Till Death Do Us

WHAT'S SHE DOING IN A BAWDY HOUSE?

"Drat. I'm sorry we missed her," Cousin Rudy said with a chuckle.

Phineas gave him a puzzled scowl.

"Well, if she's here." Cousin Rudy nodded at the stage. "I assume it's to be up there. But it looks like she's leaving. Hence, I can only assume we missed her performance."

Once again, Phineas's eyes traveled to the stage and the nearly naked woman with the feather fans. Could that possibly be the answer? Was Miss Boudreaux indeed one of those women who vulgarly flaunted their physical beauty in return for a shower of silver coins? Did that explain her coming nuptials to the dastardly but enormously wealthy Egon Von Titus-Barr Caldwell?

Phineas felt physically stricken by the thought. No! It couldn't be! She's so lovely and prim! Could he imagine the lovely Miss Boudreaux on that stage? No! Never! He refused to believe it. There had to be another explanation for why she was there in the bawdy house. There just had to be!

Meanwhile, Miss Boudreaux was nearing the back of the theater where Phineas and Cousin Rudy were sitting.

"At least there's some good news. Here's your opportunity." Starting to rise, Cousin Rudy closed his hand around Phineas's arm. "Come on, I'll introduce you."

The implications struck Phineas like a slap. "No!" He tried to yank his arm out of his cousin's grasp. Unfortunately, Cousin Rudy's crablike grip was tight.

"Why not?" Cousin Rudy asked.

"Because the first thing she'll ask is, what are you doing in a bawdy house?"

"Well, you could ask her the same thing," Cousin Rudy pointed out.

But Phineas was in no mood to ask her anything. In a moment Miss Boudreaux would pass within a few yards of them. Phineas could not, under any circumstances, allow her to see him there. But Cousin Rudy's hand was still around his arm, tugging at him to rise.

In a panic, Phineas pulled back hard enough to yank his cousin off his feet and send him stumbling. With a loud crash, the jar from the kinetic efflux experiment shattered on the floor. Miss Boudreaux heard the racket and looked. For an instant, her eyes met Phineas's.

Embarrassed and humiliated, his face on fire, Phineas looked away. In his ears was the click of Miss Boudreaux's heels on the bawdy house floor as she continued on her way. She's seen me in here, Phineas thought woefully. She thinks I'm that sort of person.

Meanwhile Cousin Rudy was on his hands and knees a few feet from Phineas. "What'd you do that for?" he spluttered.

Slumped in his seat, Phineas felt too morose to answer. Miss Boudreaux had clearly seen him. When he finally mustered the wherewithal to look toward the exit, she was gone. And so, he was certain, were his dreams. Whatever ridiculous fantasies he'd had about "saving" her from the clutches of Egon Von Titus-Barr Caldwell had just been dashed. She must have now assumed that he was nothing more than a common degenerate, on a level with old "Trenchcoat" Tompkins. He buried his face in his hands.

"What's with you?" Cousin Rudy asked, picking up the broken shards glass and pieces of his experiment.

"She saw me in here," Phineas groaned.

"Yes, and you saw her."

Phineas couldn't explain it to his cousin. He wasn't even sure he could explain it to himself. But it was hopeless. Completely hopeless. Now that she thought of him as the type of fellow who frequented bawdy houses, it was over. He'd lost her for good.

The hoots and jeers of the other men in the audience briefly roused him from his misery. On the stage, the blond with the feathery fans had revealed one long, shapely naked leg to protrude from behind the fans. The sight jarred Phineas back into the moment. Why was he still in this ridiculous place anyway?

Jumping up from his seat, Phineas squeezed past his cousin to the aisle and then started briskly toward the curtains while Rudy trailed behind.

"What's the matter with you, Finny?" his cousin gasped as he hurried to keep up.

Phineas couldn't answer. Having stamped across the bawdy house's lobby as fast as he could without attracting more attention, he yanked open the door, stepped out into the dusky sunlight and started away as fast as he could.

"Wait!" Cousin Rudy croaked behind him on the promenade. "Seriously, Finny, I don't understand you. If I was as big, and strong, and good-looking as you, I'd be dating goddesses."

"Until they learned that your last name is Stiffs and what it is that your family did for a living!" Phineas shouted back, railing at the injustice of having been born into a clan of undertakers. This was compounded by the agonizing memory of what had just happened inside the Lux. Could he possibly have been more of an idiot, following Miss Boudreaux so blindly into the bawdy house and then making a spectacle of himself? How would he ever be able face her? Speak to her? It was impossible, crazy, out of the question.

Phineas tromped down the sidewalk, not knowing where he was headed. Maybe it didn't matter. What if he'd been wrong about her in the first place? What if she really did work in that place? Well, that was even worse, wasn't it? Just when he'd finally thought he'd found someone capable of understanding the family business, of understanding him, she'd turned out to be in a business that he himself could never understand, much less accept in the woman he loved.

A sense of disgust came over him. Love? Was that what he thought he'd been feeling? For someone he hardly knew? For someone engaged to Egon Von Titus Barr-Cadwell, the human equivalent of pond scum? For someone who might have paraded her delicate naked limbs before bawdy house crowds? Why, he was behaving as if this was some school-boy crush. What the devil was wrong with him?

When the traffic master held up his hand, Phineas was forced to stop at the corner and wait for the traffic to cease. It was there that his cousin caught up to him. The effort of following Phineas had left Rudy hobbling and breathing hard. Cleary his unhealthy lifestyle was having an effect. Gasping, he bent over and pressed his hands against his knees to keep himself from toppling. "I'll tell you something else, Finny," he wheezed. "There's nothing wrong with the ladies knowing we're in the mortuary business. Why, some of my women friends really like it in the funeral lorry."

Phineas stared at him in disbelief. "Rudy, you are incorrigible."

Just then the traffic master waved, and Phineas started across the intersection. Still wracked with grief over the uprooting of Miss Boudreaux from his dreams, he had no idea where he was going, or what he was doing.

"Hey!" Cousin Rudy called behind him. "I'm not the one in need of incorrigment, you are!"