nodded my head and walked to my compartment where Amnesty slept. Instead of picking her up when she cried, I turned over and a tear slipped out of my eye as I watched her blue eyes lock with mine. I was broken beyond repair.

Even now as I watch Haymitch and Rye tickle my daughter, I can't bring myself to laugh. I don't smile. I don't talk. I simply exist in a world where Peeta does not. I hang my head low and ignore the sound of a baby laughing. I drown it out with Peeta's whispers and grasp my pearl. Death. You try and escape, yet it pulls you back. It's inescapable, it puts demons in your head when you try to survive. What's the point, what's the point of living?

I feel the hovercraft land in twelve and I have to take a deep breath before looking out the window. The remains of district twelve and the dead bodies it holds states back at me.

"She needs to be fed." Rye says as he hands Amnesty towards me but I shrug him off and walk towards the village, leaving my daughter behind.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I never had her, that maybe if I wasn't pregnant when the arena exploded Peeta could have gone with me. Maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to risk his life. But then I remember how much he loved our daughter and I have to fight the urge to not hold her.

When I reach the village, I walk towards mine and Peeta's house. It still smells of fresh baked bread when I open the door and a smile comes across my face when I see the fireplace. Our toasting comes to my mind, the night I decided it would be okay if I fell completely in love with someone. I wipe the tear off of my cheek and lay on the couch, and play our toasting out in my mind. Wishing the fire I'm imaging were real and not just a memory.

For weeks I lay on the couch, not moving. Hardly living. The dust piles up around me, and I can feel my body getting thinner each day. Rye comes everyday and brings Amy with him, hoping that seeing her will bring me out of my state. Yet nothing can cause me to live again. I have noting to live for.

Haymitch stopped coming when I threw a liquor bottle at him and yelled for him to leave. And of course he obeyed, leaving me alone. Alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I imagine Peeta laying next to me on the couch watching tv or laughing while telling a joke. I like to pretend that the reason he's not here isn't because he's dead, but because he's merely at work.

I open my eyes and squint as the light shines in. "Good morning." His voice rings though my ears and I turn to find Peeta sitting next to me.

"What are you doing here?" My voice is raspy and cracks after not being used for over a month.

"It's been three months, Katniss. You need to learn to live again."

I sit up and reach my hand out to touch his face. Astonished that his skin feels real, I pull my hand back. "You're real."

He look into the sunlight and then back to me. "Only to you. I'm not here anymore, but if this is what it takes to help you live then I'll be here. Imaginary or real, I've always been there for you."

"I don't understand." I begin to cry as he stands and kisses my cheek.

"It's time, Katniss." He smiles and then he's gone. The sun still shines through the room, but he's no longer there.

I swallow and turn towards the door, remembering what he said. Maybe it is time to live again.

I pull myself off of the couch and open the door, walking towards Haymitch's house. But before I can reach his front steps, I catch a glimpse of Rye in my old house holding Amy. Slowly I turn and head towards the house that I use to call my own. Knocking softly I hope in vain that I have the courage to do this.

Rye opens the door and stands with his arms engulfing my daughter who smiles as he bounces her slightly. "I'm ready." I tell him. It takes a moment for his face to become less harsh and then all together he smiles.

"I knew you'd finally get there." He says and hugs me tightly before handing Amy to me.

That night as I lay her in the crib at home, she smiles at me while reaching for a fist of my hair. "I'll never leave you, Amnesty. It's just the two of us now, but I think your father will always be near. He might be watching from afar, but he's there. You just have to look." I kiss her forehead and brush her raven hair down. When I turn to look towards the doorway, I see Peeta standing with his hand against the door frame with a smile of approval.

"He'll always be around, because he made me a promise once. A promise that he'd never leave and I believe him."

A.N. hopefully you enjoyed this! Give it a thumbs up!