lighter || phan au || prequel to cold

c h a p t e r // n i n e

i didn't want us to meet here.

here, on this bridge, me with one foot hanging over thin air, hanging over nothing, hanging over a drop far enough for what i can't decide if i really want.

"you didn't come by the club" phil says. i can't see him yet but i'm not looking for him. i know his voice by now. and i don't want to take my eyes off the water.

"was i supposed to?" i ask.

"how much of last night do you remember?"

i see movement from the corner of my eye, and then he's standing there, next to me. i finally look away from the water to see him looking at me, and the spark of fear in his eyes.

"enough" i say softly.

"i knew you were trashed, damn it, i shouldn't have done it" he says. "i'm so sorry, dan, i was drunk but that's not an excuse, i wasn't that drunk."

"i wanted you to kiss me" i say. "i'm not gay, phil, but i wanted you to kiss me. i still do."

"oh, dan" he says, his voice carrying so much sympathy. no, empathy. he's been through this, he must have been. "whether or not you want to call yourself gay, if you like someone, you should go for it. and i'm not just saying that because i like you."

"it's not just that" i say. "i don't want to be here, phil. i'm nothing. nobody's waiting for me at home. i work in fucking retail. and everything is so empty all the time. the only time i've felt alive in the last year is when you're around but you could do so much better than me."

"i don't want better" he says. "i don't think there is better. please get back from the edge, dan, i'm scared you'll fall."

"what if that's what i want" i say, my voice flat. he places his hand over mine, where i cling to the barrier of the bridge, the barrier i climbed over a half hour ago.

"you're not alone anymore" he says softly. "i promise, you don't have to be alone anymore. i'll be here however you want me to be. just friends, if that's what you need right now."

"you deserve better."

"fuck that, i want you."

"i don't think i was going to do it anyway" i say. "i've been here a half hour trying to find the courage to jump."

"come back with me" he says softly. his hand leaves mine for a second, but then he holds it out to me, offering to help me back over the barrier.

i take it.

he helps me climb back over, and then pulls me into a hug. i can feel him shaking against me, and i think i might be shaking too.

"thank you" he whispers. "for not letting go."

"thank you" i reply. "for giving me something to hold on to."

he walks me home in silence.

our hands dangle within centimeters of each other, but not quite touching.

he kisses me on the cheek outside my flat.

"i promise i'll come back tomorrow" he says. "promise me you'll be here."

"i promise" i say.

and then he's gone.

but i actually believe he will be back.

//sorry this update took so long, there was a wattpad glitch that i only got fixed on monday//