Till Death Do Us

AUNT MINNIE

Phineas left his father's office feeling unsettled. Despite the apparently precarious state of the elder Stiff's mental health, Phineas had never heard Seymour speak with such passion on the subjects of life and love. He honestly had no idea what to make of it. Were Seymour's pronouncements born of the wisdom and clarity that one might imagine resulted from the reflections of a life well-considered? Or were they merely the blather of one who feels one's world is crumbling down around him?

And while he (Phineas) may have managed, at least temporarily, to lift his father's spirits, serious challenges still remained: the looming hearing before the Mortuary Licensing Board, the growing threat to Stiff's Funeral Home by Von Titus Barr-Cadwell's chain of cut-rate crematoriums, and his (Phineas) own coming abdication of the family business reins. It was difficult to imagine, given his father's delicate emotional state, that he (Seymour) could manage any of it, much less all of it.

In spite Phineas's intention to one day pursue an altogether different occupation, it none-the-less rankled him to think that the enterprise known for so many generations as Stiff's & Sons Mortuary Service might come to an ignominious end under his father's watch, thereby implying an epic failure. Not only would that be yet another devastating blow to his father's clearly precarious self-esteem, but it would leave his Cousin Rudy and his widowed aunt, Minnie, without any means of financial support.

Speaking of Minnie Stiffs, Phineas was letting himself out the rear entrance of the funeral home when he discovered the flower lorry backed into the loading dock, and Cousin Rudy's mother trying to wrestle a large heart-shaped floral arrangement out of the back.

"Wait a minute, Minnie, I'll help you."

"Oh, thank you, Finny, you're such a dear," said Winnie, who was delicate and slight of stature, and whose disposition had been sorely tested in recent years by the untimely detonation of her husband, the aforementioned Uncle Fillmore, as well as the often aggravating guardianship of her capricious genius of a son, Cousin Rudy.

Phineas carried the wreath inside. As befitted a family business, everyone pitched in. Minnie was the office manager, as well as being in charge of floral arrangements and burial monuments.

"Is Rudy here?" she asked once Phineas had placed the wreath in the viewing room.

"He said he had an errand in town," Phineas replied.

"Oh, dear. Did he say what sort of errand?" Minnie asked, revealing the anxiety they all felt whenever Cousin Rudy's presence could not be accounted for. As was her habit when she was worried about her son, Minnie twisted an embroidered hanky around her fingers. At this point, the hanky was little more than a small, shredded rag.

Phineas made a helpless gesture. It was useless to wonder where Cousin Rudy could have gone. After all, it was Cousin Rudy. He could have gone anywhere.

Minnie let out a weary sigh. "He's been going on and on about this ... this new fascination of his."

"Kinetic efflux?"

"I haven't the foggiest notion of what he's talking about," Minnie said. "Then again, I hardly ever understand what he's talking about. And it hardly seems to matter, because he jumps so quickly from one ... one ..."

"Obsession?"

"Yes, one obsession to another. But this time it seems worse. I keep waiting for it to go away, but he seems stuck. Tell me, Finny, do you have any idea what these... these...."

"Kinetic effluxes are?" Phineas shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't have a clue."

"He was just impossible last winter while you were away at the Institute," Minnie said. "Every time I ran into him he'd rub his shoes on the carpet and then want me to touch him. And if I did I'd get this terribly painful spark. It was really quite uncomfortable, Finny. I got to the point where I found myself avoiding my own son."

"Well, like you said, he does go through these passions." Phineas tried to be reassuring. "I'm sure this one will pass just like all the rest."

"I do hope so, Finny. I worry about him constantly. I always used to wonder why he couldn't have been a sensible, responsible young man like you. And now that you don't want to continue with the family business, I can't imagine what will happen to him, and me, and all of this." She gestured to the viewing room.

"Well, you know, Minnie, after Fillmore blew himself up, my father promised that he'd always keep an eye on you and Rudy. There's no reason to think that's changed."

"Yes, but your father isn't ... and he won't ..."

"He isn't the same, is he?" Phineas acknowledged. "And even if he was, he won't always be here."

Minnie nodded and looked away as if unable to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry, Finny. I know I shouldn't dwell on things like this, especially since you won't be part of the business much longer. But with Rudy the way he is, I can't help myself sometimes. What is he going to do when your father's no longer with us and you're off being a forensic investigator?"

Despite his own profound concerns about the future of the family enterprise, Phineas endeavored to reassure her. "There's no reason why Stiffs won't continue just as it always has, Minnie, except we'll hire someone from the outside to run it."

"And what do you think will happen when that person realizes that Rudy is ...."

"Somewhat unreliable?"

Minnie nodded and twisted her embroidered hanky.

Eager to relieve his aunt of at least a small part of her maternal stress, Phineas stated with all the certainty he could muster, "When that day comes, I'll make sure it's written into the contract that Rudy will stay on the payroll no matter what."

"But what if there is no payroll?" Minnie asked. "What if Von Titus-Barr Caldwell and his crematoriums..."

"Take away Stiffs' business?" Phineas sighed. "Aunt Minnie, Stiffs has been around for 200 years. We have a very loyal following. Even after the Mix Up, people still trust their loved ones to us. I firmly believe that in one way or another, this business will survive."

In Phineas's previous experience, this degree of reassurance was usually enough to make his aunt smile and thank him for making her feel better. But today she merely pursed her lips, and hung her head. It pained Phineas to see Aunt Minnie so distressed. She'd lost her husband. Her son's greatest talent seemed to be for constant vacillation. And now she feared that her very livelihood was in the balance.

He gathered her into his arms. She felt as frail as a bird. "I promise you, Aunt Minnie, no matter what happens, I'll make sure you and Rudy are okay."