The rant book

5/3/17

Hey guys
So I'm in this it's complicated relationship with this guy but you see the problem is that I like him a lot but he says I love you. And trust me this makes my heart race every single time but I have commitment issues which are honestly just based on my trust issues.
We actually met 2 years ago, way back when we used to go home in sch bus(see where I'm from many people who live far away take sch bus and those who live near the sch take Public transport). But the thing is he stopped taking sch bus and started taking public transport cuz of extra classes and all. This was fine back then. He is in the grade above mine. So I used to generally skip sch bus to go home with my friends so once in a while him and I wld go home together.. later on when I went into the next grade I started taking public transport cuz of my extra classes so him and I would go home together. We would text for a long time and we would loose contact over holidays or other reasons since sometimes we dint meet on a regular basis but we would finally become closer each time. And after a couple of months I told him I liked him. Notice I said like. Anyway he rejected me saying he loved me only as a Friend. This freaking broke my heart but I stuck it in and acted the same way as I did before. So now I'm actually having boards next week on and I'm leaving the sch and country for next grade in a month or so. On my birthday 2 days ago he said he loved me. As more than just a Friend. Obviously I went through a whole lot of struggle and play of words to get him to say it to me straight. What I've missed here is that back when I liked him and before I told him I started calling him darling. In the starting I'd keep telling him I was high(not literally just metaphorically)(I don't do or wanna do drugs) or that I was going crazy or some other reason. After a while it become normal to us and we developed this flirtationship that I tried to stop when he rejected me but I couldn't. I just couldn't go through with that flirtationship so it continued leading to now. At this point me and him we both know that we have a limited number of meetings left and it's only a matter of time. We can't meet for the next month due to our schedule so that leaves me with a remaining half month or so. Out of which we would meet probably only 4 times or 5 if we can make plans externally. I'm already dreading leaving him as a Best Friend that he has become, I'm scared to think about how I'll be able to leave if we become something more. It's going to break my heart in a million pieces.
I've always though I was stupid for not having many crushes. But now I'm Glad I didn't.
The main point is that he's a morning bird so he sleeps pretty early and wakes up early. I'm the exact opposite. I stay up till 3 and sleep till noon. He tried to stay awake for me till 1 but he managed till 12.45 which I'm very impressed. On my birthday he stayed up till 12 on a sch night to wish me.( I don't have sch at the moment cuz we hav like preparation leaves for our national exams). So I was texting him today and we say I love yous a lot tbh but today it hit me when he said good night and I love you. For some reason I couldn't reply that I love u with a I love u too.
I honestly like or maybe even love him but to think about leaving him behind or anywhere is scaring me. I'm scared saying I love u too or I love u will actually make me fall in love with him. I know I'm too young for any relation to become anything bigger and this will end as soon as I take my flight away from this country. But I've wanted to go somewhere else after this grade and it's happening and I have my priorities straight that I'd go to that boarding sch and do my crap and get into my dream course in college. He was not part of this plan. Yet I am rethinking all this for him. I don't know if what he feels for me is strong enough for him to rethink his plans but I can't change it. I can't change my dream for a guy.
I promised myself I'd never be one of those couples that says I love u before ending every convo but I find myself in one. Trust me I love it . That fast heart rate that love that thinking about him but I can't do it. It's so overwhelming that I'm scared that if I lose this ( which knowing me will not be that Long away from now) I don't know what I'd do.
I couldn't say back I love u to him and I couldn't stop feeling Bad. I'm just very scared of that commitment and that status tag that I don't know how to deal with it. My Best Friend hates him so I can't talk to her about it and even if she did like him she'd tell me to focus on my national level exams before I give craps about boys.
Hell I would give the same advice but I don't know. My heads going crazy. What if I love him? What if we drift apart? What if we break before it even happens?
I told him I liked him Long ago because I hated these what ifs and I don't want to waste time thinking about these what ifs but I find myself back here.
I Guess I should tell him all this but i think we are too early into this phase of our relationship for me to discuss all this.
And since we were good friends before this and with my Friends all these emotions haven't become a problem but now it is and I don't know.
I have a terrible habit of keeping my emotions and thoughts in( I'm trying to improve the latter as u can see in this diary book thingy) I'm scared.
I'm so scared I'll lose what best friend I had or what loving darling I had. I'm scared I'll loose all that I have in this and I'll be scared to leave.
Leaving is that one thing that I've been wanting to do since a Long time now and I'm scared that this plan will flop because I love him. Obviously my parents won't know this but I would stop them and since my mum isn't hellbent on me going to boarding sch( she hates it tbh) she'd be convinced in a single sentence.
I hate this fear that consumes me. This fear of love. I fucking hate it.
I'm scared that this was all a joke that he'd been pulling with me after my rejection and although I know he isn't that kind of person I can't help think it.
Bye
Your sweetly
V. Anz