Dear J

But Behind Closed Doors I'm a Fool For Your Love

   Help Me Out by Alicks.    I"ve had a long ass weekend....and to be honest I really wish I could just open my eyes and have you in my arms. Kissing my lips tenderly as you wake me up. Running your fingers through my hair. I really just want you with me during the weekend instead of him....

"Ouch! What the hell was that for?!" I growl, rubbing the side of my head while glaring at him. "You know what damn it!" he growls back, crossing his arms while pouting. I narrow my eyes, sitting up from my laid back position, "You can't be angry with me every time I respond to her!" He pushes me, my back hitting the bed as he sits on my legs, "I don't text other people when we are together! It's rude because you have someone to pay attention to right in front of you! Not to mention I really don't like the fact that I see her every time you open your phone!"

I growl deeper, "So what? I haven't been able to talk with her a lot recently because she has been very busy. I miss her and I will never not respond to her when she texts me." He raises an eyebrow, "Sebastian you know that hurts right? You'd be happier if you just came to me; I see you all the time, we text all day long, we've gone on dates, and so much more. You never see her, you don't go out on dates, and she is getting ready to go to college."

I sigh, already feeling my chest beginning to tighten from emotion, "Just because she is going to college does not mean she is going to forget about me. I can't do some of those things because we both have busy lives, I don't know how to ask those things without getting flustered, and I want to do it right. I lover her and you know that Levi."

His eyes start to tear up, "You love me too. You've said so yourself! I'm going to be living with you, seeing you every day. She is going to forget about you Sebastian, meet someone else and you are going to get hurt. I would never hurt you and I would never walk away from you. I'm just asking for you to give me a chance."

I sigh but don't say a word, trying to calm down, 'Please stop...I can't love you like I love her...you aren't Jamie...' 

He whimpers, laying on my chest as a few tears fall, "Sebastian...that's all I want...I want you. I love you so much it hurts; I can guarantee that I need and want you more than she does. I am so in love with you Sebastian, you are all I think about and dream about. Just please give me a chance to prove it..." 

I try to hold back the overwhelming pressure in my chest as I respond, "You don't understand Levi. I do love you, I'm one of those people who love multiple people but believes in only having one person in a relationship. But I am not in love with you. I dream about her and a life I could have with her. This isn't about giving you a chance or not wanting to, this about being honest and truthful to myself. You are asking me to break her heart. To walk away from a woman who gave me an opportunity to love her, only to turn around and go to you."

His fingers clench my shirt as he looks at me again, "That's not what I'm asking! I'm asking you to allow yourself to explore your options! I want you to let your feelings for her fade and let yourself fall in love with me instead!"

Tears fall down my face slowly as I take a deep breath, "Levi it isn't that simple. I know that if Jamie were to ask me to move on, after a while, I could be happy with you. I do love you and you have a small piece of my heart, I care about you so much that it keeps me up at night if I think something is wrong. But I am not in love with you, I know the difference. I just can't give her up..."

He bites his lip, "Why not Sebastian?"

I sit up and look down at my hands, "Jamie was there when I started having suicidal thoughts again. She helped me cope with the way my mother was treating me. She was there when I couldn't sleep at night. She never told me that things were gonna be okay when I was having a hard time, instead she told me that no matter she'd be there for me. She was there when I was a sobbing mess over you trying to kill yourself. She was there during the late Friday night's and Saturday mornings. She makes me feel like the man I feel I am, she tells me she thinks I'm handsome and stunning. She made my first Christmas away from home feel so much lighter and happier."

He is silent as I wipe my face of my tears before continuing, "When she said that she loved me too...my heart soared. I woke up feeling different; colors were brighter than the day before. I didn't feel a huge weight on my shoulders and chest as I sat down in the living room. Writing became easier as did drawing. She helped me get out of my depression. She is the reason I get up every morning, why I smile so big, why I laugh so much. She filled the gaping hole in my chest with the sun. I am so madly in love with her that the mere thought of giving my soul and my being to another person the way I have given myself to her...is almost enough to make me wish for Death should I ever lose her."

It's silent. Like the world stopped before he spoke, "And that's how I feel about you. I love you so much that I don't want to find another lover. I want to be your boyfriend, I want to have a life with you. I will wait forever if I have to...I just hope it changes soon."

In that moment, that small moment, I felt my chest cave in and everything go numb. He wanted her gone. He wanted me to leave her. He wanted to hurt her because it would bring me to him. He refuses to admit that he knows I'll never be his. 

I wanted him to understand that Jamie was everything to me. Jamie is the most beautiful woman I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. She is so caring and open yet fierce and deadly. This woman is everything to me and he would never ever understand how much I was in love with my Queen. Even when he laid his head on my chest to sleep, he was always unaware of the woman I wished was in his place. 

How I wished it was her nimble fingers running over my hip bone through my sweatpants. How I wished it was her who was telling me she loved me as she fell asleep. 

He would never know the love I held for her.

Jamie had me and nothing would ever change that.

Sebastian