Dear J

It's Always Me

Can You Hold Me by NF ft Britt Nicole

"Jamie." I bolt up right from my tangled sheets, panting and sweating. The nightmares were getting worse again. I felt  the bed shift causing me to whip my head to the right and see him sleeping, wrapped in one of my shirts. As I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, I try to breath properly again.

The menthol tobacco did nothing to help ease the sense of loneliness and brokenness that washed over me as I slipped on a tank top and walked out of my room to the outside porch. It was raining again and the air was chilly, opening my lungs as I sat on the porch silently. 

I gently pull out another cancer stick and my phone, lighting the paper and tobacco with shaky fingers and swipe my phone open. I found what I was looking forward in a matter of moments, my heart finally starting to calm and my brain reassuring me that she was okay. 

I still had all the pictures on my phone. I missed her. I wish I had been stronger...more persistent in being with her but the hurt in my chest only seemed to get worse as each day went. I swiped through the pictures one at a time starting from November; I had at least a hundred by now. Her smile never failed to make me feel happy.

The nightmares were worse because now they were targeted at her. I had to watch horrifying things and scream for him to stop hurting her...to hurt me instead. Waking up was even harder these days because I thought it was her in my bed not him. I wanted to reach out and hold her...which made me feel even worse because my boyfriend was in our bed asleep and I was outside smoking and looking at pictures of a woman I loved too. 

My heart ached to hug her and tell her I was sorry for being such a piece of shit. My hands wanted to hold hers as I apologized over and over until it was out of my system. But I knew that would never happen...

I didn't deserve to have peace

Happiness

Love

Or a happy relationship

Because I hurt her and not one week later I'm with the very man that wanted to take me away from her.

Yet I wasn't manipulated or tricked into being with him. I actually do love him but it doesn't mean that my heart or mind just simply forgot about her. The way she made me feel on the nights when I wanted to sit in the road until a car ran over me. How she smiled whenever I was dorky or corny.

"Sebastian?" I jumped slightly, instantly turning my phone off, "Oh hey." Levi stood behind me, my jacket on his shoulders and sweatpants on his hips while holding one of my stuffed animals, "Are you okay?" I nod and motion for him to come sit in my lap, "Yeah I just had a nightmare is all."

I can hear the pout in his voice after he sits, "Why didn't you wake me up? You know I want to help you after one." I bite my lip slightly, choosing my next words carefully, "It wasn't too bad, I just needed some air and smoking helps. I'm alright babe." He nods, leaning back against my chest, "Okay, just wake me up next time?" 

I smile with a little force, "Of course." 

Lying is never something you should do, I knew that but...he wouldn't understand. He'd get jealous and angry because it was Jamie and not him. He never really understood why I felt the way I did and why I had fought so hard to be with her. 

"I love you." He says quietly, lacing his fingers with mine.

"I love you too." I reply.

My phone burned in my left hand as a reminder that I loved her too.

And always would.

Sebastian