Dear J

I Think It Is Safe To Say That I Am Crazy

Dear J,

So in twenty years I have gone through a lot of shit. But this story is so you can better understand the person I am. 

I was born on September 16 on a quiet afternoon. I was born at 12:18 pm, weighing seven pounds and six ounces at seven inches long. My eyes were blue and I had solid black hair. I was named Sabrina Nicole Bishop, first name after S as a family tradition and my middle name for my grandmother's name. 

I have always felt different from others. Granted that is probably obvious to you. I always wore boy clothes, played with boy toys, and played outside in the mud and dirt from dawn till dusk. When I was at school, I was left alone for most of the time. I didn't have friends except for the kids in my neighborhood.

I am unsure if I have told you but I am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you feel like it you can look it up for a more descriptive definition and to fully understand what it is. But it was formerly known as multiple personality disorder. I struggle with other people in my head that can talk to me like I do to you, they walk around freely and can do whatever they want. When I lose control as I put it, one of them can take control so to speak. They can talk through me but I still look like Sebastian. 

I was six when Nathaniel came to me. I was struggling with not having any friends, my parents were getting divorced and paying attention to my sister and kinda forgot about me and I was already starting to have the 'Why don't I look like the other boys my age?' thoughts. But he was always kind to me and would play with me when my parents weren't around. 

I didn't realize that I was the only one seeing him until one afternoon at school. I swore up and down to my parents and my teachers that I didn't push her or touch her. I was sitting under a tree while reading some book when this snotty and bratty girl came over and started messing with me. Making fun of my short hair, for reading a book at recess and just being a freak.

I don't remember Nat coming over or him getting in her face but he shoved her backwards. She tripped and smashed her head on a rock. She was so angry and kept calling me a freak and said that she would have me arrested and so much more. But I never touched her and I never told anyone what really happened.

The next person came at ten or eleven, his name is Conner and he is not exactly all there. Conner is the guy who has given me the impulse to step in front of a oncoming car or bus, to jump off a building just to see what it feels like when I hit the pavement, and.....the overwhelming urge to kill people. 

Conner is more sadistic and doesn't care who gets hurt but revels in the pain and despair of misfortune. That's where my mixed feelings of wanting to hurt people but wanting to protect them from myself kinda come into play. I have never acted on those impulses though. I promise.

Nat and Conner didn't get along back then and don't get along now; Nat gets angry when Conner urges me to act upon my urges to end my life or something that would kill me. And Conner yells at him whenever Nat gives me my 'punishment', saying that it is ruining my potential.

The next person that came along was Natasha at fourteen. She was the one who helped me keep my life in order; helped me get motivated to get up, reminded me to eat, take my meds and a few other things. But after the incident in high school, she turned against me and started encouraging Conner's treatment of me but still kept Nat away from me if she could manage it.

Nowadays, she just makes fun of me whenever Nat gets in control because I'm too weak to gain control back. When you talked to her...I was and still am terrified to tell you...that she is in my head. She was typing to you while Nat yelled at me...and before she started talking to you...I was being punished.

Anyway, the most recent person is Eddy and he has made the past three years slightly easier. He tells me the things you tell me...that I'm loved, handsome, worth being happy and a lot more. Eddy has really helped me through the tough stuff and is the nicer of the four. But he stays quiet till after Nat has had his way with me and Natasha is done laughing and Conner has finished calling me worthless. But it isn't his fault it's mine for not being able to stand up for myself.

With that being said...there will be times when I can't remember the conversations we have or things I go and do. I lose time and can't recall things...I also suffer from night terrors and nightmares in which I will wake up and not be able to tell if I am awake or asleep. But the hardest part...I sometimes forget who I am or where I am or who I'm with if I happened to be sharing a bed with someone.

And if the nightmare is bad enough...I tend to smash my head against the wall trying to remember who I am. You'll find bruises and cuts that are random and not put there by me or you. I'll hit myself in the face, trying to wake myself up from the nightmare. But I hope you never have to see me go through a punishment...that is scary. And if I ever have a nightmare when we are together, as long as you want to help too I don't want to make it seem like you have to do anything for me, the best way to help is to help reinforce what I tell myself.

I am Sebastian Alexander, I am 20 years old, I'm from Virginia, I'm five foot six, etc. It also helps to tell me where I am and who I'm with. I may not remember it in the morning but it calms me down. But please don't think that you are required to help me, but that's what I do to calm myself and I offer it as a way to help if you wish to help.

Depression and anxiety kicked in full force at seven and suicidal tendencies came at fifteen. Granted now I don't have as many bad thoughts or run ins with the dark urges but it happens from time to time. 

This is a part of my every day life. And even though we aren't quite sure what we are, I need you to know this part of me because while it is a dark part of my life and who I am, it is a part that will have to be treated and it will effect me. I love you and want you to be aware of everything about me.

I am constantly working to keep my illness in check and I hope this does not change how you see me.

Your knight in shinning armor,

S.