Till Death Do Us

THE VILLAIN

Had Phineas Stiffs been a quadruped of the species, canus lupus, the sight of Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell would have caused his fur to rise, his canines to be bared, and no doubt a low and ominous snarl to escape his throat. While Phineas was not one to garner mortal enemies, no one came closer to fitting that description than Von Titus Barr-Cadwell.

On that warm spring afternoon, having spotted Von Titus Barr-Cadwell behind the small crowd at Miss Hortense Peabody's interment, Cousin Rudy turned to Phineas and whispered, "What's he doing here?"

"Probably sizing up the competition," Phineas whispered back, painfully aware that Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell wasn't in the habit of merely sizing up the competition, but was nearly always inclined to confront it head on, as he apparently intended now, tromping noisily in their direction around the perimeter of the gathering of mourners.

Once again, Phineas glanced at the lovely young woman, wishing it was she who was approaching. To his surprise, he discovered that her attention had also been diverted from the service. In fact, unless he was utterly mistaken, it appeared that her eyes were on the dastardly Von Titus Barr-Cadwel. While on her face was an expression that Phineas could only interpret as dismay.

A moment later, Von Titus Barr-Cadwellstood face-to-face with the cousins Stiffs.  In addition to his black sack suit, the young man wore high black boots, and sported the sort of droopy mustache that Phineas associated with certain low breeds of mongrels. Only this particular mongrel smelled of cologne and tar, no doubt from the pomade he used to hold his black hair in a stiff pompadour beneath his top hat.

"So this is how you arrange your funerals, is it?" Von Titus Barr-Cadwell asked in a gruff haughty tenor loud enough to cause Reverend Walls to look up from his from his sermon with a frown, and to elicit shushes from the crowd. Von Titus Barr-Cadwell ignored them. "Frankly, I'm amazed you've got any business at all."

"Really?" Rudy replied. "Then why, only a few years ago, were you so intent on trying to purchase our company from us?"

"Because, as your ancestors clearly recognized, few corporate ventures are as steady and dependable as undertaking," Von Titus Barr-Cadwell replied. "But I never had any enthusiasm for your company as you run it. I was merely interested in acquiring the name Stiffs & Sons and the good will that accompanied it. Frankly, this barbaric and antiquated practice of interment has no future, and we both know it."

"You mean, where we actually honor the dead instead of simply incinerating them into a small heap of ashes?" Cousin Rudy asked while covering his mouth with his hand to stifle a yawn.

"You call this honoring them?" Von Titus Barr-Cadwell scoffed. "By starting the funeral half an hour late? By leading the procession through the Le Roadhouse Trundle-Thru on your way here?"

Once again, Phineas's eyes drifted in the direction of the the beautiful young woman in indigo. To his astonishment, he found her looking directly back at him. At least, for one brief instant before she quickly cast her gave downward.

"For your information," Cousin Rudy informed Von Titus Barr-Cadwell, "I was up late last night working on a remarkable new discovery. As a consequence I felt the need to make a quick stop for nutrition and caffination on way here."

"And that's what you call paying respect to the dead?" Von Titus Barr-Cadwell smirked condescendingly. "Inviting the mourners to dine on that badly prepared slop?"

"On the contrary. You've apparently not sampled the Le Roadhouse Chutney Le Dagwood, which I personally find to be a deeply religious experience," Rudy replied, then pointed at the elderly crowd of Le Roadhouse gunny sack clutchers, and Le Slurry slurpers. "You don't see any them complaining, do you?"

Von Titus Barr-Cadwell crossed his arms and harrumphed. The truth was that on any other day, such a sacrilegious detour in the funereal proceedings by his cousin probably would have rankled Phineas as well. But today he was so captivated by the beautiful young woman in indigo as to have his regular sensibilities rendered nearly useless.

It was just then that the Reverend Walls concluded the funeral service ended. Cousin Rudy, Phineas, and Von Titus Barr-Cadwell watched the mourners slowly make their ways back down the slope to the diesel buggies and horse-drawn carriages that lined the cemetery's cobblestone lane.

"Thunderation, will you look at that!" Cousin Rudy blurted. Down in the lane, the beautiful young woman had opened the door of a bright red cabriolet roadster. Hiking up the dark indigo dress and copper-colored petticoat beneath, she bared her shapely calves just for an instant while swinging them under the dashboard.

"Quite the stunning roadster, is it not?" Von Titus Barr-Cadwell observed.

"I believe my cousin wasn't referring to the vehicle," Phineas said, "but to the exquisite female getting into it."

As fit his egotistical nature, Von Titus Barr-Cadwell puffed out his chest with exaggerated self-satisfaction. "Ah, yes, that would be my betrothed, Miss Theodosia Boudreaux."