You and I (vkook)

Chapter 46

And if you and I can keep our love alive

Hey Jeongguk...

I'm not really good with words, my writing is shit but I'll try to express myself here.

I'd like to start by saying that I don't know what I'm doing wrong in my life. Perhaps everything. Maybe my solid existence is a mistake. Have you ever thought how it feels to think something like this?

Every time I'm rebuilding myself I find myself breaking again no longer after. I constantly let people down without even knowing how the fuck I managed to do it. I don't know what people expect from me because I truly try my best to understand all sides of the situation and deal with it in the best way I can. Always. Maybe my best just isn't enough.

As someone who lost someone important so young I never liked to be mad at anyone for long because in the back of my mind there was always this voice saying "maybe this will be the last time you'll see them, you wouldn't want to end this in a bad note." I told you about this before but can you imagine how it is like to live like this? Fearing people will die any second...

I always tried to understand that my dad's work might be frustrating, that he also hates coming home late and I always tried to make him feel happy for being home or at least feel at ease for finally being able to rest. I always avoided being mad with him for long. I was always the mediator between my family members.

Always trying to keep a conversation, be nice towards one of them if the other was mad at them. I always tried to maintain things balanced but once I was bad or mad myself no one would try to make amends like me and I'd feel so guilty for not doing it myself.

I like to believe we all have our right to be mad sometimes because after all we are humans and can't avoid our feelings but for me that was always some kind of luxury.

I'd keep my annoyance aside to try to make others feel good and let my annoyance away from bothering anyone else, but even I can't make my madness disappear even if I want to and when that happened the guilt would eat me alive.

I'd always make people mad and I would always disappoint them because I'm nothing more than disappointment. I personify the world disappointment. Making all the wrong choices in life and getting everyone around me down, like I am some sort of contagious virus.

That's all I do. I let people down, no matter what.

I disappoint people then I try to convince me that's okay because I can feel the guilt damaging my head, eating me alive. It's like I can see my brain malfunctioning because guilt is tearing me apart.

It's not a nice feeling.

There's too much shit inside my head. I fear everything, I feel anxious about everything, if things go wrong once I assume it will always happen therefore I tend to just built more fear on top of my anxiety. It's a vicious cycle.

On top of all that I feel miserable, hopeless and unworthy of anything good. I told you I don't want to claim to be depressed and one big part of that is because my sister is depressed and she seems to feel worse than I do, or at least she express how she feels about this more openly than me and I don't know... I think I just feel I will be dismissing her if I say I suffer from depression too because I manage to work my way around it way better than her.

If you put all of this together and mix it up on a blender you'll get my fucked up mental health. And all of this crap together makes me panic.

It is not just the fear of being alone. The fear of storms. The fear of talking in public. The fear of failure and whatnots. It's all of this combined that makes me so anxious I lose control of my own mind, of my own body.