The Thoughts Of The Voices

29: Jealousy

There's a truth I never told anyone. I've kept it buried deep within my heart, the darkest chambers there is. I never had the courage to say it out loud for the fear of my family thinking of me as ignorant person, or stupid in that matter.

Truth is, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all those girls who have their fathers who care for them and their familes. That includes you sweetie, sorry. Despite what you may think of your father babe, he cares about you and only wants the best for you, he loves you. And your mother may be harsh but it's called tough love. She wants you to be smart and graduate high school for a better life she always wanted for her kids.

But yes, I always been jealous of those 'daddy's little girl'. It makes my heart ache at the thought of never truly growing up with a father figure. Sure I have my step dad but I consider him as a friend more than a dad. I wish sometimes I knew what it was like growing up with someone to tell me the troubles of dating guys, even if we all know that's never gonna happen.

I'm jealous of the way he left my family behind to start a new one. I'm jealous of my little half-sister who will get to have that experience of growing up with a father. I'm jealous because I have everything a kid could ever ask for except that one thing that I can never truly have. It makes me scream and shout in pain, my eyes are kinda blurry right now so forgive me if you see any mistake. The only thing I have left of his memory is a small toy from 'Littlest Pet Shop' collection. It's the picture above.

The sad part is I still love him. Despite everything he's ever done, I still love him and wish I could wrap my arms around him and say "Daddy". I wish he could reassure me, calm my fears and fight those monsters that taunt me at night. If he looked at me now, and how much I've grown, I could only hope he would be proud of me. I can only dream of him kissing my cheeks and telling me I'm his little girl.

When I was younger, I use to call my dad but he never picked up, only my grandparents. And I can assume that they hate me and my mom because they always avoided me from ever truly talking to my dad. Now that's I'm older, my three older brothers call him and he responds to them. That hurts even more. It makes me think that he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, I guess I just needed to take this off my chest.

When I get older and have kids, I'm going to make sure to always be there for them, protect them, and raise them the right way. I'll always try my best to show affection for them and support their decisions in anything. I hope that I don't over-spoil those cute little soon-to-be.

I wrote a free verse poem to my father, even if I won't ever sent it, I'd rather keep it here to never forget.

Hey dad, how are you?
I haven't heard from you in a while.
I graduated from middle school,
Are you proud of me?
I'm in high school now,
It's hard, but I'll manage.
How's your kids?
I hope you care for them,
Love them,
And cherish them.

I write poems,
What are your hobbies?
I never got the chance,
To really know you.
What's your favorite colors?
Mines are red and blue,
Colors of the skies.
I miss you,
Everyday I dream,
Of seeing you again.
I wish you could've stayed longer,
To see me grow.

I have a girlfriend now,
She's really special,
And I know,
I'm falling in love with her.
I hope to see you again,
So you could walk me down
The aisle.
I think,
You'd approve of her,
If you didn't hate gays.

You'll have grandkids,
Running around,
Yelling "Grandpa!",
Doesn't that sound lovely?
They'll run up to you,
And kiss you on both cheeks,
I'd run up to you,
If I ever saw you again,
And do the same.

Until I see you again papa.