Insert A Cheap Title (Rikey)

Get Drunk

Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday.

Future. Present. Past. 

Gravity. Weightlessness. 

Freedom. Prison.

Inhale. Exhale.

Breath. Don't breath.

Start and stop.

Fast forward. Pause. Rewind. 

   In no way did anyone prepare anyone for this. No one told us that this would happen. It wasn't supposed to happen. In all honesty, I never expected it. No one did. Well, maybe someone did. Gerard sure didn't. I don't know who said it, but whoever did, I would slap them if I ever found out who it was. 

   And so, I'm lying in my bunk alone, pretending to be asleep while Gerard talks on the phone to our mother. He is clearly upset and she is sobbing. All I can make out is my brother speaking quietly through a lump in his throat and my mom's muffled and loud crying voice. 

   I never meant to do this. I never meant to make them upset. Really, I didn't. And I know what your going to say, I'm selfish. I shouldn't have done it. That I should be strong. But I don't care anymore. I'm done being strong. I've been strong. I've been stronger then my older brother. I've been his strong one. I have been strong. And I'm sick of it. I am so sick and tired of having to be strong for my brother, for my mother and father. For my friends. For everyone. I'm done. 

   Smoldering in my thoughts, I mutter, "I have been strong long enough." 

   In my rage, I didn't notice a certain guitarist had pulled part of my curtain back and was looking at me. "No you haven't." If I wasn't seething, I probably would have jumped up, smacking my head on the ceiling. As it is, my eyes and face scrunch in a wierd flinch. Dread washes over me once I realize my cover is blown. However it's quickly replaced by annoyance and confusion. And then by anger.

   "How would you know?" I shoot, flipping around to glare at Ray. He sighs, shifting on his feet a bit. Ray's voice is weak. Tired. Not at all condicending or irritated. He just seems like this is a fact. One he wants me to know.

   "When have you been strong?" I open my mouth to name all the times I've helped Gerard or my mom or dad, but he cuts me off quickly. "Not for Gee. Not for your friends or family, I mean. What I mean is, when have you ever been strong for you. When have you been kind and forgiving to yourself?"

   This I cannot answer. And he knows it. He smiles sadly and waddles backwards in the cramped tourbus and then turns and leaves. He mutters something to Gerard or Frank about leaving and the door shuts. I sigh quietly and flop down a bit. I don't know how long I lay there, staring at ceiling the scowling, thinking about all the times, the countless times I have been by my older brothers side when he needed it most and then thinking of the times I helped myself. But that's the thing. That's just it. I never actually went through a problem and got over it. I just sat on it, dwelled on the pain, chewed over all the sadness and then threw it under the rug when my brother or someone else needed me. Then at night it slithered its way out from under the rug and into my head where I mulled over all the feelings. Which leads me to believe I will never get over them. That I will never be okay.

~×~

   To sum up my life in the past two months, I basically had my entire life fall down. My ex dumped me just as my depression was getting worse, so that was fun. Then I relapsed. Then I got drunk at a party with Gee and had a really bad one night stand. Then my problem got alot worse and I hit rock bottom, having a suicide attempt. The public didn't know about it. Gerard and my mom decided to keep in only between the band members. Frank was against it, but said yes after a talking to Gee about it. All he had to say was that tour would be cancelled. Ray, though, he was completely against it. He hated the idea of putting our music before my needs. Or so he said. Gerard tried to reason with him only to be called a horrible brother because he cared more about his own fame then getting his younger brother the help he needed. Honestly, I didn't care what happened. Ray thought it was absolutely ludicrous that we were continuing tour and not telling the fans. He backed down with the fans idea pretty quick, though. Frank had talked some sense into him.