Till Death Do Us

WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Greatly alarmed by what he'd seen, Phineas knifed through the heavy curtains and began inching down the row where Cousin Rudy was sitting. Thankfully, his cousin was alone. But it was with significant alarm that Phineas noted that Cousin Rudy appeared more interested in what was going on under the coat on his lap than on the stage, where a scantily-clad blond was contorting herself behind huge feathery pin fans while the crowd hooted, whistled, and tossed silver coins at her feet. Overhead, the theater was illuminated by huge candle chandeliers, drops of melted wax falling like intermittent scalding rain on those members of the crowd seated below, who protected their heads by wearing homburgs and bowlers.

Phineas stopped one seat away from Cousin Rudy and apprehensively tried to see what his cousin was doing under the coat, but it was too dark and shadowy at the back of the theater to tell. "Rudy?" he whispered.

His cousin jerked his head up and stared at him with wide, startled eyes.

"What the devil are you doing here?" Phineas whispered hotly, feeling his brow grow warm with embarrassment.

Eyes still wide, Cousin Rudy hissed, "Experimenting."

During his years in boarding school, Phineas had heard such acts called many things, and he supposed experimentation wasn't entirely off the mark. Still, he felt it was imperative to first get his cousin out of that place as quickly as possible and then deliver a stern lecture on the inadvisability of conducting such "experiments" in public places.

But to Phineas's horror Cousin Rudy began to slide the coat from his lap enough to reveal ... a small glass jar in which hung two wafer-thin leaves of silver foil. Leading from the cap of the jar were two strands of what appeared to be picture-hanging wire.

"What in the world?" Phineas whispered.

Eyes glazed with excitement, Cousin Rudy whispered back, "I've come to believe that the human body itself may be capable of generating its own kinetic efflux!"

An Introduction to Kinetic Efflux: A brief tutorial by Rudolph Billingsly Stiffs

The concept of kinetic efflux first came to me while observing lightning during a summer storm. While the precise understanding of what causes lightning remains a mystery, it is clear that lightning itself consists of extraordinarily bright light traveling between two points at extremely rapid speed. These speeds appear to be far in excess of the known properties of the three basic states of matter: solids, liquids, and gases. Therefore, I have concluded that lightning must represent a forth state of matter, which I have named kinetic efflux.

Through further investigation I have observed that humans themselves are capable of generating small amounts of kinetic efflux. This first came to my attention during the recent winter months when I witnessed tiny amounts of light in the form of sparks appear between myself and certain inanimate objects – such as a door knob, the body of the funeral lorry, and a metal faucet – as well as between myself and other human beings. While the appearance of these tiny amounts of kinetic efflux were accompanied by a brief and mildly adverse sensation to the skin, they seemed wholly absent of the heat that accompanies the production of light from such contemporary fuel sources as wood, paraffin, oil, and gas.

Based on these observations, it is my hypothesis that — if it can be captured, stored, and controlled — kinetic efflux has the potential to become an effective light source without the dangerously incendiary levels of heat associated with traditional lighting sources such as candles, fire, and oil and gas lanterns. This would have enormous benefits over contemporary lighting sources in terms of safety to humans, as well as significantly reducing the risk of property loss due to fire.