i'm // not // okay ☼ f.i. + g.w.

III

he was laying on the bathroom floor covered in blood.

my heart was racing and i couldn't move a muscle. i just stared at his unconscious body not knowing what to do.

he had been fine just an hour before, i talked to him. he was fine.

i shook my head pulling myself out of the daydream and rushed over to franks side. i placed his head on my lap and tried to coax him awake but nothing was working.

i pulled out my phone, blood smudging the screen as i dialed 911.

the red and blue lights flashed brightly as the paramedics pushed frank into the ambulance. it was like a scene from a movie, i couldn't think, i couldn't talk and i had no idea what i was supposed to do.

"are you gerard?" a deep voice asked from behind me and i turned uttering a soft 'yes'.

"come with me." he led me into the ambulance where frank was attached to some machine giving him oxygen. blood covered bandages wrapped around his arms as the towels i tried to stop the bleeding with laid over his chest.

he looked so peaceful. was this all he wanted? peace? to not have to feel the way he felt day after day.

i took his hand in mine and rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. there was dried blood under his nails, a trail leading up the where the cuts had been made. i had blood over my clothes and on my skin and i felt every inch of it constantly.

"it's okay baby, i got you, you'll be okay now. there is no need to worry. i will take care of you.

"i'm here, don't worry, i love you. it's going to get better, it's going to get easier.

"you'll get through this, it's okay baby, i got you" i repeated this over and over until i was certain it was seared deeply into his brain.

he was not allowed to leave me. i couldn't let him. i needed him to stay.