You and I (vkook)

Chapter 34

Transparent hands were at my neck // Oh but I love the way you let me breathe instead

Jimin came into their dorm earlier than expected and found Taehyung sitting on the floor with puffy red eyes.

Taehyung heard the door opening and silently cursed, he really wish he had put himself back together before Jimin arrived.

"Tae is everything okay?" Jimin asked slowly sitting in the floor right in front of Taehyung.

Taehyung was lost for words, he wanted to be blunt and say nothing is okay, my life is a huge piece of shit but he held himself against that.

He had enough of self-pity that day already, Jimin didn't deserve to be dragged into Taehyung's self-pity state, Jimin deserves so much better than that, so much better than a best friend like Taehyung.

Taehyung simply shook his head and hid his face between his curled legs, holding them closer to him.

"Tell me what happened. Do you want me to call Jeongguk?" Jimin's voice was barely even a whisper, he was trying to be as delicate and loving towards Taehyung as he possibly could and the younger boy appreciated every second of it.

"Please don't." Taehyung's voice came out deeper than usual and muffled because of his hidden face on his legs.

He couldn't let Jimin call Jeongguk. He wishes Jeongguk would never see him like this, because he also deserves better than someone like Taehyung.

Jeongguk deserves the clean blue sky and the stars shining above their heads, he deserves the sun and the moon, nothing less than beautiful and precious things in his life and Taehyung is the opposite of that. Taehyung is the dark, the deep ocean filled with mortal creatures, the black hole, nothing but destruction and sadness.

He had spent this weekend back home. He needed to go over to attend his dad's girlfriend birthday party on Saturday.

But Taehyung's house is toxic. Everyone inside there intoxicates Taehyung in a bad way, that's why he moved to the dorm, his panic state was too bad and his house was making it worse and spending the weekend there broke him once again.

It was nothing less than frustrating, Taehyung was feeling so good lately, his panic state wasn't making him crumble that often and he hadn't had a full panic attack in months.

Plus he had Jeongguk. That boy was his angel, a bright blinding light on his dark life, he was caring, sweet and cute and Taehyung swears he was about to ask for the boy to marry him every now and then because he loved him so much.

So once Taehyung went home and talked to his sister that Friday night just to hear her endless complaints about life in general he wanted to cry. He said to her all he could to try to make her feel better but Taehyung knows and always knew that it wasn't his responsibility to cure her if he could barely cure himself.

All his comforting words sounded fake to her and to his own ears because that's what they really were, fake, because Taehyung doesn't believe in them when he says it. He ended up having an argument with his sister that night.

Seeing his sister hating life and often blaming him for things hurts him, it always had and it always will. He wanted to help; he felt he needed to do something but sometimes he needs to put himself first and he was hoping to fix himself before he would try to fix his sister.

But not even the reassurance he received from his psychologist - after he texted an SOS to her that night- saying that it was good that he kept contact with his sister and talked to her but that wasn't his place to break himself in order to fix her, made him feel better.