It's Always Been You

Chapter 14

**Chanel's POV**
-4 months later-

I can't seem to grasp reality anymore. Between the nightmares and sleep deprivation, I never feel well. I feel as if my life is in a downward spiral, and the worst part is I see her everywhere I turn. I see the little girl I killed.

I know everyone keeps telling me it was an accident and it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't make it better. I'm supposed to save lives, not take them.

"Mom?" My son's voice is small and barely audible from the doorway.

I turn over in bed to see him standing with his hand on the door knob, looking nervous.

"Yes?" I ask quickly with no emotion behind my voice.

Scotty hesitates for a moment before responding, "Can you take us to the park?"

I sigh loudly and roll back over on my side. "Ask Grandpa."

"But we like it when you take us."Scotty begs, "Please, Mom, you haven't gone with us in months."

Between maintaining my job at Firehouse 51 and being sleep deprived, I don't have the strength to take my kids anywhere.

"Mommy's tired, Scotty." I reply with a deep breath. "Ask Grandpa," I repeat myself.

"But-" Scotty whimpers and I cut him off.

"No!" I shout and it sends my son out of the room. He slams the door behind him and my heart breaks when I hear him sob.

But as much as it hurts me, I deserve this. I deserve to be sad, and to have kids who resent me. I murdered an innocent little girl.

As a tear trickles down my cheek, I hear the door open again.

"I said ask your Grandpa!" I shout and turn over to see Kelly standing in front of the closed bedroom door.

"Woah," he says and puts his hands up. "I'm innocent," he tells me with a smirk, showing he's joking, but I don't laugh.

"Yeah," I mutter, unsure how else to respond, and roll back over. With my back facing Kelly, he struts over to the bed and sits on the edge.

"You know why Scotty wants you to take him to the park?" Kelly asks with a deep sadness in his voice.

"No," I admit. Why would a kid want me to take him. Even though I'm his mother, I'm a murderer.

And I didn't deserve to be happy.

"Because you're his mom and he misses you." Kelly states and I feel his hand touch my arm. "We all do."

"Well I'm right here." I reply quickly and move away from his touch. Even though it's warm and inviting, I don't deserve it.

"Chanel, please," Kelly practically begs. "It's been four months. You deserve to be happy too."

"No," I whisper as my voice cracks. "No I don't, and you'll never understand that. You don't know what it's like to be the reason a child is dead."

"You don't think I've ever tried to save someone and been unable to?" He retorts, anger and impatience are evident in his tone. "I've lost more people than you can imagine. People I could've saved, but I wasn't able to. I know how you feel."

"No you fucking don't!" I hiss and turn over to look at him. "You don't understand at all. I hate myself and I hate you for trying to help me. Why can't you just leave me alone, Kelly?" I growl.

For the past four months our relationship has been non existent. I told him I was done the day I went back to work. That was step one in paying my dues for what I had done. Ending things with Kelly was one of the hardest things to do for me.