Till Death Do Us

INTENT TO TROTH and AN ANGEL

INTENT TO TROTH

No sooner had Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell made his pronouncement that the lovely young woman in indigo was his fiancé, then Phineas felt blasted by a consternation so deep that it jarred the very marrow of his bones.  Marry Von Titus Barr-Cadwell?No! It couldn't be possible! Rarely had he heard more unwelcome news. How could anyone as alluring and captivating as this Miss Theodosia Boudreaux would agree to wed as vile and dastardly a cretin as Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell?

"Oh, so you intend to troth, do you?" said Cousin Rudy.

"Yes, this coming Wednesday, in fact." Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell replied in his typically smug self-satisfied manner, then turned his noxious gaze on Phineas. "And speaking of intentions, young Master Stiffs, let it be known that I'm putting you on notice. As soon as I've got my marital affairs in order, my very next intention will be to bury both you and your funeral home in a hole so deep it will make that —" he jerked his thumb at the funerary workers who were now busy scooping loose soil back into Miss Hortense Peabody's grave — "look like a mere divot in a pall-mall court."

A brief stillness followed while Phineas assessed the threat to his family's livelihood that Von Titus Barr-Cadwell had just thrown down. It was, he knew, no idle warning. Time and again Von Titus Barr-Cadwell had proved that in the business of business he was as ruthless as he was cunning. And due to the terrible Mix-Up, Stiffs & Sons Mortuary Services was, at that moment, particularly vulnerable.

A sudden loud Clank! roused Phineas from his thoughts. The sound had come from the cobblestone lane where the bright red cabriolet roadster had just backed into the fender of the boxy black carryall parked behind it. Von Titus Barr-Cadwell and the cousins Stiffs watched as a flustered Miss Theodosia Boudreaux jumped out of the roadster and hurried toward the other vehicle. It was apparent by her gestures — hands clasped apologetically, forehead wrinkled with dismay — that she felt the accident had been her fault.

"Blast!" Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell frowned. "The second dent this week. Well, I better go see how much damage she did this time." And with that, the world's only living heart donor arrogantly strode away.

Phineas and Cousin Rudy remained on the hillside and watched.

"Rather ironic choice of phrases, wouldn't you say?" Cousin Rudy asked.  "A moment ago he said he intended to bury our funeral home.  Doubly ironic, now that I think of it. Not only does Von Titus Barr-Cadwell mean to bury a funeral home, but you'd imagine that someone who owns a chain of cut-rate crematoriums wouldn't be thinking of burials at all. Shouldn't he have threatened to incinerate Stiffs? Reduce us to smoke and ashes?"

Phineas knew better than to suggest that this was a moment his cousin might have chosen to take more seriously. Once again he gazed in the direction of Miss Theodosia Boudreaux who had now gotten back into her red cabriolet and had started winding her way down the stone-lined lane along the side of the hill. A profound sense of angst within Phineas caused a deep and poignant sigh of dismay to issue itself from his lungs. She was so utterly lovely. How could she possibly intend to marry Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell?

But then he recalled the expression he'd  ever so briefly glimpsed on her face  as she'd watched Von Titus Barr-Cadwell approach he and Cousin Rudy. Had that been the expression of a young woman eagerly awaiting the moment of  making a life-long bond in matrimony? Phineas wasn't sure it had been.  And if his suspicion was correct, was there anything he could possibly do about it?

AN ANGEL

The interment of the late Miss Hortense Peabody complete, Phineas and Cousin Rudy made their way down the weedy slope toward the funeral lorry. The gradually warming summer air was heavy with noxious odor, soot and humidity, the hazy sky turning a light brownish blue. In the distance the tall smokestacks of Gravesend belched dark gray smoke as the daily commerce of the city churned. Closer by, a slightly lighter shade of fume rose from the chimney of the Le Roadhouse, located a few hundred yards from the entrance to the cemetery. The sight of the drive-in saloon had the unwelcome effect of prying Phineas out of a reverie in which he was heroically saving the lovely Miss Theodosia Boudreaux from the evil clutches of Von Titus Barr-Cadwell.